Every Yiddle – and non-Yiddle – is familiar with the term “oy vay.” Right? However, the term “fahlsh vee der velt” (false like the world) may be unfamiliar. In the Yiddish world, when the veracity of a statement or deed is questionable, the term fahlsh vee dehr velt may be used. Nu, you may ask, for example? So here are a few examples of some past and present happenings where fahlsh vee dehr velt is applicable:
If you review the current newspapers, you will notice that nation after nation condemns Israel for defending herself. Never mind that Israel has contributed a vast amount of technology that is used by these very same nations. But instead of appreciation, Israel receives criticism. Ahn althe miseh (nothing new under the sun). Truth be told, the more the Jewish people contribute to the nations of the world, the greater they show malice instead of good will. Fahrvoss (why)? you may ask. Because of jealousy, what else?
Historically many cultures have annihilated one another over fahlsheh shtik (false pretenses). Fahrvoss (why) all the killing? Perhaps killing is a genetic liability. For more discussion of this problem, you can review my article entitled “Live and Let Live,” found in the archives of the WhereWhatWhen.com.
Not only do humans have tsoress (troubles) caused by falshkeit (falseness), animals, too, can have some dishonest traits. Take the cat. (Now I’m in trouble with cat lovers!) In Yiddish, if someone is called “ah fahlsher kahts,” he is being called a bottom of the line crook. Of course, being called ah fahlsher kahts is not as damaging as being called a mishiginer hoont, a crazy dog, which is a major insult.
So how did cats earn such a reputation? you may ask. Possibly because cats emit a purring sound, followed by rubbing their sides along their owner’s legs. Only a cat owner with a heart of stone would not react to the feline’s affectionate behavior. He therefore offers the animal some kitty food, which the kahts consumes in a matter of minutes. You assume that the cat now owes its owner a favor, right? The owner naively gives a geshrie (yell), “Felix, fetch the newspaper!” But our Yiddishe cat klairt (thinks), “Fetch the newspaper? Me, a feline with yichess (pedigree), should fetch your newspaper? Ich hob deer teef ihn bawd (go take a bath)!”as he gingerly leaves the area. One wonders who is the owner, here, and who is the pet?
As for dogs, they are more agreeable (gullible?) than cats, so they may fetch and deliver the newspaper to you, their owner. Perhaps it’s better to get the paper yourself, though, because who enjoys reading a newspaper that has soggy tooth marks on the front page?
Fahlshkeit in Advertising
On the human side of the ledger, the media often demonstrate falsheh shtick (falseness) by ridiculous and false advertising. For example, I recently watched a television commercial for a super light weight garden hose. The announcer happily stated that the hose could only be purchased by calling their factory and announced a long distance number (probably in China). Then, while I was in Home Depot – miracle of miracles – I noticed the very same hose and purchased it. The hose was takeh (actually) light weight and a mechayeh (pleasure) to carry. So far, so good, right? Vahrt vahrt (just wait).
Eager to wash my car, I attached the hose to the outdoor spigot and, after turning on the water, the fahzetsteh hose burst into pieces sending streams of water in every direction! Upon returning the hose and being offered another hose by the sales manager, I suggested that he send the hose back to China – piece by piece!
Many television commercials advertise medications to relieve shmertzen (aches). One of them suggests wonderful relief from muscular discomfort if you ingest Grepsit Powder (name changed) several times each day for a week. However, you are told in a speedy whisper that, if the powder is taken with other medications, oy vay, woe unto your digestive system! Furthermore, continues the commercial, Grepsit may cause drowsiness, depression, quickened heartbeat, kidney damage, and, in extreme cases, death, lo awlaynue!
That isn’t the end of the warning! You are also told to consult your hearing specialist if you suddenly notice a severe or mild hearing loss, tinnitus, or an earache. And if you take medication for visual problems and begin blinking every five seconds or if you experience temporary blindness, call 911 immediately! Hairst ah geshichteh – can you imagine such a thing?!
You may also observe the before-and-after commercials. The “before” portrays a grimacing lady with facial wrinkles to scare Frankenstein. The “after” photo shows the same person with an angelic smile and with baby smooth skin. Nu, how did such a nais (miracle) occur? you may ask. By shmeering her face with Vair Shayn (name changed), the world’s best anti-aging cream, what else? Now comes another whispered warning: If you touch your eyes with Vair Shane cream, you may become blind, and if you accidentally swallow some of the cream, you must dial 911 immediately and when the ambulance arrives request immediate pumping of your stomach!
When the summer season finally arrives, you’ll notice a commercial for a product called Krahts Nisht (name changed). “This new product,” says the commercial, “creates immunity against shtech-fligen (mosquitoes)” Truth be told, the colorful liquid is loaded with an array of scented chemicals The instructions are simple: “Place the container on a corner of your porch, and after six weeks, mosquitoes will stop annoying you.” It doesn’t mention that the lifespan of a mosquito is about a month, and then summer ends! Nu, dehr olom is ah golom (the world is full of dummies).
Ever hear the commercial regarding physical conditioning to restore our youthful physique? We are shown before-and-after pictures of an oy vay figure. The “before” picture shows an oon gehfreseneh (stuffed) person with an expression that could scare a scarecrow. The “after” scene shows him smiling while flexing his overgrown biceps. Next they show you a book of instructions on how to obtain the muscular appearance by exercising for “only 25 minutes a day!” A group of five muscular persons are shown exercising at the speed of lightening. Next comes the obligatory warning: Persons with previous heart attacks, hernias, or related physical problems should consult with their physicians prior to attempting the exercises!
If all this hubbub isn’t enough kopp drayenish (confusion), there is another TV commercial starring a lawyer and his team, who request viewers to sue their physicians! The lawyer smiles as he names a variety of treatments that may have caused tsoress (problems) and encourage viewers to notify his firm. They guarantee a free first consultation (which probably lasts for a few seconds.) Just make a free phone call to the lawyer, continues the commercial, and you’ll be compensated! What they don’t mention is that, prior to your treatment, you probably signed a half dozen pages releasing your doctors from any responsibility for a negative outcome!
More Fahlshkeit
Once or twice a year, my internet connection mysteriously dies. Nu, without the internet, the computer toyg ihn drerd (is worthless). So, when my computer did its annual thing, I notified the DSL provider, whose representative was located in India, Burma or the Philippines. Understanding his directions was almost as difficult as an Aramaic explanation of Baba Basra. His litany was not new, and consisted of the usual suggestion to disconnect and reconnect all cables, which helped like a toytehn bahnkess (leaches help the dead). The rep then repeatedly suggested sending a repair person to examine the computer. I declined the service, because several technicians had examined the computer and declared it alive and well. An hour later another firm called and attempted to sell me antivirus software. Nu, how did they know about the problem?
The term fahlsh vee der velt is also used to describe any false claims or a dishonest person, such as the character who cheated investors or yeshivas. It is another ultimate insult, and referring to someone as falsh vee dehr velt is not exactly a compliment.
There are examples of characters who were falsh vee dehr velt in the Bible. Korach, who spoke against Moses and accused him of being egocentric, is one. Korach was jealous and power hungry – an authentic paskunyak (no-goodnik), so he soon took a tumble into the netherworld. Efron was another biblical fahlsher mensch. His utterances did not match his actions, as is related in the Torah. When Abraham’s wife Sarah passed away, Efron initially offered Abraham a free burial site in the Cave of Machpelah. Moments later he reneged on his offer and overcharged Abraham! Another paskunyak who was a genuine fahlsher person.
Many moons ago, in my pre-bar mitzva days, one of the shul Sabbath attendees would constantly tell me that when I become a bar mitzva he would give me a nice present – not a minor item, you understand, but a gold watch. After all, I was the chazan’s son – ain klaynikeit (big deal). In those days, a typical bar mitzva gift was a fountain pen or a shirt and tie with a matching hankee. I’m not sure how many years I dreamt about that golden watch, but the years passed, as did my bar mitzva. I waited and waited for that golden watch, and I’m still waiting. Nu, that guy was fahlsh vee ah kahts and fahlsh vee der velt. But at least I didn’t commit the error of one kid, who, they say, got so many pens that he began his bar mitzva speech with the words “Today I am a fountain pen…!”
Ah klal, most people strive to be honest, and hopefully some day our world will improve. Then the expression fahlsh vee dehr velt will be replaced with the words ehrlich vee dehr velt, honest like the world! Bimhayraw beyahmaynu! May it occur in our lifetime!
