The bulging suitcases are packed with thought of all
possible eventualities. Shopping sprees preempt the target date of departure.
Shampoo and conditioners, in-style skirts and tops, or favorite type of kippa
and belt, that fit the school’s specifications, contact lenses and solutions,
deodorants, toothpaste, pictures of the family, linens, Shabbos clothes,
hoodies and sweaters that sport the newest insignias – all are stuffed into two
pieces of luggage and hand luggage, ready for that long awaited gap year in
Israel.
But how much forethought went into preparing the
student for his/her new environment? School will now be the new home, but,
whereas home is familiar, forgiving, and supportive, school will be foreign and
formidable, with no built-in support system.
Sharing a room with strangers, doing one’s own
laundry, navigating the streets in strange territory, learning the bus and rail
system, communicating in a language they may think they know but really don’t,
trying to decipher the shopping conundrum, learning which hechsherim are
in line with their parents, school and hosts – in short, gap-year students get
thrown into a whirling sea of the unknown and are expected to steer themselves
onto a steady course.
Shabbosim and Yamim Tovim can present a student
without a list of happy and willing family friends/relatives with an almost
weekly challenge that adults would find daunting. Where will they go? Will
someone bring them along to their family or friend? How will they be able to
pay back that favor? Will they feel welcome or awkward as the come-along? Or
will they stay in their school alone, again. Even if they are furnished with a
list of names to call, it’s not a sure thing. Maybe the family is booked with
married kids, or someone is sick, or it’s boys week or girls week, or they are
going away, or they just had a hard week and aren’t up to hosting.
Then there is the suitability of the school. Over the
decades of opening our home to offspring of relatives and friends and their
friends, I conducted an unofficial survey of satisfaction with choice of
school. I would say that over 85 percent were emphatic with their expression of
satisfaction. “I picked the best place.” “I wouldn’t have been happy anywhere
else.” “It was everything I wanted and more.” “I will miss the sem/yeshiva so
much. Maybe I’ll come back for Shana Bet.”
I would venture that maybe another eight percent were
okay with their institution of learning – just not overjoyed. The remainder,
about seven percent, did not find happiness or any satisfaction in their year
in Israel. Why? From the girls I heard: “It wasn’t a good fit.” “They were all
snobs. They had their friends and weren’t interested in making new friends.”
From the guys I heard: “The rebbeim didn’t try and make a connection with us.
There was no one to talk to.” “It was so many hours of just learning. I’m not
cut out for that.” “The guys weren’t my type. Nerds.”
For these young people, this means not just a
disappointing number of months; it creates negativity. It matters not whether
these negative feelings are based on real instances – it is their reality, and
they will carry these emotions forward in the years to come.
If these seven percent express disgruntlement to their
parents or the staff, what should be done? Encourage them to hang in and give
it time and hope it will resolve itself? Try to salvage the year by moving them
to another institution? Bring them home? Each of these choices just creates a
new dilemma that may not have a perfect solution. Prevention rather than
correction should be the goal.
Before packing the suitcases is even contemplated, a
frank discussion about the student’s and his or her parents’ anticipations and
expectations should be unpacked. Is the choice based mostly on the brand name
of the school, without giving enough weight to how good a fit it is for the
person? Will this student find it too big for comfort? Or too small to allow
for growth? Will the institution’s regulations be too restrictive or too loose?
* * *
David was enrolled in a heavyweight yeshiva that put a
hefty emphasis on learning and following the rules and regulations, while being
a featherweight in answering questions of hashkafa. He was already
riddled with queries when he entered the institution, but by the end of the
year he left behind his shmiras mitzvos and acquired a disdain for
learning and Yiddishkeit.
Parents who had positive experiences in their gap year
may want to hand down the name of their school as the best choice for their
child. But their child may find that it is not to their taste. Sari, from a
more modern background, had made strong and life-changing ties with her
principal and some of the staff when she was in seminary. Her daughter, who was
looking for independence, found the close connection suffocating and veered off
to breathe unfiltered air, which led to estrangement.
Or, knowing their child has a problem, the
parents ship them off with a hope and prayer that the Israel experience will
make the alterations needed. Sadly, this may make the teenager feel like a
misfit and an outsider and just make the existing issue worse.
Devora had a medical issue and needed to be strict
about her diet and sleep regimen. The parents had checked off that there were
no known medical issues and no medication taken on a regular basis. Several
months into the school year, Devora began experiencing serious health issues. A
counselor accompanied her to a doctor, and Devora revealed that she had a
longstanding health problem and she had not been taking her medication. She had
not wanted to be different and didn’t want others to know. Her health had been
jeopardized because the girl and her parents wanted to keep it a secret.
Being candid about the student’s strengths and
weaknesses should direct the parent in choosing the habitat that will have the
greatest ability to encourage and foster positive growth – not their own
preference or the name of a school that will look impressive on a shidduch
resume.
* * *
Israel is a country with much to offer. The overwhelming
majority of “gappers” have a positive and formative experience during their
year. Yet we must be very concerned about the minority who don’t fit into that
category. Just as the doctor takes into consideration each patient’s age,
weight, and allergies, etc., when prescribing a medicine or regimen tailored to
the patient’s need so that they won’t be under-medicated or overdosed, so must
a parent take all the varied aspects of their child into the formula when
making this pivotal decision for their offspring. What may help one can be
deleterious for another. Parents need to mind the gap between what they might
wish is the best choice for their son/daughter and what institution is actually
best equipped to foster their growth.
Shayna Gutke Poupko occupies her time with
life coaching people in transitions, writing, teaching, learning and being a
Jewish wife, mother, grandmother and great grandmother.
