Planning any kind of simcha – be it a wedding, bar mitzvah, bris, Kkddush, sheva brachos, pidyon haben, etc. – comes along with extensive planning, organizing, and prioritizing. Should the tablecloths be blue or silver? Orchids or lilies? A three-piece band or eight? A hall for 50 or 100? 200 or 400? The photographer who gives an album, or the one who just gives the proofs? The grander the simcha, the more intense the headaches for the baalei simcha.
In the past two decades, as simchos have swelled to credit-busting proportions, community leaders and rabbanim have been exerting pressure to keep simcha celebrations to a minimum, without unnecessary grandeur and luxury. So much focus has been placed on prices, decibels, and cutoff hours that we have been unanimously neglecting to focus on the behavior and chinuch (education) of the smallest participants in the simcha: the children.
Those who do pay attention to children at a simcha almost always notice their terrible or annoying behavior. Children will grab food first, interrupt their parents during the bar mitzva boy’s leining, the badeken, or the chassan’s attempted dvar Torah. They run around madly and make a terrible ruckus, and basically misbehave and act inappropriately. Adults will cluck their tongues and wonder why the children can’t just sit still, smile politely, and do what they are supposed to do.
At the next simcha you attend, watch the children carefully. Overlook their annoying behavior and notice their expressions and questions. “Where am I supposed to be now?” “Why doesn’t anyone have time for me?” “How come I can’t sit on my sister the kalla’s lap?” “Why does Mommy only want to hold my new baby and tells me to find someone to play with?” “What’s happening now and who can help me?” In almost all cases, children of baalei simcha are bathed, dressed, and primped, only to be left confused, perhaps lonely, and almost always hyperactive when the simcha begins and no one is paying any attention to them.
Luckily, the negative feelings that a child may feel at a simcha, which lead to misbehavior, can be easily avoided with minimal preparation and discussion, leaving everyone to fully appreciate the joyousness of the occasion. Preparing a child for what will happen at any simcha must be on the to-do list just as much as choosing a caterer or making a menu, preparing clothing, and choosing the venue.
The first question to ask yourself is what role you want and expect your child to fill during the simcha? Will he be getting a seat at the meal? If not, did you make sure to prepare other arrangements for him? Is the child going to walk down the aisle? Alone, or with cousins? Is he supposed to stand right next to Tatty during the bris, or do you need to explain to him why he can only stand on a chair next to Uncle Dovid and watch? Before expecting children to behave appropriately during a simcha, you have to decide what role you want them to fill.
Things that adults don’t think twice about, such as simcha vocabulary or simcha minhagim (customs), can cause a truckload of confusion for a child. What’s the difference between a mechutan and a mesader kidushin and a kvatter? What is the badeken, sandek, tana’im, kesuba, mohel, etc.? What is a mitzva tantz and who says it’s a mitzva? Why do we break a plate and a glass? I’m never allowed to break dishes just for fun! No one ever clapped when I broke a glass.
Unless you prepare your child with minute details about who is whom, what is happening when, and who is doing which part of the simcha, the child may be monumentally confused and proceed to either misbehave, ask inappropriate questions, or interrupt people who need to focus on the simcha proceedings. The children’s improper behavior is most likely because they have no idea what is going on and what they are supposed to be doing.
There are a few simple ways to avoid causing your children’s misbehavior. A few days or weeks before the simcha, you can take out an album with photos of your wedding, a bris, or a bar mitzva, and show your children exactly what will happen, when, and who will be doing what. Point out the chassan and kalla or sandek, mohel, and kvatter, and name those family members or friends who will take those titles. Turn the page to the children walking down the aisle, and explain if and exactly how your child will be walking down the aisle, with whom, with what music, and who is going to tell them when to go. Show your children the intense looks on the faces of the chassan, kalla, or Mommy and Tatty at important moments of the simcha, and explain that they shouldn’t be interrupted during these times.
One of the major discussions to have with children is what you, their parents, will be doing during the simcha. That can help them understand that when you can’t answer their questions, it is not because they are not important but because you are involved in other timely matters. However, as busy as you may be, take that one minute (from the several hours of the celebration) and make personal contact with each one of your younger children. A simple “Are you having fun?” “Did you like the cake?” or “You look so handsome/beautiful/adorable in that outfit!” conveys to each child the message they he or she is important to you, even though the simcha is revolving around another. I know of a parent that makes it a priority to dance individually with each child – a few seconds of an hours-long event that makes each child feel like a million dollars!
Another crucial aspect of preparing children for a simcha is going through a “what if” list. Many a headache can be avoided if the child is told in advance what to do in case something spills on his beautiful new suit, what he should do if he gets lost in that larger-than-life banquet hall, what he should do if he gets tired or didn’t get any food, etc.
The common complaint that children grab food and seats before adults shows a clear lack of preparation and chinuch. No matter how hungry a child is, parents must teach (not just tell!) the child to have derech eretz (respect) and wait until the adults have taken before helping themselves. Much of their Neanderthal-like behavior can be prevented by giving the children a proper meal or healthy, filling snacks before the simcha begins, so that they aren’t famished when the food comes out.
Children need chinuch in all areas of life. It is obvious that they need to be taught how to read and write, how to learn a pasuk or daf gemara, or how to treat others with respect, yet we expect them to be born knowing how to behave at a simcha or other formal affair As a general rule, if the child is attending the simcha, the child must be old enough to know how to act.
A mother once shared with me her hesitation in taking her child in public, even to the grocery store. “He starts grabbing stuff from the shelves, he screams until he gets whatever he asks for, and he causes me such embarrassment,” lamented the mother. I asked her if she gave her child any preparation for a visit to the grocery store, to which she responded that she had never considered such a conversation. When we think about it, there are so many things that a child needs to know and hear about before going to the grocery store even once.
The same form of chinuch and preparation should take place when it comes to simchas. Under the right settings, the child should be told what to expect, so that he can act in the manner that is expected of him.
Another area of children and simchos that must be addressed is that of noise. It is obviously disrespectful for the children to talk during a speech. However, it may be unreasonable to expect the child to sit quietly for a lengthy period of time while the speeches are being delivered. These decisions must be made in advance otherwise it becomes embarrassing for all involved – for the children, for the parents, and for those who will demand that the children to be quiet.
Finally, an important skill to teach children in connection with simchos is extending appropriate greetings. Rehearse with your children how to say mazal tov to the right people, and how to respond when someone says mazal tov to them, as well as how to receive a compliment. Treat every facet of the simcha as an opportunity to teach your children life skills.
May we merit celebrating countless simchos!
Rabbi Ginsberg, a renowned mechanech and author, lives in St. Louis Park, Minnesota.
