The smoke detector sounds. It is an emergency. Without question, we must do something. Studies show that when there is a fire, many people instinctively retrace their steps to exit the building through the same doorway that they came in.
In marriage, too, when alarms sound and a sense of
urgency sets in, there is a tendency for many people to instinctively think
that they should retrace their steps. When there are problems, they think that
they must undo the marriage and proceed with divorce. We must ask ourselves: Is
there another option?
When a person is in a crisis, it is best to take a
moment to assess the situation. The smart way out of the crisis is not
necessarily to undo our steps. In the case of a smoke detector, it might be
safer and more effective to properly assess the situation and use a fire
extinguisher if necessary. In the case of a marriage crisis, it might well be
safer and more effective to meet with a mentor who specializes in the area of
concern and learn relationship skills to bring the marriage to a happy
place.
In my marriage mediation work in the frum community I have encountered a
significant number of cases that were headed for divorce but were totally
reversible with proper intervention. I am not talking about simply deescalating
a crisis until the next crisis arises (i.e., “kicking the can down the road”).
I am talking about couples who truly work things through. They become a team,
creating a model for conflict resolution so they can effectively work through
issues in the future.
Marriage repair requires that couples do not panic.
But it does require that they seek intervention, the earlier the better. Like a
responsible person reacting to a smoke alarm, we are grateful for the warning
that there is a problem. We need to take the warning seriously and stay in that
uncomfortable space long enough to assess it.
For many couples experiencing conflict, this is very
scary. When they signed up for marriage, they did not sign up for this. Yet, by
identifying the cause of the disconnect, we often can, together, address the
issues calmly and effectively.
Many of the cases in which I have seen success
involved very intentional, ongoing collaboration between the couples’
therapists and mentors. Through collaboration, we were able to assist the
husband and wife to a place of trust, happiness, and resolution.
I believe that many divorces in the frum community are avoidable if we
seriously consider the following three observations:
1) Support the dating process with integrity.
There is a practice that some people will not disclose information that could
hurt the shidduch. While it is
certainly wrong to relate some information (e.g., that he or she was suspended
in high school for an infraction), many examples of withheld information
include medical or behavioral conditions that should have been discussed before
engagement because they will undoubtedly emerge in the marriage. In some cases,
when the condition shows up and the spouse and family object to the fact that
the condition was not disclosed, they are told, “We were afraid it would hurt
the shidduch, so we asked a shaila when they started dating. We were
told we did not have to disclose it.”
Indeed,
asking a shaila is the correct thing
to do. However, how a shaila is asked
and appreciating the nuance of the answer can make all the difference. Was the psak that the information does not have
to be disclosed to start dating, or that it does not have to be disclosed at
all, so that it will emerge after the couple is married? Was the shaila asked in the context of strict halachic
obligation, or was it asked to include eitza
tova (good advice) and the “fifth cheilek of Shulchan Aruch?”
It is
important to appreciate that a shaila
in shidduchim disclosures is not the
same as Orach Chaim or Yoreh Deah. This is not a question about
baking a cheesecake in the oven you usually use for fleishigs or paskening if
a non-Jew can turn on an air conditioner for you on Yom Tov. Such questions may
well have standardized answers according to the psak of a particular rav.
A psak regarding shidduch disclosures affects another party in a very profound way. Shidduch questions in health and
behavioral issues are most similar to Choshen
Mishpat. In fact, they are even more serious than Choshen Mishpat because the other side is not present to voice
their opinion.
Sometimes
a psak may be that disclosure should
be made but with proper support so that the issue can be managed in the context
of a happy marriage. Unfortunately, if appropriate disclosure of significant
issues does not take place before the marriage, a level of trust may be broken.
Even in cases where the condition could have been navigated successfully, the
man or woman who was left in the dark may find it very hard to proceed in the
relationship in a healthy and trusting way. This is a recipe for a challenged
relationship and should be avoided.
Note, I am
not discussing what a person asked about a potential shidduch should disclose. That is the topic of lashon harah l’to’eles and is beyond the scope of
this article. Likewise, I am not recommending that the shadchan be the go-between on sensitive personal issues. I am
specifically focused on the observation that some issues do need to be worked
through between the parties through personal disclosure before engagement.
Another
pitfall that sometimes occurs during dating is that a prospective couple might
be intentionally or unwittingly rushed into the relationship. I know that in some circles, parents or shadchanim will hurry the shidduch
along lest an issue comes up that could break the shidduch. Personally, as a marriage coach and mediator, I think it
is wonderful if an issue comes up during dating. It gives the prospective
couple a chance to think and to work it out. It might even cause them both to
reach out for help, to be mentored regarding what really matters in a
relationship, and to learn the skills of decision making and
reconciliation.
It seems to me that, in
our times, dating can no longer just be about a person finding his or her bashert. Dating is a part of the
maturing process; it is part of self-development. While many young men and
women can keep pace with the imposed scheduling of a restricted number of
dates, other prospective couples may need time and counsel to guide them through
a successful dating experience.
Sometimes parents
unwittingly rush the shidduch for a
variety of reasons. Consider the following conversation between Chaim, a
wannabe chassan and his father: “Well,
Chaim, you know Mommy and I are so happy for you. You went out motza’ei Shabbos and last night, and things seem to be going well. Of
course, we are not rushing you. But with Bubby leaving back to Eretz Yisrael on
Monday morning next week, I just wanted to know if we should reserve the shul
simcha room for Sunday night, just in case.”
It is clear to me that
Chaim’s father, mother, and Bubby only mean well. But if they unwittingly cut
short the healthy dating process – if Chaim checks in with
his rebbe one less time than he should – they have
done a terrible disservice to themselves, to Chaim, to his potential wife, and
to the greater Jewish community.
2) When a couple encounters challenge, ask for
help. There are several reasons why people do not reach out for help. Some
couples think that the problems will go away with time. This is unlikely. If a
couple does not yet have conflict resolution skills, they cannot be expected to
organically arrive at a resolution without some sort of mentorship or
intervention. Likewise, distancing does not get better with time. The earlier
the couple reaches out for help, the better.
Another
reason that couples don’t look for guidance is because of stigma. Fortunately,
in our time, it is becoming more normal for couples to seek advice. Reaching
out for help is something we must appreciate and admire.
One final
reason that many couples don’t reach out for help is because it can be costly.
Indeed, it is tempting to ask a friend for free advice rather than going to a
counselor or mediator. But you cannot expect the same results. Even rabbis,
mentors, rebbetzins, and teachers who can give awesome shalom bayis classes might not be equipped or have the time to deal
with underlying issues of conflict on a personal level.
When a
marriage is in crisis, true marriage mediation or professional counseling is
appropriate. If cost is the issue, consider this. If a marriage heads for
separation and possibly divorce, an additional apartment will be needed. The
cost to rent an apartment is far more than the cost of professional marriage
intervention.
On a
practical note, many community tzedaka
organizations will contribute towards marriage intervention and repair if the
effort is done with discreet collaboration and has a good prognosis for
success. The cost to the community, especially when there are children, is far
greater by the thousands, than the cost of early intervention.
There was a time when chassan and kallah
classes were almost exclusively focused on halacha. Today, many of these
classes are providing premarital education so that young marrieds do have the
skills and perspectives they need to succeed. Yet, invariably, some students
and some situations will fall through the cracks. As an accepted standard of
reaching out for help emerges, it is more likely that couples will do so when
there are concerns.
3) People who are not qualified to pass
judgment on the marriage should not: When a person is having trouble in
marriage, he or she might confide in a friend or personal therapist. That
friend or personal therapist should be empathetic. But they should be very
careful not to pass judgment on the spouse or on the marriage. Too often, a
well-meaning friend will say, “This marriage just doesn’t seem good for you.”
In fact, some well-meaning people will diagnose the spouse they never met with
narcissism based on the description that their friend has shared with them.
Please,
never pass judgment on the spouse you never met. (See Choshen Mishpat 17) Please, don’t pass judgment on a marriage if
you have not been trained in working with couples in crisis and helping them
reach resolution. Until a marriage counselor or marriage mediator meets the
couple together and watches how they interact, no one has license to advise or
pass judgment on the marriage.
One of the amazing aspects of marriage counseling and
mediation is that it uses the techniques of both therapy and negotiation. The
skills of therapy – to hear and to
validate the pain – are necessary. But it
is also important to be future oriented, to step forward from the pain and
strike a deal that can work. This is best done through professional
collaboration. When there is a skilled mediator collaborating between the
couple and their therapists, the miracle of resolution is possible.
A number of years ago, my car was making a troubling
thumping sound. When I gave a ride to a neighbor, he told me, “Rabbi, that
noise – it’s serious. You need to trash
this car and get a new one.” I took the car to the mechanic and for $800 he
fixed the problem. Since then, the car has been running nicely with just some
required basic maintenance.
After a couple reaches out for assistance and receives
the professional support they deserve, they will have the opportunity to
reflect on those who told them to call it quits. Just as with my car, those who
do not have the skill to fix something think it must be trashed. But to those
who are in the field of fixing that very problem, there is the option of
staying calm and providing repair.
* * *
The increased divorce rate is painful on many levels,
and it can be attributed to many causes. I am suggesting, from my perspective,
that many of the divorces in the frum
community can be avoided if we work together, especially regarding the themes I
have mentioned, which seem to be repeating themselves.
A marriage crisis, like a blaring smoke detector, is
cause for alarm. But we need to train ourselves to be okay in crisis and take
the time to work things through. The core values of our communities are
healthy. We will, b’ezras Hashem, continue
to produce happy, harmonious marriages. Let us share the message of hope and
intervention to couples who are in crisis.
Rabbi
Mordechai Rhine is a certified mediator who specializes in marriage mediation.
He has served as a community rav for 20 years. He lives in Baltimore, Maryland,
and services couples nationwide by Zoom. He can be reached through his website
CARE-Mediation.com or by email at RMRhine@gmail.com.
