A good friend of mine in New York took a
chance and went on a date with someone I suggested but barely knew. He said he
called her, and they had a nice conversation. When they met, he asked her where
she wanted to have lunch. She named an expensive restaurant (of which there are
many in NYC), at which point he had no choice but to acquiesce. They had lunch.
He got the bill. She didn’t offer to share it. And $150 later, he knew he was
done. When we spoke later, he laughed and said that this had been the most
expensive dating lesson, which he wasn’t going to repeat.
Obviously, my friend and this
girl had very different ideas about priorities and values – and money. Anyone
in the shidduch dating scene knows
that the first date takes place in low-cost (as well as public) surroundings,
such as a coffee shop, hotel lobby, etc. The goal is simply to learn the basics
about one another, enough to know if you want to learn more – no expensive
wining and dining required, or advised. But while money may not be on anyone’s
mind on that first exploratory date, it should be on every dater’s future
discussion topic list. Why? Because money, whether we like it or not,
speaks volumes about our upbringing as well as our values. According to some
studies, it is one of the major reasons for divorce.
So how do you go about this
part of the exploratory process?
You may want to wait until the third date
to raise the issue. By then, you are likely already sharing some more personal
information about how you were raised, mentioning different members of your
family and your relationship to them. If you’ve made it to date number three,
you likely have much in common. But, since most of us were raised to believe that
you never ask a person his salary or what he paid for his house, some people
may still believe that money, in general, is not something to discuss in polite
company (whatever that is).
*
* *
Here are some conversation-starter ideas:
·
Who is? “in charge” of money in your home, such as paying the
bills, investing, and balancing checkbooks?
·
Was money ever discussed at the dinner table? Elsewhere?
·
Did you ever get the message that money was not something to
discuss in polite company?
·
Did you get an allowance? Was it dependent on doing chores?
·
Did you have a savings account and visits to the bank with your
parents? Or use a piggy bank? (Why do we even call it a piggy bank?)
·
Isn’t it amazing that a person in the U.S., the
most capitalist country in the world, can graduate high school without having learned
how to balance a checkbook or the difference between simple and compound
interest? Did you learn these things? If so, from whom?
* * *
If you got through that part without a hitch,
you may want to move on to these possible discussion topics:
·
It is said people are either savers or spenders. Which one do you
think you are?
·
Did you know that if you start at age 30 and save $500/month in an
ETF/mutual fund that averages 8% a year, you would be a millionaire by 65? (By
the way, the stock market return has averaged 10% for over a century.
Unfortunately, right now we are in a low-return dip, what some would call a
“buying opportunity.”)
·
You could also try this fun riddle: Would you rather have a
million dollars now or have me give
you a penny today and double that amount every day for a month? (A lesson in
compounding; the penny option wins!)
*
* *
Here are some real-life examples that you can
use as jumping off points for discussion:
·
A husband gets a raise and buys a convertible, which he drives
home to surprise he wife. What do you think her reaction would be?
·
A woman with a good paying job puts her salary in her own bank
account, which she uses for clothes, while her husband’s salary pays the
household bills. Fair?
·
A woman asks her husband to go back to school to get a better job to
enable them to buy a house in a fancier neighborhood. Reasonable?
·
While waiting for his daughter at the dentist, a man buys half a dozen
lamps from a “going out of business” sale. What might his wife think when he
takes them home?
* * *
If your date makes comments like, “I think
money is evil” or “I don’t care about money” or “My parents always fought about
money” or “My parents never spoke about money,” realize these are important
issues in need of further conversation.
Having different attitudes or
experiences with money needn’t be a deal breaker. There is no right or wrong. The
goal is to allow each person to think about his or her values and for the
couple to see if there is an area of compatibility or the ability to problem-solve.
But, just as with other issues, it is important to know the baggage each person
carries into the relationship.
Money – whatever
you think about it now – will be an issue for the entirety
of your marriage. Make sure you and your future spouse are able to work on it
together.
sidebar
Financial Literacy
The idea of becoming more financially literate
is gaining momentum as politicians as well as educators and rabbanim are
realizing that financial knowledge is necessary to face economic challenges.
·
Seven states now require a financial literacy course as a high
school graduation requirement
·
Governor DeSantis received publicity in April 2022 when he
signed a bill making financial literacy a requirement in Florida high schools.
·
There are currently 43 bills in 21 states to mandate that schools
teach financial literacy.
·
The Jewish financial counseling organization, Mesila, has now
evolved into a nationwide initiative under the guidance of Rabbi Hauer of the
OU. Additionally, Living Smarter Jewish (see the article by WWW columnist Rivka Resnik) seeks to
provide the Orthodox community with financial education and coaching for adults
and financial literacy curricula for day schools.
