Dear Rabbi Hochberg,
The other night I was having a discussion with my husband about our twelve-year old son. Apparently, he has not been doing his homework and the teachers are getting frustrated with him. He is a smart boy who gets excellent grades at school. But he doesn’t like to do homework. My husband tries every night to help him, but it usually ends in a fight with both of them frustrated. We tried bribing him, threatening him, talking to him, etc., but nothing works. I don’t want to get another phone call from his teacher.
What should we do?
Frustrated Mom
Dear Frustrated Mom,
Without getting into the controversial question of whether or not children should have homework, I want to share some thoughts that will hopefully help you make the best parenting decision.
Ask any parent, “Whom are you parenting for?” and the answer will be, “For my children, of course!” After all, you don’t parent for yourself! You don’t want your children go to bed on time, learn well, develop healthy eating habits, drive safely, act selflessly and compassionately towards others, clean their rooms, be responsible, adopt and follow your values, and stop fighting with their siblings because of your needs!
Or do you?
I was once walking in the mall when I saw a three-year old having a complete meltdown on the floor, kicking and screaming and pulling off her shoes. Her mother stood over her anxiously, exclaiming loudly, “Put your shoes on, Heather. Everyone is looking at you, Heather. Everyone is wondering why Heather is having a temper tantrum.”
As I walked by, I thought to myself that the mother was not being completely honest. If she were being honest, she would have said, “Put your shoes on, Heather. Mommy is feeling very insecure as a parent right now and thinks everyone is judging her because of your temper tantrum. Please stop your tantrum so Mommy will feel better about herself.”
How much of Mom’s focus was on Heather, and how much was on her own discomfort? And how do you think that impacted her parenting in the moment?
This question “Whom are you parenting for?” plays itself out in a wide variety of situations, ranging from the very subtle to the dramatically obvious. It can take the form of making your child wear a coat in the winter so the teacher won’t think you are a “bad parent” or making him act politely so others will notice how well you have raised your child. It can spill over into getting upset with your daughter about her eating habits because you also struggle with that issue or putting pressure on your son to do well at school because you feel like a good parent when he gets A’s. It can show up when you want your younger children to act a certain way because you are worried about your older children’s shidduchim or when you force your child to share her toys because you want to make a good impression on your guests.
These examples share one common theme. Although you may be teaching your child important and valuable life lessons, your parenting is greatly influenced by how it makes you feel, and this impacts how you interact with your child.
There are many reasons for this: You may be very concerned with the way others view you. Will your child’s teachers think you are a good parent? What will your friends say if your child goes to that school? What will your neighbors think if they see your struggling teenager? Although your resulting parenting decisions may be critical life lessons, you are primarily making them because of the way others will think of you. And the odds are excellent that your children know this. They may not be sophisticated enough to pick up the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) nuances, but they quickly learn that the reason you want them to do their homework has more to do with not wanting their teacher to call (yet) again instead of their particular educational needs. You may tell them you are teaching them responsibility when you want them to keep their rooms clean, but they quickly recognize that it matters much more to you when their prim and proper great-aunt comes to visit. In trying to ensure that others look at you positively, you may make less effective, even detrimental, parenting choices, in addition to giving your children messages you really don’t want them to have.
Another reason is that everyone is raised with certain values, rules, and ideas that you bring with you into your parenting. You remember the way things were done in your homes – for better or worse – and you tend to expect your children to share those rules and ideas, even if they may not be the best thing for a particular child. And it can be very difficult to sort out what is coming from your own upbringing and what is coming from wanting the best for your child.
For example, a woman told me the problem she was having with her son. Apparently, he would go to sleep at 9:30 each night, and his mother wanted him to go to bed at 8:30. No amount of convincing, rewarding, or threatening him worked, and his mother was completely at a loss over how to deal with the situation.
“Is he getting up late the next day?” I asked. “Is he sleeping in class? Does he show signs of being irritable during the day? Are there any indications that his going to sleep at 9:30 is causing problems?” She responded with an emphatic “No!”
“So, tell me, “I asked, “Why is it so important that he go to sleep at 8:30?”
“Because that is when he should go to sleep! I went to sleep at 8:30 when I was his age.” She replied exasperatedly.
For whom was this mother parenting when she decided on a bedtime for her son?
A third reason you may do this is that the situation often touches on issues that are personally important to you, and it is frustrating that your children don’t feel the same way. For example, family participation at the Shabbos table may be very important to you personally, and it may even seem that your children are going out of their way to annoy you by not participating at the Shabbos table, but this may be your own sensitivity to the issue talking. It is crucial not to lose your parenting focus and to keep it directed towards making the parenting choices that will best benefit your children. (Note: It is important to consult a Rav when dealing with spiritual issues and situations that are important to you but are interfering with your family and your relationship with your children. The answers may surprise you.)
A final reason is that you may simply be overwhelmed. There are times at the end of a long, tiring, and frustrating day when you want your children to go to bed or leave you alone because you need the space. It may or may not be in your child’s best interest to go to sleep at that moment, but you need some time for yourself. Although you may want to be the perfect parent who never does this, this is the reality of parenting.
This brings us to the question of how can you make sure you are making the best parenting decision? Sometimes it is helpful to pretend that a friend of yours is asking for advice on the same situation. What would you advise her to do? This tactic helps you arrive at the most objective parenting decision without getting sidetracked by your emotional hot buttons, since you are giving advice to your “friend.”
It is also useful to take a moment and ask yourself, “What is the lesson I want to give my child? What is best for my child? Is anything getting in the way here?” Taking a moment to ask these questions will force you to re-evaluate the situation, giving you space to refocus on your child.
Also, recognize that sometimes it is okay to parent for yourself. You may need the space and time to recharge so you can continue to be the best parent you can be. Remember the message you hear every time you fly on a plane: Put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting your child. Why? It’s very simple. Although your child may be suffering in the moment, if you don’t take care of yourself and make sure you are in a good place, you will not be able to help him or her, no matter how hard you try.
So, what should you do about getting your son to do his homework?
As you might have guessed, I am not going to tell you what to do – and actually, there is no one perfect solution for all parents and all students. Rather, my best suggestion is to be honest and recognize your motivation for wanting him to his homework. Is it because you don’t want teachers to call, or because you believe it is best for him educationally? Is your motivation primarily for his needs or your needs? The best parenting decisions come from basing your decision on your child’s needs.
My message with all of this is simply to point out that it is very important to be honest with yourself and understand why you are making the parenting decisions you are making. Being honest puts you in the best possible place to refocus and change if necessary.
Rabbi Dovid Hochberg, LCSW-C, is the Director of the Maryland Counseling Network and can be reached at davidhochberg99@gmail.com or 410-764-2029. A much sought-after psychotherapist, he is well known for his life-changing work with clients. He has published and lectured extensively on mental health, marriage, parenting, and relationship issues and is the author of The Jewish Teen’s Survival Guide. Please see dhochberg.com for more talks and articles.
