This
article is about being true to your word, helping your children do the same,
and making the most of it in a productive and positive way with your children.
In
the parent-child relationship, trust is crucial. Yet trust can be a funny thing
when it comes to children. It seems that any passing comment or careless
thought you expressed without paying attention to it becomes a legally-binding
agreement in their eyes. You may have been in the middle of washing dishes when
your daughter breezed through the kitchen, mumbling something about getting
together with her friends. You may have mumbled something back as you reached
for a towel. You can be certain that whatever you said (as long as it was in
the affirmative) will come back to haunt you, even if you can’t even remember
what it was that you agreed to! “But, Mom, you s-a-i-d!” will ring through the
house until you let her go.
However,
it seems to work in the opposite manner when parents ask children to do
something. We can come up with what we believe to be an ironclad, crystal clear,
and specific agreement that covers every circumstance. Unfortunately, it is a
lesson in futility. For example, your son may ask to go out on an afternoon
when it is his turn to mow the lawn. You explain that he can’t go until he does
his job, but he pleads that he will do it the minute he steps foot back in the
house. You explain that if he doesn’t come back on time and mow the lawn, there
will be a consequence. You decide on a reasonable time, lend him your cell
phone so you can call and remind him when it is time to come home, go over your
agreement several times to make sure it is clear, and off he goes.
It
is a foolproof plan, right? Perhaps. But it is not “childproof.”
Your
son comes back an hour-and-a-half after he was supposed to, with an apologetic
look on his face. He explains that it was impossible for him to come back on
time, and although he knows it is too late for him to mow the lawn, he still
shouldn’t be in trouble because…and he goes on to list several excuses and
explanations in a dazzling display of unmatched creativity and sheer
brilliance.
Children
expect us to faithfully honor the most carelessly expressed offhand comments
made to them and, at the same time, try to maneuver out of agreements they made
with us in the clearest and most understandable terms. And that is exactly what
they are supposed to do. They are children, after all.
So
what should you do?
You
should be open and honest about the fact that you think it is unfair. Tell them
that if they expect you to honor your commitments to them (cite an example when
you followed through on your agreement), you expect them to honor their
commitments to you. Period. They may try to drag you into an argument about an
individual situation or rationalize about why it wasn’t their fault. Don’t fall
for it. Simply repeat that if they expect you to honor your word to them, you
expect them to honor their word to you, and that is all you have to say about it.
The
reason this technique works is because children really do understand fairness
and the importance of being true to your word. They just try to push the
envelope as far as they can until you draw the line or call them on it. They
may be angry and frustrated, but that is okay. If they feel that way, it means
that they understood your message and aren’t happy about it.
It
also goes without saying that keeping your own word is critical in maintaining
a positive relationship with your children. If you find that you are agreeing
to things and not honoring those agreements, the first step is to stop making
agreements. This may create confrontation in the short-term because your child
is used to getting an automatic yes, but in the long run, it is better for your
relationship with your child. It is always better not to agree than to agree
and not follow through. If you find yourself being pressured to make a decision
immediately, you should tell them, “If you need an answer right now, the answer
is no. If you can give me 15 minutes to think about it, I may say yes.” This
gives you a little time to think clearly about the situation so you can make
the best decision. There is no rule that you have to make your decisions
immediately.
Remember,
you don’t have to make the agreement, but if you do agree to something, it is
extremely important to follow through.
There
is another interesting thing about trust that I want to discuss: Trust seems to
be a Catch-22. You don’t want to trust your child until he earns your trust,
but if you don’t take the risk of trusting him, he will never be able to earn
it. What are you supposed to do?
My
experience has been that the following rule works well for both parents and
children: Trust does not necessarily have to be earned initially, but it must be earned to be retained.
For
example, your 12-year-old son asks if he can play on the computer for a half
hour before he cleans his room for Shabbos. You know that he is responsible and
usually keeps his word. However, he can get really caught up in the game, and
it becomes next to impossible to pull him away. You reluctantly agree that he
can play for a half hour but he must come immediately when you call him.
An
hour passes and despite your calling him, he is still on the computer. You finally
go over and threaten to turn it off unless he cleans up his room now, and he apologizes for not coming
right away, but he couldn’t just stop the game in the middle because.…
You
took the risk of initially trusting your son, and that was good parenting. You
entrusted him with the responsibility to earn and maintain your trust based on
his actions. That is how children learn and grow. What do you think your
reaction will be the next time he asks to play on the computer before he does
his job? Remember, in order for trust to be retained, it must be earned. And he
certainly didn’t earn yours. He made a poor choice, and there are should be
consequences for that poor choice.
Let’s
look at what happened: You took a risk and trusted your child, making him responsible
for continuing to earn and retain that trust. Great. He made some choices, and
you responded to his choices. Great. Your son learned a life lesson about
responsibility, consequences, trust, and choices. Great. That’s real parenting!
Here
are some tips and thoughts that may be helpful:
·
You will have to make this decision based on your
particular child and the situation, but it is usually okay to let children try something new for the first time,
as long as you make your expectations clear. Remember, it is not possible for initial
trust to be earned, and you have to take a risk by giving your child the
responsibility to safeguard the gift of your trust. Subsequent trust should be
earned, and if your child does earn it, he should be entrusted with more
responsibility.
·
Parenting requires risk-taking; it is part of the job
description. If you are finding it difficult to trust your children, ask
yourself if your hesitation comes from their
actions or your fears? If their
actions dictate that they do deserve more trust and responsibility, take a deep
breath and give it to them.
·
Try to be as clear and upfront as possible when making
an arrangement with your child. What exactly are your expectations for your
son? How should your daughter demonstrate that she can be trusted? Are you
prepared to accept excuses and explanations or not? Are you willing to give
second chances? Obviously, you will not cover every situation, but try to be as
open as possible when you are first making the agreement. It will make things
easier for you later on.
·
Once you have made the agreement, the responsibility
for earning and maintaining your trust now belongs to your child. Allow him to
make the responsible choices, but understand that the choice is his. Your role
is to follow through based on his actions.
Rabbi Dovid Hochberg, LCSW-C, is
the Director of the
