Dear Rabbi Hochberg,
The other day I overheard my teenage daughter on the phone with her friend, and she sounded very angry. Although I was unable to make out what was going on, it disturbed me to see how angry she was. It’s not the first time she has gotten furious over something. To be honest, anger is a trait I also struggle with, and perhaps that’s why I was so bothered to see it in my daughter. I want to show her how to deal with life without getting so angry. Usually I explain to her why anger is not a good midda, but I haven’t found that to be very helpful. Is there a way to teach her to be less mad?
Mother in a Quandary
Dear Mother,
Your question opens the door to an insight that will become more and more useful as your children get older. It is a thought-provoking insight that you can apply to your quandary as well as to many other situations. Let me introduce it with a question: Are we comfortable with the process of struggling? Are we willing to truly be authentic with our children about our own challenges and struggles and how we handle them?
I have noticed that many people are afraid to explore their children’s struggles, much less their own. Instead, as they become aware that their children are having a difficult time with some emotion or midda, they quickly focus on the solution, not on the struggle. It is almost as though it were taboo to admit that a powerful struggle is taking place. And it is even more taboo for the children to know that their parents may be struggling with the exact same challenge!
Yet, the entire Tanach (Bible) is replete with stories of our great ancestors and others struggling with the different nisyonos and challenges of this world!
Let me give an example: If we see a child who is struggling with jealousy, we may be quick to point out that it is wrong to be jealous. We may even share inspiring stories with her and try to help her quickly remove the jealous thoughts from her mind. And although these strategies may be helpful, what other messages does she hear as well? Does she believe there is something wrong with her because she is so jealous? Does she ask herself, “If I struggle with jealousy but my parents want me to quickly get rid of those thoughts, what kind of person am I if I can’t do that?” Does she pretend to minimize her jealousy, too afraid of being honest and admitting that it is extraordinarily difficult for her? And worse, if she sees that her parents are also jealous sometimes but don’t acknowledge it, will she see them as hypocritical, possibly damaging their parental influence on her?
Do we show our children how to struggle? Do we share our own personal stories, victories, and defeats with them, showing them how to deal with being human? Imagine the impact if we said to this child, “Jealousy is such a difficult challenge – I often struggle with it myself. In fact, it even happened to me this week. It is part of being human. Let me share with you what happened and what I did to deal with it…”
Are we willing to truly be authentic with our children?
Acknowledging our own stories and struggles to our children (age appropriately, of course) provides them with three very powerful messages. One, it validates their struggles and removes the shame and guilt they may be feeling about having the struggle. Two, it provides important chizuk and encouragement as they see their parents working hard to overcome difficult challenges; it can also give them practical ideas as they hear what you have done. Three, it prevents them from seeing their parents as hypocritical because they learn that even their parents – the most important people in their world – struggle too!
The Vilna Gaon, zt”l, summed up the proper approach to struggles in a unique way. He writes that the yetzer hara will distract us during the first bracha in Shemona Esrei, and we must work hard to concentrate during the second bracha. He will distract us in the third, and we must try to concentrate during the fourth bracha. The Gaon’s message is simple: Everyone struggles. It is guaranteed to happen. Sometimes we are successful, and sometimes we are not. Our job is to keep picking ourselves up when we fall.
Imagine the power of that message when your children learn it from hearing your stories and watching how you face your own struggles!
May Hashem help you raise your children with the siyata d’Shemaya and strength to overcome any struggles they encounter in this world, and may each successive victory propel them to even greater heights in their lives.
Rabbi Dovid Hochberg, LCSW-C, is the Director of the Maryland Counseling Network and can be reached at davidhochberg99@gmail.com or 410-764-2029. A much sought-after psychotherapist, he is well known for his life-changing work with clients. He has published and lectured extensively on mental health, marriage, parenting, and relationship issues and is the author of The Jewish Teen’s Survival Guide. Please see www.dhochberg.com for more talks and articles.
