Dear Rabbi Hochberg,
I am a mother of eight children. My husband has the
privilege of being a mechanech in a
yeshiva, and I work half a day to ease the burden of parnassa. We barely make it to the end of the month but, Baruch
Hashem, we’re a happy and healthy family. The problem is that there are things
we can’t afford, and my eldest son insists he needs them (because that’s what
all his friends have). I feel compelled to give in so as not to make him feel
deprived, but we can’t manage the expense. I’d like to know how to strike a
healthy balance, where on the one hand, he understands that if we can’t afford
it, we don’t get it, but on the other hand, he doesn’t feel deprived.
Wondering
Mother
Dear
Wondering Mother,
In
order to answer your question effectively, please allow me to address your
dilemma more profoundly. You seem to be really asking two distinct questions:
One, how can I help my son learn and appreciate the important lesson that if he
can’t afford to buy something, he shouldn’t feel that he is deprived? Two, how
do I deal with my own discomfort when my son feels deprived? It is so difficult
to tolerate that I wind up buying him things I can’t afford, and then I feel
even worse.
Let’s
begin by answering your first question. How do you help your child learn this
important lesson?
You
help him through your encouragement, support, and guidance. Understand that
ultimately this is his struggle, and effectively use your role as his parent to
guide and support him as he faces this struggle. You can model the appropriate
way for him to deal with this feeling and have open and honest discussions
about money and financial responsibility. Remember, if money is a taboo topic,
you will not be able to help him.
You can share personal stories of how you
struggled with the same thing and what you did about it. Encourage him as he
works through his frustration and anger at not being able to have all that his
friends have. For example, if his friends have the latest phones and he wants
one too, acknowledge how frustrating it is for him. Instead of minimizing his
frustration, talk it through with him. Be enthusiastic and supportive as he
works on practicing patience and self-control. Carefully guide him as he
slowly, and perhaps agonizingly, develops the midda of being samei’ach
b’chelko.
However,
it will be extraordinarily difficult to do any of this if you don’t resolve
your second question!
Let’s
look at what happens when your son asks you for something you can’t afford. You
feel bad saying no because you don’t want him to feel deprived, and you wind up
overextending yourself financially. You may feel resentful toward your son for
putting you in this position. You may feel guilty that you can’t buy him what
he wants. You may feel frustrated at yourself that you can’t be stronger and
say no to your son. You may blame yourself as a parent for failing to teach
your son these important life lessons.
If
you are dealing with all of this emotional pain, how can you possibly encourage
and support your son through his struggle? It is too overwhelming!
The
most useful approach is to honestly address the issues in your second question.
Why do you feel bad saying no to your son? Why do you feel guilty when you
can’t get your son what he wants? Why is it impossible to tolerate when he
feels deprived? Spend some time with these questions. They will highlight the
deeper areas within you that are still painful. Perhaps you grew up deprived
and are determined that your children will never share that experience. Perhaps
you judge your role as a parent by whether or not your children are happy. The
answers to these questions may be difficult to face, but they will be
refreshingly enlightening. Spend some time thinking about how you might work on
these areas. Imagine how you will feel when you have faced your emotional pain
and are able to fully concentrate on helping your son with his struggle! What a
parenting moment!
May
Hashem grant you clarity of thought, strength to grow, and tremendous hatzlacha as you support and guide your
children.
Rabbi Dovid Hochberg, LCSW-C, is the
Director of the
