The summer is a very expensive time of year. Between camp, supplies for camp, and requests for special treats, I and my wallet feel drained. I was excited when a friend suggested that I write about teaching teenagers how to budget as I reasoned that would give me an impetus to get a handle on the topic (keeping in mind my husband’s reminder that I should only write about what I know!).
Fortunately, our community is blessed to have the wonderful organization Mesila, which counsels families on how to stay fiscally responsible. I will leave it to them to provide the practical tips on managing the finances in our lives. Many of our local schools also teach financial management during middle and high school, and these programs should be encouraged and expanded. What I can do is provide some additional ideas that can help frame this important topic.
First Things First
What is the first thing we should teach our children about money? The Sforno explains that, after the sin of the meraglim (spies), Hashem gave bnei Yisrael the commandment to give the first of their dough to the kohen so that there could be the bracha, blessing, of abundance in their homes. Our children and students will acquire money – either from working or from gifts. The first thing we should train them to do is set aside maaser and tzedaka, preferably in a separate account or envelope. It’s counterintuitive, but without first giving to others, our money and possessions are limited. It is only through giving that we receive bracha in our financial endeavors. When Hashem sees that we understand that we are merely stewards of His gifts, He views us as a good investment. Cultivating this habit in our children ensures them a lifetime of bracha.
Rosh Hashanah
In a few weeks will be Rosh Hashanah. In addition to the judgments regarding life or death, sickness or health, etc., this is the time of year when all our financial affairs are decided. A number of years ago, on erev Rosh Hashanah, a relatively new fridge broke. (In our family, fridges, freezers, and ovens have a minhag to break right before a Yom Tov.) We contacted Sears, and they told us that the fridge was out of warranty and would cost $500 to repair. We decided that we would survive the Yom Tov with our spare fridge as it was out of budget after all our Yom Tov purchases. Within minutes of the decision, I blew a tire driving. I needed the car and took it to the repair shop, which charged me $500 for new tires. Sears called back soon after and told us they changed their mind and would replace our fridge for free immediately. It was clear that, according to the financial accounting from the previous Rosh Hashanah, we still owed $500 – but not $1,000. Rosh Hashanah couldn’t come until we had discharged that debt.
This reality can be taught to our children: Money comes from Hashem. Even with the most prudent planning, there will always be mishaps, surprise expenses, and windfalls. Some can be planned for; others cannot. When these surprises happen, we can provide the context for our children. Rather than getting flustered, we can acknowledge that this was part of the Plan. We can explain that a financial loss is better than a physical injury. When there is a dent or a stain or a tear, we can express aloud that it should be a kapara (atonement) for our sins and was part of our Rosh Hashana accounting.
Having a set income from Rosh Hashanah also means that we need to be careful with our income. If I choose to use my money for lattes rather than for food, I am not guaranteed that I will have the money I need when I need it. Only Shabbos spending and money for chinuch (Torah education) are outside this calculation, and even these expenses have stipulations: We are not to spend extravagantly or go into debt when we cannot pay it back.
One way to help our children to become aware of the ebb and flow of money is for them to keep a running tally of what they spend and what they earn. By writing it down, they can look back on their year. Since they are not yet stressed about paying bills, keeping a tally is an educational activity that can help them recognize that Hashem is providing them with a specific amount of money and that they need to take care of it over the course of the year.
Wise Spending
There is another value that we can promote as well. As Jews, we are not in the business of indulging all physical desires. We believe in tznius (modesty) and allowing our spiritual side to overpower our physical desires. As parents and educators, we can promote or undermine this message. One way to empower our children to listen to their spiritual side is to emphasize the difference between a need and a want. We can let our children know that, aside from birthday presents and the like, we will provide for their needs. But they can contribute to their wants. If a child needs two pairs of pants, they can use their own money to pay for the third.
Needs and wants change by child, community, and year, so there is no one-size–fits-all solution. Twenty years ago, a dishwasher was a want. For me, nowadays, it is a need. I once asked a Rav how I could teach my children to be less materialistic in a society where everything is so easily available. After all, I am not Rebbetzin Kanievsky, who could live in the blistering Bnei Brak heat without air conditioning and raise a family in a two-room apartment. The Rav responded that I should not introduce my children to new luxuries unnecessarily. The example he gave was very practical. If my children were happy with one kind of potato chips in their lunch, don’t go out and buy them a second or third just for variety. There should be no deprivation, no lack in my home, just a focus on keeping consumption off our top list of priorities.
Schools play a part in this message as well. I was chatting with an eleventh-grader in a distant community about communal issues. (How we met and started shmoozing is a whole separate article.) She was very concerned about the tuition crisis in her community as a good friend of hers was attending public school because her parents could not afford tuition. This thoughtful girl commented how guilty she felt when her high school put out its lavish monthly Rosh Chodesh spread as she knew that the cost of that food contributed to the high tuition. Schools and camps need to spend money to function, and special treats are part of chinuch. However, schools, camps, and communal institutions should be conscious that they are doing what is necessary and not raising the bar by incorporating more luxuries that will soon become necessities at every simcha and community event.
Shopping Opportunities
Shopping with teenagers is probably the most expensive – and dreaded – activity for many parents. How many times have we rolled our eyes when our teens want to do nothing but shop. But if we think about it, shopping efficiently is one of the most important skills teenagers need to prepare for adulthood. While paying for this time is challenging, there is actually an important use to this interest at this time of life.
We no longer weave our own cloth or churn our own butter. Shopping is how we provide for ourselves and our homes. As an adult, I spend many hours a week shopping, whether for clothes, food, or household goods. I need to stick to a budget, comparison shop, and know when to buy what in which season. Our children and teens need to be involved in shopping, much as we teach them how to cook or study for tests.
When teaching a life skill, or any skill, we need lots of time, practice, and patience. We also have to make visible and explicit to our children what we take for granted. I need to explain why I am choosing to look for dresses at Old Navy and pants on Amazon. I need to explain when I shop locally and when I travel to Lakewood. When do I buy brand names at the grocery store, and when do I look for the cheapest product? Why do I look over my receipt? These things may be natural to us; they may be things we do on autopilot. But when we examine our shopping habits and explain them, we realize that much of our personal family values can be encapsulated in how, when, and why we shop. We are preparing our children to share our values and to be prepared to take care of their family with a realistic idea of what life costs.
Life Habits
Money is a topic that brings a lot of anxiety in many people. I am only two generations away from the Holocaust and the Great Depression, and so my perspective on finances can take on a life-and-death feel. Moreover, in previous generations, our community has frequently seen our wealth vanish in pogroms or, simply, changing political realities. In our generation, too, we are seeing our wealth vanish: this time, baruch Hashem, for the mitzvos of chinuch, which, while a tremendous zechus (privilege), is still challenging to deal with. Our financial existence has always been miraculous, which makes it overwhelming to craft a chinuch message of how to view the money and stuff in our lives.
Teaching our children to have a healthy and spiritual perspective on money and things is one of the most important educational gifts we can give them. We must teach them that money is a gift to be used to help others, that our income is determined by Hashem, that we must be guardians of what Hashem gives us, and that our involvement in mundane activities can be highly spiritual if we approach them with the right mindset.
And if we teach our children these important lessons, perhaps we too will benefit by living a more examined and spiritually enriched life.
Shira Hochheimer has been a Jewish educator of all ages, from elementary to adults, for close to 20 years. Before moving to Baltimore, she was a rebbetzin in Rochester, NY, and is the author of Eishes Chayil: Ancient Wisdom for Women of Today, published by Mosaica Press.
