This is the final installment of “Letters to My Children and
Grandchildren.” If you have been following the series, you know that these
letters are part of a book of advice for life, based on Pirkei Avos, that I wrote for my children. I have received good feedback from readers and hope that you have
been inspired to write your own letters as a legacy to the next generation. If
so, then my goal in sharing will have been accomplished.
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Dear
Children,
Celebrate simchas and siyumim to
their fullest. Each time you celebrate, give proper hakaras hatov (gratitude) to Hashem. Give tzedaka to the less fortunate so they can have simcha as well.
Happiness
Always
try to maintain a sense of humor when it is proper, and use humor to make
others happy. People enjoy being around cheerful, happy people. Being overly
serious can produce tension. Sometimes we need to loosen up, relax, and smile.
When an occasion calls for total seriousness or sorrow, we must remember that
tomorrow will be a new day, a day filled with opportunities, where happiness
will once again return. That is what keeps our people going. No matter how
bleak, tragic, or sad, we begin anew with new kochos (energy) and realize that each day we get closer to geulah. We never lose faith!
No matter what, my children, may Hashem
give you that unswerving emunah (faith),
and may we all celebrate in the ge’ula
shleima bevi’as hamashi’ach bimeheira beyameinu.
Friends
and Chaveirim
Choose
friends wisely. It is hard to find a good friend when you are single. It is
even more difficult to find friends after you marry. It is no longer just two
individuals you are trying to match as friends but four, so compatibility is harder
to attain.
Acquire a companion for
yourself. Pirkei Avos 1:6
Go forth and observe
which is the right way to which a man should cleave…a good companion. Pirkei
Avos 2:9
Choose a Rav or a Rosh Yeshiva as your posek (halachic authority). Know that Rav
or Rosh Yeshiva on a personal basis, not just when you have a question or a shailah (halachic question). For a
person to give advice or even answer some shailos,
he often has to know exactly who is asking it. Not every shailah is as cut-and-dried as kosher or treif. Often the answer to a shailah
is more subjective and requires a very thorough knowledge and understanding of
the person seeking the Rav’s advice.
Appoint a rav for
yourself. Pirkei Avos 1:6
Kehillah
Always
be part of a kehilla (community). It
is important for a Yid to be part of kehilla,
a powerful communal concept that is vital for Orthodox Jewish survival. It
is your job to make sure the kehilla
is vibrant and alive. Make it leibedig (lively)
but always beshalom. Stay clear of
controversy, courts, and beis din.
Moses charged us with the Torah
as the heritage of the congregation of Yaakov. Devarim 33:4
Learn to negotiate on your own and to
settle differences beshalom. Remember
that machlokes (quarreling) is
destructive.
Be of the disciples of
Aharon, loving peace and pursuing peace, loving mankind and drawing them close
to the Torah. Pirkei Avos 1:12
Get a Good Night’s
Sleep
I
learned from your grandparents, Opa and Omi, never to go to sleep angry at a
spouse, child, or friend. Resolve all differences before you go to sleep. That
will ensure a good start for the next day. Respect your spouse, love him/her,
and consider his/her feelings and needs in all your actions. Always tell a
spouse and child how you love and appreciate them, and never talk down to them,
no matter what they’ve done.
Hashkiveini leshalom. Krias Shema al Hamita
The Mirror
Effect
A
spouse or child acts like a mirror. They will copy your tone and actions, and
if you yell at them, chances are they will yell back. Always think carefully
before punishing a child, and make sure the punishment will be a constructive
learning experience for the child. Never speak or act in anger; you may regret
your actions.
Who is mighty? He who
subdues his evil inclination. Pirkei Avos 4:1
And do not be easily
provoked to anger. Pirkei Avos 2:10
Give
the Benefit of the Doubt
Always
judge others with the benefit of the doubt. Don’t prejudge anyone. Try to
understand what factors or past history may affect their actions.
Judge all men with the scale weighted in his favor. Pirkei Avos 1:6
Do not judge your
fellow man until you have reached his place.
Pirkei Avos 2:4
Smile
Greet
all people with a smile and a good disposition. Always try to be cheerful and
joyous so that people will want to be with you. Live life and serve Hashem besimcha, in happiness. There is no simcha unless there is shalom.
Receive all men with a
pleasant countenance. Pirkei Avos 1:15
Act as a bridge to all segments of the
community and strive for achdus (unity)
wherever possible. Respect each person and look for the good. Be mekarev others by being a kiddush Hashem in all your actions. Make everyone feel special, always
showing concern and sensitivity to his or her situation. Always be kind,
considerate, and caring. A positive approach in teaching and friendship is most
important.
Home
Your
home must be a mikdash me’at. A home
should be beautiful, warm, and exude class. A Yiddisher home must have kedusha.
It must have a Torah atmosphere at all times. That is what makes it kadosh (holy). Practice hachnasas orchim (welcoming guests) to
the fullest. Make sure your home and table are open to all. Use your home for tzorchei tzibur (fundraising) events,
meetings, and community gatherings.
Let your house be wide
open, and let the poor be members of thy household. Pirkei Avos 1:5
Let your house be a
house of meeting for the Sages and sit in the very dust of their feet, and
drink in their words with thirst. Pirkei Avos 1:4
Your
Table
Your
shulchan must be set finely, and
Torah and zemiros must emanate from
your table. A seudah is a wonderful
bonding time for the mishpacha; an
important opportunity for quality time spent with the family.
Raising
Children
Reflect
on your own upbringing. Respect for great-grandparents, grandparents, and
parents is vital in proper chinuch
for a warm, loving home. Learn from their experience and strengths: their love
of Yiddishkeit and learning, their commitment to minyanim, their warm homes and
beautiful Shabbos tables, their quiet chesed
and tzedaka. Know from where you
come. These are your avos.
You are the most important role models for
your children. Children generally follow in their parent’s footsteps. Exuding
love and warmth will produce fine results. Each child has a different
personality and unique character. Always accentuate their talents and strengths
to reach the highest level of success.
You are to teach them
to your children. Devarim 6:7
Music,
Art and other Talents
In
our mishpacha, music and art have
been used to serve Hashem. Music is a powerful tool in many ways. We have used
music spiritually through tefillah
and zemiros and to be mekarev others. Artistic talent is a
gift from Hashem, so why not use it to serve Hashem? Other ways of using one’s
unique talents to serve Hashem include collecting precious Judaica or even
gardening talents, like growing esrogim.
Serve G-d in gladness;
come into His presence with shouts of joy. Tehillim 100:2
Israel
Eretz
Yisrael must always play an important role in your lives. Whether you elect to
move to Eretz Yisrael or to stay in America, you must always cherish Eretz Yisrael
and recognize that it must play a major part in your lives. You must also thank
Hashem each day for having the opportunity to live in America, which has been
very good to our people.
Balance
One
of the biggest challenges of our live is balancing our precious time – how to
allocate our time among family, friends, learning, work, leisure and very
important community work. This delicate balance is difficult to set, and
choosing priorities is extremely important for your self-worth and for your happiness
with yourself, your spouse, and your children. This is where common goals
between spouses is so important. A good marriage is one where priorities and
goals have been established and where the entire family understands and sets
out to accomplish these goals.
Where there is no
Torah, there is no derech eretz (right
conduct); where there is no derech eretz,
there is no Torah. Pirkei Avos 3:17
Communication
Communication
with children must be relaxed and explicit. Understanding each other and
discussing all issues are essential. Never assume that others know how you feel
– tell them! Tell your spouse and children you appreciate them and love them
and show it in your actions each and every day.
Excellence
Always
strive for perfection in everything you do. Set the highest standards possible
and feel good about a job well done. Have a passion for excellence and always
be satisfied as long as you really tried your very best. Give it all you’ve
got; the rest is up to Hashem. Always say gam
zu letovah, this is for the best, for if that’s the way Hashem wants it,
even if we don’t understand it, that’s the ratzon
(will) of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. We must accept it.
What is the straight
path that a man should choose for himself? One that is an honor to the person
adopting it, and on account of which honor comes to him from others. Pirkei
Avos 2:1
Lead your lives as a Kiddush Hashem to all
mankind. Remember, you represent yourself, your family, Klal Yisrael and all Orthodox Yidden.
That’s quite a lot of responsibility and a full-time position in this world.
Love
always,
Your
Dad
