Dear Rabbi Hochberg,
My parents never had the greatest marriage, and now
that they’re getting older, things are getting progressively worse. I am often
at the receiving end of their gripes about each other, and I’m never quite sure
how to respond. I tend to sympathize with my father’s complaints about my
mother, which are usually well founded (“She yells at me” or “She criticizes me
publicly”). I tend to find my mother’s complaints ridiculous (“He always buys
the wrong brand of coffee” or “He leaves his newspapers open on the couch all
the time”). Both my parents are equally bitter in their complaints, and I don’t
know how to answer in a way that is respectful and also helpful.
There
is no chance that they would discuss their issues with anyone outside our
immediate family, so going to counseling or a Rav is not an option. Should I
empathize with the suffering parent? Try to defend the parent being complained
about? Change the subject? And should my reaction depend on whether the
complaint is valid?
Not
Sure
Dear Not Sure,
The fact that you are asking these
questions implies that the answers aren’t simple. But have you thought about
why? It’s not that the questions are difficult. It makes sense that, if two
people are criticizing each other and one’s complaints are ridiculous, you
would tend to empathize with the person you feel is being unfairly attacked.
And yet you aren’t sure this is the proper approach. There is something about
taking one side that is making you uncomfortable.
You asked if you should empathize with
the suffering parent or come to the defense of the parent being complained
about. You wondered if you should change the subject or whether your reaction
should depend on the validity of the complaint.
I would be doing you a disservice by
answering your questions, and I will tell you why: Your questions reflect your
being in a relationship where you don’t belong. I appreciate your desire to smooth
your parents’ relationship, and fully understand your discomfort in being on
the receiving end of their complaints against each other. I am guessing that
you have been trying to “fix” this for as long as you can remember.
The challenge of parents not getting
along is that if you empathize and try to help one parent, you feel that you
are betraying the other one. When the discomfort becomes too much, you shift
your empathy and focus to the other parent, only to discover that now you feel
uncomfortable that you are betraying the first parent. And so you shift
again…and again…and again.
Unfortunately, by answering your
questions, I would be helping you remain inside their marriage, and you don’t
belong there. This is an issue between the two of them. Of course, you should
try to be respectful, but it will be extraordinarily difficult for you to be
helpful.
In fact, your involvement may even be
harmful to them. How can they work on their marriage by developing an alliance
with you? How can they resolve their issues by going outside their relationship?
They can only attempt to repair their marriage when they recognize that it is
between the two of them. As long as they triangulate you inside it, they don’t
have to face each other. I think you already know this. You have discovered
that no matter what you do, it feels uncomfortable.
There is no good way to answer your
questions. I would therefore like to suggest a different question, one that
will be much more helpful to you: What work would I need to do on myself to be
able to tolerate my parent’s criticism of each other without feeling that I
need to help them? Can I disengage myself from their marriage even though I
feel that I should empathize with the suffering parent? And if I find this
extremely difficult, what buttons is it pushing for me?
You may want to consult a Rav for the
specifics of what you can and can’t say to your parents. And you may want to
consult a professional for help if you find it too difficult to remove yourself
from their relationship.
May Hashem give you the strength and wisdom
to do the mitzva of kibud av va’eim in a way that will be best for
both you and your parents.
Rabbi
Dovid Hochberg, LCSW-C, is the Director of the
