Dear Dr. Weisbord,
Ever since
elementary school, I have always dreamed of going to seminary in Eretz Yisrael.
Now that I am finally in twelfth grade, I am becoming less enthusiastic about
the idea. I am still eager to experience Eretz Yisrael, and I still feel like I
will benefit from the high level of learning. However, there doesn’t seem to be
any place that is right for me. There are several seminaries that I am
considering, but all of them have significant drawbacks, and there are
extremely compelling reasons not to attend each one. I feel as though I am
trying to choose between the lesser of two evils. Ten months is a very long
time to spend someplace. I don’t see how I’ll be able to hop on a plane and go
to any of these seminaries. I would not want to give up the whole idea, but I
just don’t know where I belong.
Not Fitting In
Dear Not Fitting
In,
Many times, when
we’ve nurtured a dream over a period of years, it’s hard for us to confront a
reality that just doesn’t seem to measure up. (Maybe this is a good preparation
for marriage, an institution that simply can’t be as perfect as our idealized
notions!) For a long time you’ve been visualizing yourself in seminary, getting
the maximum out of the Eretz Yisrael experience and growing in ruchnius (spirituality) and intellect.
Now you have to
face the harsh truth: There is no perfect place. Your job is to focus on the
one or two aspects of seminary that are most meaningful to you now, as a young
lady ready to leave high school. For example, if you want hashkafa (religious ideology) even more than covering a lot of
ground, look for the seminary that emphasizes that above everything. Stay
focused on your priorities, and the negatives will take a back seat. When you
go to seminary knowing that you have a goal and that this goal is worth putting
up with certain drawbacks, you are better able to handle the negatives and
genuinely benefit from all that the experience has to offer you.
Some of your
doubts may be related to this time of major transition in your life. Once you
graduate, you are in a totally new era. Your concerns, your priorities, the
demands upon you, your routine – everything changes. This major shift can cause
internal havoc, and it’s possible that some of your anxiety is a response to
that. We tend to focus on the forthcoming events – going to seminary and living
for 10 months in Eretz Yisrael – while hardly acknowledging the fact that your
life will be so different. Take some time to discuss these changes with your
parents, teachers, friends, and girls who have returned from Eretz Yisrael.
I’m wondering also
if some of your doubts are an expression of fear that you won’t get into the “right”
place. We have a whole system now that has created a hierarchy of seminaries
and a rating for shidduchim. It’s
quite reasonable for girls to worry about the effects of being “rejected” by
the most prestigious place or places.
What can I say?
Logic tells us that there are not enough openings for all the girls who apply.
As I told one BJJ “reject”: If 400 top girls apply and only 80 are accepted,
does that mean 320 girls became second-rate overnight?!
Your job is to
grow intellectually and spiritually; to consolidate the knowledge and concepts
you’ve acquired until now and build upon them; to develop an ongoing, deep
connection with the Ribono Shel Olam and a comfort with sefarim that will allow you to maintain a certain level of study
for the rest of your life; and to share all this with and impart it to your
family one day, iy”H.
Then remember that
there is a Ribono Shel Olam. He’ll make sure you find the person who will value
you for who and what you are, no matter which seminary you attended. You do
your job; let Him do His job, and you will be able to gain from your seminary
experience.
I wish you much hatzlacha, and I hope you’ll write me to
tell me the rest of the story!
Dr. Weisbord, a”h, answered this question in 2007. Her advice is timeless and still relevant.
