Editor’s note: We received this letter and submitted it to Mesila of Baltimore’s Josh Hurewitz for a reply.
Dear Editors,
I’m not sure which of your columns would handle a situation like this. It’s about both money and shidduchim. I’ve always considered myself an average kind of guy. I’ve worked hard for most of my life. My parents, a”h, were not wealthy. I went to yeshivas but couldn’t afford to stay long in kollel after I got married since my wife’s family wasn’t wealthy either. I got a college degree through student loans, and my salaried jobs have, b”H, allowed me to pay tuitions, marry off some of my children in a modest, balabatish way, and help out the ones who are in kollel as much as I could. My wife has no degree, but she also works hard to help pay the bills.
Now I find myself up against the wall. One of my younger kids is back from seminary, paid for, by the way, with borrowed money. Now my wife is talking about starting on shidduchim. I’m looking at the mountain of debts that we have built up. There are no more mortgages possible on my house. In fact, if I sold it tomorrow, I would barely be able to repay what I already owe. Understand: the money I owe to gemachs, credit cards, and the bank didn’t go for vacations or luxuries. My car is old, and my wife shops Goodwill. Even working two jobs, I see no way I can dig out from under. I am so ashamed. I find myself Davening, “Not yet! Not yet!” when it comes to my daughter finding her bashert because I cannot figure out how I will scrape together money to pay my part of a chasana. Some of my friends are now talking about retirement, and I feel like I am violating the issur (prohibition) against kina (envy), because I will never be able to afford to retire except to the beis olam (cemetery). Even then, I don’t think I can afford the karka (plot)! With the interest on what I owe and the cost of living day to day growing, I feel myself falling into a deep hole of darkness. What can I do?
Deep in the Hole
Dear Deep in the Hole,
Before we address your concerns, we would first like to mention an important point: As frum Jews, we strongly believe in bitachon (faith) as well as hishtadlus (one’s own efforts). The balance is always tricky, and each person needs to determine that (with guidance from their Rav). As such, Mesila of Baltimore does not address it. When consulting with a family, we advise based on financial “norms” of income and expenses. How families integrate that into their philosophy is up to them.
While the situation detailed in your letter is heartrending and disturbing, sadly, it is not unique. As frum Jews our cost of living is considerably higher than that of our non-Jewish neighbors, for a host of reasons. While it is difficult to address your concerns without more specifics, your letter does create a forum for discussing the larger issue of financial stability in our community. Mesila of Baltimore helps families, especially young ones, better understand how their decisions could impact their downstream financial situation. It explains how to make informed decisions about education-related income enhancement and lifestyle trade-offs, and to distinguish between needs and wants. It also teaches them how to master financial management tools that enable such educated decisions.
Unfortunately, the situation you describe has contributing components that are, sadly, all too common throughout our community. Though there are no magic ways to address years of compounding financial challenges, the situation is instructive from the perspective of avoidance. That is, there are early decisions that individuals and families can make that might – and I emphasize the word might – have alleviated some of the current financial challenges had they been addressed earlier.
The assumption of debt is something that should be thought of in two ways.
If the debt is to cover a short-term expense that will lead to a longer-term benefit – school loans, for example – it could make sense. For both men and women, the financial payback of an education is a major decision, and while it generally has a good return-on-investment, it is not to be assumed that student loans make sense for everyone in every profession. On the other hand, given the weight of the financial load that many families find themselves under, both men and women should be encouraged to put themselves in a position, through education, if possible, to contribute to the family’s income at as high a level as possible, over the long-term.
A totally different category of debt is the type that is used to cover monthly living expenses. While some might justify this type of debt, typically credit card debt, it almost always leads to worsening the situation rather than improving it. Yes, charging things that cannot be paid for within a month does indeed satisfy the immediate need/want, but credit card debt grows quickly due to high interest rates. The rationale that many families use when they purchase items that they do not have the cash to pay for is “We need this now.” This assumption is one that should be very carefully considered because the cost being incurred is not only the amount charged to the card upon purchase but also an ever-increasing credit card balance due to interest and penalty charges. This is a slippery slope that should be avoided at almost all costs, if possible.
Each individual, and especially couples, should try to develop, early on, a general financial plan that will frame their life-style decisions. These early, larger financial decisions establish the basis for the family’s future financial trajectory. At Mesila of Baltimore, we unfortunately see the long-term outcomes of assuming debt for uncovered living expenses and the lack of potential earning power due to not using some younger years to position themselves for a sustainable income. It should go without saying that, as G-d-fearing Jews, we do not rely only on our own human abilities and plans, but that does not mean that we should restrict our efforts to only looking heavenward for dealing with these types of issues.
Again, this response is not to your situation, as described in the letter to WWW, but rather highlights the need for young families to be educated and to develop financial literacy and practices. Sadly, over the past 10 years, Mesila has encountered all too many cases with similar elements to the ones you describe. While it is substantially more likely for a family to achieve a financially balanced budget if they do whatever they can with financial implications in mind while young, Mesila has also helped families with very challenging financial situations improve, if not solve, their financial problems at a later stage.
Finally, it should be noted that we in Baltimore are blessed with a truly unique community. The number of organizations in this city dedicated to helping individuals and families in a whole host of ways and issues is truly staggering. These organizations could, and should, have been utilized early on before things got out of control. Many of the organizations, including Mesila of Baltimore, work together to help families. I would strongly encourage this individual, and anyone else, to contact Mesila of Baltimore (MesilaBaltimore@gmail.com).
Mesila of Baltimore Staff
Sidebar
Some Sources of Help
by Rabbi Boruch Brull, Ahavas Yisrael Charity Fund
I was truly saddened to read the letter from Deep in the Hole. My response cannot scratch the surface to solve this man’s existing problem. When a person falls so deeply in debt and despair, it is difficult to assure him that all will be well. Still, I will try to point toward some possible resources for this family.
Looking back, I wonder why Deep in the Hole didn’t reach out for some financial planning when he realized he was not making ends meet. There might have been some ways to help him in the early stages of debt or mismanagement of funds. For example, did he apply for all the government benefits for which he was entitled? Did he request a tuition reduction? Could the husband or wife have taken classes with the hope of changing careers to earn more money? Had he contacted Ahavas Yisrael, we would have assigned him a case manager who would have guided him.
Regarding the present situation, there are organizations in town that will assist those seeking help in budgeting. First and foremost, Melisa offers counselors who work one-on-one with anyone seeking their assistance. Ahavas Yisrael’s dedicated team is available to help with food, clothing, rent, mortgage, and utilities, etc., for those in need. Rabbanim are available to their congregants should they want to reach out to them. There are several money lending gemachs in town, including PS Gemach, which is a branch of Ahavas Yisrael, where one can borrow money interest-free. Simchas Esther offers funds for local kallahs and chasanim. Jewish Community Services is a wonderful resource for those who qualify for their assistance.
I hope this addresses some of the issues presented. Deep in the Hole is welcome to call me at the Ahavas Yisrael office: 410-358-2525.
