As a parent and as a teacher, I’ve been to a lot of November parent-teacher conferences. My children’s school in Rochester was small enough that they scheduled the entire team to meet with the parents of each student at the same time. During one meeting, a teacher very seriously noted that my child was losing his place when taking a test leading to missed questions. I didn’t know how to respond or help. Another teacher leaned in, “I found the best tool,” she said, holding up her pointer finger, “My finger. I point to help him when he needs. Do you want to borrow it?” Everyone laughed, and we had a productive conference.
Why do we do these conferences? Both parents and teachers spend a good portion of the day with a child but never at the same time. We need an opportunity to share our observations, concerns, hopes, and dreams for each child in all academic, social, and emotional areas. Face-to-face conversations get more done than those over the phone. Having a designated time for the conversation guarantees that every student, not just the most concerning, get this focus. We are allotted four minutes of time to accomplish this very weighty goal – kind of like speed-dating but about our kids. It’s not much time, but there are things we can do before, during, and after the conference to make the most of the opportunity.
Before the Conference
Minimize stress: Whether conferences are held in the auditorium or classrooms, the majority of time is spent in spaces with terrible acoustics and poor air circulation. We may be stuck standing or sitting for extended periods of time. We begin the meetings exhausted, around dinner time, after a long day of dealing with the stress of child care, homework for children in other schools and divisions, and bedtime, as well as finding time for ourselves to eat. We pop from meeting to meeting having to switch gears quickly between topics and people, rushing from place to place to wait in line. We have tough conversations in full view of our neighbors and family. The experience is migraine inducing and, even worse, the person we are meeting has had the same stressful night and matches our level of patience.
- : On conference night, find the most hassle-free childcare, plan an easy dinner, eat during the day, drink lots of water, and if you are prone to headaches, take Advil. Go into the meeting with as little stress as possible and a sense of humor to ease the stress that is inevitable.
Communicate prior to the conference: The conference should ideally be a follow-up conversation. When parents and teachers share bad news at conferences with no warning, it’s shocking. People need different amounts of time to process information, and some can’t respond in the short time allotted. Discussing children’s or our own weakness can also be emotional. With family and friends watching and a tight schedule, it can be overwhelming. We want a productive, solution-oriented conversation, so we need to let the other person be prepared to talk.
- : Send home a progress report, an email or make a call. Teachers should inform the parents if the child is having a problem or failing. Parents should write if they or their child has an issue with the teacher. Give your partner in chinuch the dignity to process their thoughts and emotions in the privacy of their home before discussing them face-to-face.
Organize papers: Sorry teachers – this one is for you. It’s a pet peeve of mine. Please organize your notes, grades, and any papers before the conference. It’s a lot of work but it helps the meeting go much smoother. Moreover, if a teacher reads from a roll book, parents can often see other students’ grades, which are private.
- : For each student, a teacher should be able to list what skills she expects for the grade, and how the student matches up to the standard – not to the other students. Small quizzes and assignments in the weeks leading up to conferences can often paint a better picture of skills than relying on one big exam. Summarizing the results on one paper along with samples of student’s work helps the conversation fit the time allowed.
During the Conference
- What should the topic be during these conferences? Here are some questions that can be answered that night:
- What are the child’s strengths? What areas need improvement?
- How is the child doing in each subject compared to the grade level?
- Is anything going on at home that is impacting the child during the day?
- How is she doing socially?
- How is he doing emotionally? Is he happy in school?
- Does she have appropriate manners/hygiene/behaviors?
- How can I help?
Clear communication: A friend joked that parent-teacher conferences are for parents who are not yet in shidduchim to learn how to interpret comments. “Your son is so-o-o energetic” means he is climbing the walls and has poor impulse control. “Your daughter will one day be a strong leader” means she is terribly bossy, defiant, and doesn’t follow classroom directions. A teacher once told me that my child knew his two, five, and ten fact-families but needed to work on his six fact-family. I still don’t know what she was implying.
In fact, that teachers have to share hard news is a necessary evil. We should start the conversation with the positives. If we can’t find any, we need to brainstorm with others until we have a healthier perspective. Then be clear about the issues without sugarcoating. We should be precise, have examples, and not talk in jargon. Telling a parent a child is “immature” is unhelpful. Saying he cries when waiting in line paints a picture.
Having student samples helps here as well. When parents and teachers look at a report together, it feels more collaborative and less confrontational than when making eye contact. This technique is called a third-point conversation and reduces the tension of the conversation.
From the parents’ perspective, let the teacher know directly if a child feels uncared about – rather than hinting.
Finally, :
Once we share our concerns, we should ask what the other adult has experienced and see if it matches what we are seeing. Then we can move into concrete ways to help the child in the classroom and at home.
Dealing with negative feedback: This one is for parents: Let’s say it turns out, much to our chagrin, that our tzadekes (angel) isn’t really one. How do we deal with that? Getting defensive and denying the teacher’s report or, worse, getting offensive and attacking the teacher doesn’t help our child mature and learn. Listen with an open mind. The speaker wouldn’t be having this hard conversation unless it was truly necessary. If we feel emotional, we can ask for time to respond later. We can ask for examples of the issue, concrete steps that would be helpful both in the classroom and at home, and a timeline to follow up.
Some parents dismiss teacher concerns with the comment, “I was the same way as a kid!” implying that I grew up and am okay. Or the parent might say, “I was never able to learn this, and neither will my kid.” Of all the responses that are possible, I find the finality of this one so sad. Our children are not our shadows. Our experiences may be similar, but they are not the same. Also, there has been so much research to improve education since the 2001 No Child Left Behind Act that your child may have chances you never did. Even if you failed Algebra II, your second-grader still needs to learn how to add.
After the Conference
Follow up: The parent-teacher conference is one conversation among many communications between parent and teacher, with the aim of moving students closer to the goals for the grade. If there is a concern raised, set a timeline to follow up. Be in touch with an update even if the situation has been resolved. The follow-up will make the conferences worth the time and effort
Express appreciation: At the conclusion of the meeting, show appreciation that your partner in chinuch put in the effort to come tonight, even if it was part of their parental or professional responsibilities. It wasn’t easy to do, and it means both of you care.
