Hello to all readers: Nu, what can I tell you?. The Ribono Shel Olam created many creatures, and I was one of them. Why he gave me six legs, vehr vais (who knows)? Go ask questions…
Thank G-d, I found myself living in the household of a shomer Shabbos – how I got into this house, vehr gedenkt (who remembers) – but I eventually suffered from anti-Semitism, nevertheless.
One morning, a Yid named Isaac was reviewing sedra of the week, so I peeked into the Chumash he was holding. Who says a stink bug doesn’t deserve to learn? For some reason, my thin legs faltered, and I tumbled onto the page of the sedra and got all shook up! Nu, even a stink bug needs mazel!
After observing what occurred, Isaac took a napkin and wrapped it around my thorax, as if I were some kind of trash! Next he opened the front door and tossed me out! Can you imagine such a thing!? Me, a stink bug with yichess! Remember, I came from China and am officially called Halyomorpha halys, from the mishpocha Pentatomidae. Ayn klaynikite (no small matter)!
I struggled to regain my composure, hid from a bird that was eyeing me for his breakfast, and finally made my way back into the house through one of the crevices in the wall. Now I was in the dark basement, and shlepped up the huge stairs to my previous hideout .
Evening was approaching, and after uttering my prayers – nu, that surprises you? If so, read the first line of the Nishmas prayer: “The breath of every living thing praises Your name…” Nu, I am a living thing! No? Anyway, after thanking the Boss for surviving, I wandered into the kitchen, where I observed Isaac’s vibel Shirley drinking a cup of tea while listening to a radio show. The topic was someone named Obama – Obama ahin and Obama ahair. That’s all the announcer talked about.
Finally, Shirley vacated the kitchen, and I shlepped myself towards the table and feasted on my favorite food, a delicious bread crumb. I began the three-hour trip towards the living room (which is like a trip from Baltimore to New York for humans), and since it was getting late, I chapped a dremel (took a nap) under a chair. Before you could count to a thousand, it was daytime.
Isaac arrived for his morning review of the parsha, and as a Jewish bug, I was interested, so I strolled up the long lamp, a long uphill climb, and after reaching the top of the lamp, glanced at what he was reading.
I was very careful not to make my previous error, but bugs, too, need mazel, especially Jewish bugs! My mazel was near zero, and the next occurrence was ah broch (unfortunate) for me. What happened? you may ask. You didn’t ask? I’ll tell you anyway.
Isaac again spotted me, and without fanfare, he once again wrapped me with a tissue and once again tossed me out of the front door! Ah hawzeh fuhn a Yid (the nerve of a Jew)! I concluded that this was the last straw, so to speak, and I began scouting the block for another, more haymish place to reside. Several houses away, I found a perfect opening to enter the place, and that’s what I did. It was a dingy basement, so I slowly made my way up the stairs. After a gezundeh (healthy) rest, I began climbing up a nearby sofa. Suddenly, there was a terrible smell, which appeared to be coming from the kitchen. I took a long hike towards the kitchen and was dismayed to see bacon frying on the stove. I did what they call a U-turn and, after another exhausting trip, hid under the sofa.
There was a member of the household sipping on a can of beer, followed by several more cans. Following this activity, he gave a loud greps (burp), which sounded like an earthquake and began looking at the newspaper. The headline was about an important Baltimore event at a place called Pimlico. Apparently, a faird (horse) named “Nebech” won millions of dollars! Hairst ah geshichteh (can you imagine such a thing)?
Next, he looked around the room and added another weight to my tsoress, because he noticed me and gave a thunderous geshrey (yell) to his wife: “Maude, there’s a stink bug in the room!” He then folded the newspaper and took a wild swing in my direction. Fortunately, his aim was tsuzetst (poor) and he only succeeded in knocking over a lamp.
Maude ran into the room and went bananas, so to speak. While all this was going on, I scrambled towards the nearest wall.
Several hours passed until I discovered a crack in the wall. It led to the basement, from where I eventually squeezed through an opening and departed the house.
Nu, where to go? I began singing the old Yiddish classic, “Vee Ahin Zol Ich Gain – Where Shall I Go?” I wandered the wide open yards and finally followed the scent of cholent. This led me to a window with a torn screen. It was like a welcome home sign to me, so I entered the house and was delighted to discover a Yiddish-speaking family.
Unfortunately, my mazel was still on a dive, because one of the family members spotted me and yelled, “Ma, there is a stink bug near the window!”
Several shrieks were heard, but I figured that they could not harm me today; after all, it was Shabbos, and nothing may be killed on the Sabbath.
However, the baal habayis (owner) of the house had his own agenda when insects were involved, and he began spraying the room with vair vais voss (who knows what). I jumped on the floor, scampered under the table, and remained there for the remainder of the morning.
The family went to shul, so I stayed under the table and waited for the meal to begin. Eventually, a challa crumb fell to the floor, and I had a tasty meal. The singing of Sabbath zemiros was very spiritual, and I decided that this was where I wanted to spend the rest of my days.
The family, however, was not done with me yet. They researched and learned about a stink bug’s allergy to the smell of knobel (garlic), which is also hated by deer, rabbits, and people. They had the chutzpa to place garlic bulbs in various places, and I had to vacate each garlic area.
I finally moved into the basement, figuring it was better to reside among nervous Yidden than with angry nochrim (non-Jews), and that’s where I am today. Every once in a while, though, I remember that I am still in galus, and that perhaps a trip to the Holy Land is in order. After all, if we could make it here from China…. But, after communicating with the Israeli embassy, the response was “Thank you but tee uns nit kain groyseh tova (don’t bother doing us such a big favor)!
