The children are finally back in school, and both you and they are feeling relief and excitement. Unfortunately, you may also be feeling apprehension. I think we would all agree that this school year is setting up to be the most unusual we have ever experienced! For the children, there are many new restrictions in place regarding wearing masks, how to play during recess, how to sit at their desks, and how to interact with their friends.
All these rules
also make it harder for the teachers, who have to walk the delicate balance
between providing quality education and necessary structure while also
addressing the heightened emotions of their students due to our current
situation. It is not an easy task, and our teachers and children should be applauded for their dedication and efforts
under most extraordinary circumstances.
Meanwhile, parents
worry that their children might find these limitations overwhelming, and also
worry how the restrictions will impact the teaching this year. Let me share
some information that may be helpful.
Resilience
Research shows
that the number-one predictor of how resilient a person will be in the face of
a stressor or trauma is the way one experiences the stressor. It isn’t the
event itself that is predictive; it is the way it is experienced. People who
can frame stressors as a challenge become more flexible; they are able to deal
with them, perhaps even learn from them, and move on. People who frame the
stressor as a threat become more inflexible and are more likely to be
negatively affected. This is also why some people fall apart in the face of a
relatively low-grade stressor and some people bounce right back even after a
traumatic event.
The best thing you
can do for your children is help them experience their situation as a challenge
instead of something threatening. Regarding this, I would like to share a few
short words that the Vilna Gaon wrote about davening. He wrote that the yetzer hara will distract you during the first bracha of Shemoneh Esrei, so try to concentrate on the second bracha. He will distract you again in
the third bracha, so try to
concentrate on the fourth bracha. Although
the Vilna Gaon was discussing davening, I believe there are three powerful life
lessons within his words. These lessons will help foster resilience within your
children.
Dealing with Stress
Here
are some guidelines to dealing with stress:
1) Teach your children that life is composed of ups
and downs. There is an ebb and flow to life. We have this fantasy that life
will always go the way we want it and people will act the way we want them to
act. The first crucial step to becoming more resilient is to understand that
there will be periods when everything seems overwhelming and periods when all
seems calm and smooth. This is the nature of life. If you can accept this, you
will be less frustrated during the difficult times because they too will pass.
2) When you are overwhelmed and stressed, do not try
to make any significant long-term changes. It will only serve to frustrate you.
Instead, concentrate on the immediate, small changes that you can make. Just as
the Vilna Gaon suggested concentrating only on the next bracha, try to focus on a specific, small task that you can do instead
of trying to fix everything at once.
3) Do something to get momentum going. Momentum and
action shift your mindset from hopeless and helpless to optimistic and hopeful.
Taking some kind of action increases your feeling positive that things can
change. Inaction leads to feeling that you are completely helpless.
In order to help your children see this situation as a
challenge instead of a threat, have them come up with some creative ways to
deal with the new policies and rules at school. For example, point out to them
that they can make all kinds of funny faces behind their masks and no one will
know. This can reduce their tension. You can also suggest that they look out
for another student in class who may be struggling with the new rules and
brainstorm a way to help them. You can ask them every day to share something
that was challenging and something that was easy. Practice asking them, “How
did you handle that?” This question gives them the message that you believe in
them and also that the issue is manageable.
Tips
Allow me to also
share something about masks. They can be hot, uncomfortable, and sometimes make
you feel like you can’t breathe well. If your child is having a difficult time
wearing a mask, practice this technique with him: Take a deep breath in to a
count of four and exhale to a count of six. Do this three or four times.
This does two
things: 1) It helps your child see that he or she has enough air to breathe. 2)
When you exhale for an extended period of time, it stimulates your vagus nerve
to slow your heart rate and relax your body. This works automatically without
any thought involved. Practice this with your children and encourage them to
use it when necessary.
Also, remember to
adjust your expectations closer to your reality. Although many things are the
same at school, there are also many things that are different. No one,
including the government, doctors, school administration, staff, etc., really
knows for certain how any of this will play out. Be as flexible as you can with
your expectations and you won’t be frustrated if they don’t end up matching
your reality.
If your child is
really having a difficult time with the school policies and procedures, reach
out to the school. There are many factors at play here and you will have to
weigh everything to make the best decisions for your child. Try to work with
the school in your discussions and not against them. This entire situation
isn’t fun for anyone on any level.
May Hashem grant
all of our children a successful year in school and may we all see His kindness
in a positive and loving way.
Rabbi Dovid Hochberg, LCSW-C, is the Director of the
