Dear Rabbi
Hochberg,
At different times
throughout the year, we are very excited to get together with our married
siblings and all their children at our parents’ home. It is rare that we are all
together, and we want to do all we can to have a beautiful, calm atmosphere for
everyone.
Unfortunately, I
sense possible trouble brewing ahead. Even though we are all adults, when we
get together, my siblings and I tend to slip back into
the same patterns we had as children. This one always feels left out, this one
wants everyone’s attention, and this one tries to be the peacemaker and ensure
we all get along.
Why do we do this?
Shouldn’t we all act more maturely?
Concerned Sibling
Dear Concerned,
One of the
illusions of returning to a parent’s home as an adult child is that we no
longer have to deal with the uncomfortable and painful feelings of jealousy,
sibling rivalry, unmet expectations, favoritism, and parental disapproval.
“After all,” we reason hopefully to ourselves, “we are all mature adults now
and can leave those petty issues behind us.” Yet, as soon as we enter the
familiar home environment in which we grew up, those powerful feelings come
flooding back – for, although we are adults, we are still our parents’
children.
These issues play
themselves out in many ways as we return “home.” If your brother was known as
the smart one or your sister was the one who had it all together, you will
probably face those same experiences when you get together. If you were jealous
of your sister or felt your brother received more attention, you might find
yourself watching closely to see if your husband matches up to her husband or
if his children are more favored by your parents than your children. Not only
that, but you think that you shouldn’t have these feelings and so try to hide
them. You may even find yourself bringing the accomplishments of your spouse
and children into the conversations to help you feel better about yourself. You
may laugh about your childhood issues now, and perhaps be more open about them,
but chances are that the issues that caused you pain while growing up still
evoke some hurt.
“I don’t
understand,” you think, “I feel exactly as I did when I was ten.”
Yes, your insight
is absolutely correct. The playing field between you and your siblings has
changed, but the dynamics have remained more or less the same. This is the
nature of siblings. The “hot buttons” of your growing-up years, those sibling issues
that you struggled with as a child, don’t simply fade with time. However, you
will also notice that the bond between you has grown stronger. You have more
shared understandings, more similar experiences, and more maturity.
The good news is
that being an adult comes a greater sense of comfort and confidence in
yourself. The more you notice and nurture this confidence, the stronger it will
grow over your lifetime. Maturity also allows you to connect to your siblings
in deeper ways than you did as a child. Combined with the greater bond between
you and your siblings, this maturity and self-confidence will provide you with
the impetus to work on your middos
and push you to face the discomfort that family gatherings often produce.
It is very
important to be aware of what is going on.
Recognize what underlying emotions are at play so you can deal with them
appropriately. If you suddenly find yourself jealous that your parents seem to
be spending more time with your sister’s children, look inside and recognize
the familiar dynamics. Trust me, you have felt this way before, and it is only
those old wounds surfacing that make it so painful. Pay attention to what is
happening so you can push yourself to deal with it, using the greater maturity
and strength you have developed as an adult.
Also, don’t
underestimate the power of open communication. The longer you avoid talking
about an issue, the more resentment you will have towards family members.
Remember, it is going to be easier (although not necessarily easy) to work
things out with each other now that you are both more mature. You can even try
to be the first one to reach out to your siblings to work out a problem. You
will be surprised at the confidence this will give you.
May Hashem grant
all of us beautiful moments, surrounded by the closeness of family and friends,
and may we strive to grow from the experience.
Rabbi Dovid Hochberg, LCSW-C, is the Director of the
