?In 1974, Harry
Chapin recorded a poignant and meaningful song entitled, “Cat’s in the Cradle.”
The song speaks of a boy who longs for attention from his father throughout his
childhood, but “there were planes to catch and bills to pay,” and dad
repeatedly says, “we’ll get together another day.” The years fly by, dad ages
and longs to have time with his son. But, by then, his son is grown and has
“planes to catch and bills to pay.”
I hadn’t thought of “Cat’s in the
Cradle” for many years. Recently, while driving, I was listening to the radio,
and I heard the song again – almost half a century after it was recorded. I was
transported back to 1974, which was the year our twin sons, Ezra and Michoel,
were born. Ari was two, D’vorah was four, and Doniel was six. I began thinking
about the fact that there are no retakes when it comes to missed opportunities
in our lives. Time not spent with those we love, no matter how valid our
reasons, can never be reclaimed. The years move quickly but we only start to
realize how quickly as we get older. Living life is about the challenge of
balancing work, study, and family, and learning to prioritize.
Sometimes parents, for a variety of
reasons, are distracted when their child brings home a school paper or project.
The child, seeking his parents’ full attention, proudly presents his work. If
mom or dad quickly glance at it and say “very nice,” that may superficially
seem okay, but if the child senses that his mom and dad aren’t really that
interested, if he realizes that they are just commenting to be nice but don’t
really appreciate his efforts, subtle feelings of sadness and hurt may set in.
If, on a repeated basis, mom and dad are distracted when viewing a child’s work,
eventually the child stops sharing. Children don’t like to be humored, and most
are smart enough to know when they are.
* * *
As mom and dad age, it’s natural for
them to want their adult children to spend quality time with them when
possible. The busy children, wanting to be respectful of mom and dad, will
usually make an effort but are sometimes distracted when calling or visiting,
and sometimes forget to call. Most moms and dads sense when they are imposing
on their child’s time. Often subtle feelings of hurt and sadness may occur,
notwithstanding the fact that older parents, for the most part, do appreciate
that their adult children are, in fact, busy.
Whether it’s a child longing for a
parent’s attention, or a parent longing for a child’s attention, the feelings
are similar. The simple remedy for both is the same. Set aside a clear space to
focus on a child or a parent. In fact, it is essential that spouses do this,
too, to maintain a healthy marriage. We generally make time for people and
things that we consider important. Sometimes though, we take family members for
granted. The assumption is that we can get back to the people closest to us
later – because they understand that we’re busy. Harry Chapin’s song addresses
the reality that when we miss opportunities, no matter how valid our excuse,
time moves on and the moment is gone – never to return.
* * *
When I was a shul rabbi in Cape Town,
I had an older widower as a member. He had a son and a daughter in their 40s.
His son had relocated to England, and his daughter, a successful businesswoman,
was living in Johannesburg, 875 miles away. The man built his life around the
shul and attended regularly. When we had Shabbos and Yom Tov dinners and
luncheons, he was always in attendance. He was a guest in our home regularly.
He seemed to be coping reasonably well with the absence of his children.
Nevertheless, if someone enquired about how his kids were doing, he would tear
up and say, “Just fine; thanks for asking.”
One day I was giving a shiur on the laws of aveilus (mourning). I mentioned that in
the 16th century, Rabbis Yaakov Reischer and Dovid Oppenheim paskened that if a parent requested that
their children not observe shiva and shloshim, those wishes could be
respected. It seems that their psak was
based upon a parent’s concern that mourning rituals might impinge on upcoming
simchas. (Note: the Rema, Rav Moshe Isserles, did not, for various reasons,
support the view of the two other rabbanim,
and his is the widely accepted position).
The following morning the gentleman
came to me after davening and said, “Based upon what you said yesterday, I left
messages for my son and daughter, informing them that I am releasing them from
‘aveilus’ for me.” I was a bit
stunned.
I said, “I was giving a shiur; I wasn’t paskening for you.”
He then said, “I told my children
that I know that, when I die, they will take time off for shiva. I’m not sure how much time I have left, so I said that I
would rather that they give me that week now and I’ll forgo it later.” Suffice
to say that each child “got” the message, and each came to visit him soon
after.
* * *
Raising children requires time and
patience as does caring for one’s parents. Just as there are minimum standards
for raising children, so too are there minimum standards for looking after
one’s parents. Those basic standards include providing for food, clothing,
shelter, and a respectful attitude. Nevertheless, most of us understand that
more is required (and expected) than the bare minimum.
Hopefully, as our children grow,
they become more independent. Unfortunately, the opposite is usually true of
our parents as they age. That’s when things can get challenging. When your kids
are little, you can determine and, if necessary, impose rules and regulations.
That doesn’t work well with your parents. From time to time, my wife Arleeta
and I attended support groups for adult children looking after aged parents,
run by Jewish Family Services in Rockville. One of the common statements made
by participants who had difficult parents was, “If I ever get like that, I’ll
take an overdose.” The irony, of course, is that if we “get like that,” we
don’t know that we are “like that”!
Taking care of dependent parents,
especially when we are still raising our children, can be extremely stressful
and exhausting. Therefore, it is very important to have the emotional, and
physical, support necessary for our own wellbeing. When we travel by air, we
are always instructed, in case of a loss of cabin pressure, “to place the mask
over your nose and mouth first before assisting others.” There is a universal
truth in that statement. If we can’t breathe, we cannot assist others.
* * *
In the Ten Commandments, the mitzvah
of honoring parents is placed with the laws between man and his Creator. Why?
Because from the time we are born, before we can grasp the concept of a Supreme
Being, parents represent an all-powerful being to the infant and toddler.
Parents are assigned the task of teaching their child belief in G-d, the
importance of performing the mitzvos, and G-d’s revelation at Sinai. To stress
the importance of honoring parents, the Torah states that we receive a reward:
“…that your days will be lengthened upon the land that Hashem your G-d gives
you.” This refers to children who honor their parents being able to live long
and to merit to be among those who are the guarantors of the sanctity (“upon
the land”) of Eretz Yisrael.
Twenty-one years ago, Arleeta and I
realized that we needed to return to the United States to look after the needs
of our aging parents. My mother-in-law had just passed away. During the
preceding year, Arleeta spent a lot of time back in the States with her mom and
dad. The decision to depart Cape Town was difficult. We were serving a lovely
community, I had tenure, and we were very fulfilled in our work. Although the
transition back to “civilian” life in the U.S.A. wasn’t easy, it was the proper
decision for us.
For my dad, my mom, and my father-in-law,
their sunset years were made more pleasant and secure. As each week passed, we
knew that we had made the correct decision to return. When, eventually, each
parent passed away, nothing was left unsaid or undone. We had peace of mind
knowing that we were able to be there for them as they became more dependent.
It’s interesting how many things that we didn’t know about our parents, stories
from the past, were revealed to us in their final years. That’s possibly
because of the uninterrupted blocks of time spent with them.
* * *
A bittersweet story comes to mind.
Besides visiting my mom regularly, I would phone her every day at 5 p.m. My mom
was buried on a Monday at 4 p.m. As we were departing the cemetery, in the
Levinson limousine, Arleeta looked at me and said, “It’s 5 o’clock; don’t
forget to call your mom.” A second later, the reality hit us, and we both
smiled through tears. Make no mistake, when you have certain established
rituals with your parents – after they pass on – those rituals stay embedded
for quite a while. I still think of my mom at 5 p.m. daily. For months after
Arleeta’s dad’s death, she would leave school and start heading towards the
Hebrew Home, her daily ritual from the time her dad moved in.
We did our best to maintain our
fathers in their respective homes as long as we could. When it was no longer safe
or possible for them to be at home, my dad moved into one of the Weinberg
facilities in Baltimore, and my father-in-law moved into the Hebrew Home in
Rockville. One of the great challenges when transitioning a parent into an
elder care facility is finding caring people within the facility to take an
interest in your parent’s wellbeing. Not easy! In my father–in-law’s case, we
had to hire someone to be with him. Thankfully, we found an excellent and
sensitive person, who was present when we weren’t available.
One thing that is important to do is
to remind the staff that the person they are looking after wasn’t always frail
and elderly – and deserves their respect. Outside of my dad’s Weinberg efficiency
apartment, I hung a photo of him, taken in March of 1945 by an Army
photographer. In the photo, my dad, in full combat regalia is holding a sub-machinegun
on a Nazi prisoner whose arms are up. I wanted anyone entering my dad’s room to
know that the little old man that they were meeting was once a great warrior
who had fought valiantly for his country. We put similar photos outside my
father-in-law’s room.
* * *
After listening to “Cat’s in the
Cradle,” I turned off the radio and pondered the past, present, and future. I
realized that, 50 years ago, I thought I had lots of time to make up for lost
time, but I’ve learned that lost time can never be recovered. At present, I am
so grateful for all the generosity that Hashem has shown to Arleeta and me,
which we do not take for granted. And yes, I think about the future and wonder
what tomorrow will bring, but I focus on living each day!
I recall another beautiful song: “Is
this the little girl I carried? Is this the little boy at play? I don’t
remember growing older. When did they?” May we, children and parents,
appreciate and cherish each other. May we be sensitive to each other’s needs,
and may Hashem grant us good health, strength, wellbeing, and wisdom.
“Sunrise, sunset, swiftly go the
years. One season following another, laden with happiness and tears.”
