I write this from my room, listening to my children playing on day four of the COVID-19 shutdown. Life has changed, and we are trying to adjust to this new reality. Baruch Hashem, we are healthy, and the weather has been beautiful. If it weren’t for the worry for tomorrow and sadness for what has changed, we could truly enjoy what has become a beautiful family time.
In the face of the rapid pace of the changes, I would like us to pause and think about how we are doing – not what we are doing, but how we are doing. It’s stressful. We are facing school shutdowns and isolation. We can’t visit Bubby and Zaidy. There is a loss of income. We can’t go to shul, and there is a dangerous illness lurking everywhere. We have said goodbye to meaningful institutions and people, and we don’t know when things will return to normal. It’s w sad, and we are going through a lot. With so many real concerns, we need to be smart about what we do with ourselves and our children.
I appreciate what every school and parent is doing. Everyone is trying to quickly adapt to a new reality and give our children the best possible tools to grow, thrive, and feel safe. It is a beautiful message. The world shuts down, but life goes on. We are adapting!
Many of us, however, are acting as if no planning is necessary for such an upheaval. We are not acknowledging how scary it is. I am concerned that, when things return to normal, we will be faced with an onslaught of PTSD and the grief we are now rushing around to avoid.
We think we can’t wait for tomorrow, lest our children miss out on some skills which, honestly, could be picked up next week. My WhatsApp, social media, and inbox are inundated with ways to use this time for learning, growth, entertainment, and tefilah. There are learning programs, mitzva charts, streaming shiurim and schoolwork assignments, and live concerts. I am finding myself out of breath from the rush to figure this out so quickly. Of course, we are all doing our best. Maybe we should stop trying to be our best, when this situation calls for us to just be okay.
Getting Started
For me, the first thing to remember is that parents are in charge of their homes. More than ever, it’s just me and my family in the house. We have far less social pressure. We don’t get comments in shul or school or from relatives. We can shut the phone and email and take a break if we need to. We can make correct decisions for our family. My husband and I decided that that menuchas hanefesh (calm), simcha (joy), and connection to Hashem and each other were our first goals. We need to minimize anything that moves us away from that.
How do we achieve menuchas hanefesh? When stressed, our minds don’t think as easily. We created a framework so that we wouldn’t need to plan each day. There is a time for wakeup, Shacharis, and a start to activities. There is an end to our planned day. We have scheduled times to be together. Meals follow a routine and are simple but nourishing.
Morah Chani Purec, from Jewels, was a gem and sent us our daughter’s preschool schedule so we had an idea of what a child needs to do to be a person. As we get older, these activities are rote, but in preschool, they schedule bathroom breaks, snack time, music, and clean up. Her schedule was actually helpful in planning everyone’s day.
We also looked at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to know what to take care of first:
Basic needs: The premise of Maslow’s hierarchy is that basic needs need to be taken care of before anything else. We need to make sure our family is physically healthy. Into our schedule went meal and snack times, food prep time, and clean up. We also put in non-negotiable outside time and exercise for everyone. Staying in the house all day leads to poor physical and mental health. So far, it’s been sunny, but we found ideas for exercise in the home, too, Mendy Music is great for both preschoolers and adults. Dance parties work for everyone. Someone I knew bought Step It Up, and another does the daily Zoom exercise classes. Everyone needs to get outdoors or exercise, even masmidim.
Safety and Security: If we don’t feel safe from harm, we won’t be able to do anything else. Emotions are included in safety. We and our children need to feel emotionally safe and secure. Angry adults are scary to kids. They feel unsafe if we “lose it.” We need to minimize stress so we don’t get angry. Our motto is “keep it simple.” If something creates tension in the home, we don’t deal with it until we can do so calmly. For instance, I didn’t tell my children about all the myriads of programs until we got our house into a routine.
Security includes financial security. Parents need to keep their jobs. This means that the schedule has to allow for parents to work. If children aren’t able to learn or spend time in productive ways, they’ll be okay. If we lose our jobs trying to keep up with their enrichment, they won’t be. Fortunately or unfortunately, the data my husband needs for his dissertation is held up by COVID-19, so he has time available. He is running the schedule while I work from home.
Belonging and Love: Next in Maslow’s hierarchy is our need to belong and love. This need has really been undermined by COVID-19. We and our kids no longer go to shul and school or see friends. To combat this, we are working to make our home a place of belonging and love. Except for key exceptions, my children in elementary school and lower don’t have screen time between wakeup and 4:30. I am even hesitant to allow much educational screen time as I want my kids to stay grounded to the real world and people at this time when interactions are limited. We limit screen time for those in middle and high school as well, but they have more latitude to do school work.
The amazing thing is when kids are not on screens, they connect to each other in beautiful ways. During our mandatory outdoor time, family games of tag pop up. In the evening, there are obstacle races. This would not be happening if we did not make them turn off the screens.
Each of my older children has a shift leading an activity for their younger sibling. One is assigned cutting, coloring, and gluing. Another is in charge of reading Pesach books. The shifts continue throughout the day with suggested activities that we took from Morah Chani’s daily schedule. While they initially resented this responsibility, it forces them to connect and care for another human being. They need the connection as much as we need the help. The older boys learn with the younger ones. Pesach cleaning is a daily, family activity. Rather than everyone working in his or her own space, we are all working together, which has never worked in years past.
The Zoom calls and conference calls from school have been a big help with this, too. My children see other children on their screen. They hear that their rebbe cares for them. They know they are not alone. The Zoom calls are not ideal learning. At any other time, if a rebbe lectured for 45 minutes with no way to check in with every student, we would be frustrated. But it’s not about mastering the content as much as the joy of learning with friends and a rebbe or morah.
I would count ruchnius as a part of belonging and love. We have designated times and places for all tefilah and learning. We bought extra cell phones so our older boys can keep up with their chavruas. The daily class conference calls for learning Torah determine the rest of the schedule. My husband is learning with each of the children, and we are learning together as a family. We are focusing on emunah so we stay positive and avoid lashon hara.
Esteem: The next level is esteem needs. We need to feel successful and respected. For kids, being respected is a major drive. Here is where learning can begin. As we have gotten our home and schedule into a routine, we are adding activities to build self-esteem as well as ways to earn respect from others. After exercise, Torah, connecting, and play, we have plenty of time for schoolwork. Rather than doing too much in one day, we are alternating subjects by day and including one rote learning, like math facts, and one thoughtful subject, like an essay.
It took a few days, but I came up with a system that keeps me less stressed. We have a family computer in a central location. I created a Gmail account for each child. I have all the passwords. When I get an email from a teacher, I forward it to that inbox, so if and when the child is ready to learn, they can click on a link and see what is available. I put a folder on the desktop as well for documents or links the teachers are sending. We have a quiet area of the house where the children can work. As long as it stays stress free and doesn’t conflict with the other priorities, doing schoolwork gives my children a sense of familiarity, mastery, and accomplishment. They get esteem from the feedback from their teachers.
Self-actualization: The last of Maslow’s levels, self-actualization, is too much for me to think about right now. Becoming my best with creativity and using all my skills is important – but not now. I’m a creative person and when things calm down, I know I will plan the most creative parsha projects out there: maybe in two weeks, maybe in a few months. And that is fine for now.
Gratitude, Faith, Hope
We are living in uncertain times, a time of strong emotions. In this time, we can grow in ruchnius in ways I had never imagined. Rather than worrying if my sheitel looks good for work, I am thinking whether my sheitel is ready for the Shabbos Malka or to greet Mashiach.
Let’s remember, there is no rush and no “musts.” This is a time to focus on gratitude, emunah, and hope with our families. We can navigate this time of challenge to build us and our children, and we will come out not traumatized but stronger. Let us minimize the stress and, most importantly, stay connected, stay healthy, and stay safe.
