To the Shadchan:
I have been involved in making shidduchim for a number of years. In the past few months, I have encountered situations that have upset me, and I would value your opinion on what to do. One example: I will redt (suggest) a shidduch to a guy, and he will check out the girl and say yes. The girl also says yes, but she will be away, and I can’t set up the date right away. I inform the guy, and he says he will wait. After the girl returns, however, he is busy dating someone else.
In another instance, I redt a shidduch to a guy and he says yes, and the girl says yes also. Unfortunately he is in the middle of exams, and can’t go out right away. She says she’ll wait. What happens? After the exams, I call the guy, and find out that another shadchan approached him with a “better idea” and he’s going out with her! Isn’t there any mentchlechkeit in shidduchim these days?
The Shadchan Answers:
This is a very difficult question. I understand exactly where you are coming from, because I have also encountered such situations recently.
In previous times, young people approached shidduchim very differently than they do now, and it was therefore very rare that one would encounter today’s lack of menschlichkeit. Fifty years ago, it was not uncommon for a boy to take a 12-hour train ride from the Midwest to New York for dating purposes. In order to make the most out of his trip (there wasn’t much money to spend on dates in those days), a young man would go out one night with one girl and the next night with another girl. He then had to make a choice to continue with girl #1 or girl #2, but in those days, it was understood by all parties that this was what to expect from a boy traveling such a long way. With this honesty and understanding between all parties, many shidduchim were, b”H, successful, and those couples are our community’s grandparents and great grandparents.
We now live in a circumscribed society. Everything must fit a certain rigid pattern. We have to go to this place on the first date, and date this number of times. Every detail of the dating process has to be played in exactly the same way for everyone. The shadchan, too, demands that he or she be “in control,” as though boys and girls cannot make their own decisions.
In the dating situations you mention in your question, a single commits to date someone and is then presented with another suggestion. Instead of the singles notifying shadchan #1 that they are considering another suggestion, they just go ahead with the second idea. I would suggest that, at the very least, this person should call shadchan #1 and tell her what is transpiring, and the same should be told to shadchan #2. When such a conflict occurs, it is only fair that the boy or girl go out with both individuals and then make a decision – though I would say that all efforts should be made to avoid such a conflict in the first place.
I recently heard of a boy who committed to going out with a girl and was then presented with another suggestion. He went out with both girls simultaneously, without discussing the conflict with the shadchanim. He liked both the girls, but the second girl fit his picture better, so he called shadchan #1 and told her that he was dropping her shidduch, even though he liked the girl very much. It was only when he was pressed to provide a reason for ending the shidduch that he admitted he had been dating another girl and thought she was a better option. Guess what! Neither shidduch worked out, and he is still on the dating scene. Where is the menschlichkeit in this? Why wasn’t he honest with the shadchan before he committed to girl #2?
Regardless of one’s hashkafa (religious views) on how shidduchim should be handled, the one element that must be present in every dating situation is the core Jewish values of honesty and menschlichkeit when dealing with all parties in a shidduch: the shadchan, one’s parents, the parents on the other side of the shidduch, and most importantly, the person one is dating! If these principles aren’t guiding a young man or woman while he or she is dating, what are we to expect from our young couples once they are married?!
I am sure that many will not agree with me on what I am about to say, but I believe that, in their failure to be honest with all the individuals involved, some singles may be creating their own “crisis.” Perhaps it is an subconscious strategy to distance themselves from the possibility of actually marrying. Other singles feel, or are made to believe by others, that they are such a great “catch” that the traditional values of right and wrong don’t apply to them, that they have the right to trample on other’s feelings in their pursuit of the “perfect shidduch.” Some other young people today, in their eagerness to fit into our communal norms and find the shidduch that looks the best to others, analyze and over-analyze their dates to the point that they forget the human feelings involved. Finally, some singles actually need coaching in the socially appropriate way to interact on dates.
None of these situations is healthy, and our children should be taught the supreme value of emes, truthfulness, so that such a lack of menschlichkeit and honesty would be unthinkable by the time they reach the stage of dating and marriage. Parents as well as mentors must impress upon young people the importance of right and wrong, acceptable and not acceptable, and the value of honesty in the dating process.
I would also suggest that, at shidduch meetings, it should be announced that if someone presents a good shidduch suggestion, others should wait, and not interject their own prospects until they have been advised that the first shidduch did not work out – even if they feel that their suggestion is the most wonderful candidate in the world for the single in question.
There is one more basic question inherent in this letter: Is it appropriate to date more than one person at a time? I wrote, above, that in the past people would date more than one girl at a time for practical reasons. However, I’ve also mentioned that it is not menschlich to agree to date a second person when one does not inform the parties. Is this a contradiction?
I firmly believe that it is not. While dating two people at once is frowned upon today, this so-called “rule” is not halacha! It is a man-made societal rule that we have adopted in our circles. The problem is not that the individual is dating more than one person at a time; the problem is that the parties involved are not informed. If an individual comes to me and tells me that someone redt him another shidduch and that he would like to take out that girl also, who am I to say which one is his bashert? If another individual has extenuating circumstances, like traveling a far distance, school breaks, or a busy professional schedule, I believe that practicality dictates that that person can be involved in more than one shidduch at a time. However, I categorically believe that the values of yashrus (integrity) and emes (truth) must be followed in such cases. This involves giving both shidduchim an equal chance and informing all parties of the situation.
This issue is very relevant to a different type of circumstance: In today’s shidduch world, many girls sit and wait for months for a date. Then, all of a sudden, numerous requests will come through at the same time – as they say, “when it rains, it pours.” And yet, the young women are forced by an artificial prohibition to date only one young man at a time. Who knows if one of the others was her bashert, and she passed up an opportunity to meet him? If we allowed our young women to date more than one young man at a time, in a proper and “emesdik” manner, it might go a long way in alleviating what many call the “shidduch crisis.”
If, as parents, mentors, friends, and shadchanim, we encourage our singles to be honest and respectful in their dating, we may collectively be able to place the midda (quality) of emes back in rightful place in the shidduch process – and thereby improve the marriages of our young couples as well.
I hope that this has given you some insight, and I pray that we should all be matzliach (successful) as Hashem’s shlichim (messengers) in all our endeavors in this important mitzva.
