DEAR MR. SOLOMON,
My six-year-old grandson was at my house on Shabbos afternoon, and I was playing memory with him and a neighbor’s child. Every time the other child or I got a set, my grandson started to cry. He just couldn’t handle not winning. Funnily enough, I could understand him in a certain way. I also felt excited when I got a set and a little stressed out when another player got one turn after another, because when you get a set you get another turn. This incident reminded me that being able to lose is a very important skill. How can I help him learn to lose gracefully? It doesn’t help to say to him that it is just a game and that it doesn’t matter, because, obviously, to him it does matter! And if it really doesn’t matter at all, then why are we playing the game?
COMPETITIVE BUBBYDEAR BUBBY,
You’re right: Being able to lose is a very important skill. There are frequent situations in everyday life that equate to “losing” – choosing the wrong route and getting stuck in traffic, buying the peanut butter you thought the kids liked better, not doing as well on a test as you would have liked, etc. What all these situations have in common is the need to tolerate the ensuing uncomfortable feelings that come along with “losing.”
  I’m so glad you can empathize with your grandson; that puts you one step ahead. The chances are he wouldn’t be comforted by a dismissive statement, such as “It’s only a game; don’t make such a big deal about it.” In order to help a child (or even an adult), we have to first let them know we “get” their pain and can understand why they are upset. You could say something to your grandchild like, “Gosh, I also get stressed when I see other people winning. It’s so hard when things don’t work out how we’d like. In order to feel better, I remind myself that the main point of playing is to have fun together.” Then give him a playful hug.
  It’s also important to keep in mind that learning new ways of thinking takes multiple repetitions. Therefore, your grandson would likely benefit from you and his parents overtly modeling losing gracefully – when something doesn’t work out for you the way you wanted, say out loud, “I’m so upset. I really wanted to go to that show, but it’s sold out. Oh well. That’s okay. Things don’t always work out the way we wish they did.”
  If your grandson is frequently disappointed and not responding to his parents’ and your efforts to help, he may benefit from counseling to help better identify and address whatever is keeping him stuck. Also, as a grandparent, it will be important to skillfully navigate how you discuss all of the above with his parents; perhaps we can discuss that in a future column.â—†
Mayer Solomon, LCSW-C, is an individual and couple therapist in private practice, clinical instructor of family therapy at UM Medical School, and psychotherapist at The Retreat – a premier multidisciplinary treatment facility. He helps couples build connection and decrease distance and hurt, and individuals develop greater balance and peacefulness in their lives. He can be reached via www.solomoncounseling. com or at 443-326-2645. (The content, observations, and opinions of this article should not be perceived as specific counseling advice or as a substitute for professional consultation.)