“How can I forgive him after all he did to me?”
“I just don’t see how I can ever move on from the pain.”
“When is this person ever going
to leave my life?”
There are people who walk around in their day-to-day lives carrying
resentment towards people who have wronged them in the past. They desire to
detach themselves from the pain, but it is difficult. They look to Hashem and ask,
“Why did you give me this person in my life?” Although we say, “time heals
wounds,” some people ask, “How much time do I need until I finally can forgive this
person?”
* * *
Forgiving is not easy; in fact, it can take a tremendous amount of
strength – and certainly time – to forgive someone who has injured our
emotional core. But forgiving is a learned art that can relieve us of a
tremendous amount of emotional anguish. Most people do not enjoy carrying with
them pain from the past. They prefer letting go and moving on with life. The
question is, how?
Here are some ways that can help one come to forgive, even in the most
hurtful situations:
1)
Acknowledgment: People deal with their emotions
in different ways: Some tend to suppress their emotions (“It’s okay, it’s not a
big deal, what he did isn’t really that hurtful”); some numb their emotions
(unplugging themselves to feel nothing); some exhibit the emotions in
aggressive ways (battling it out with people); and some exhibit the emotions in
passive ways (coming late, not returning messages).
The only way a painful emotion has a chance to be dealt with
appropriately is if we fully acknowledge its presence and learn how to be
comfortable living with it: “This anger is very hard for me to deal with,” or
“I am having a really hard time with this person, and I feel so upset about it.”
When we accomplish this step, the pain may remain, but the anguish withers
away.
2)
Trust in Hashem: Every person we encounter in our
life is tailor-made by Hashem ultimately for our good. We tend to focus on the
messenger more than the message, saying, “Why do I need such a person in my
life? I really would be much better off without him or her.” Yet, Hashem
sends us people to test us and to help us fulfill a tikun. At times, this difficult person does leave our lives, and
then another person enters only to be just as difficult as the first person. If
we shift our perspective and come to terms with the message and not focus on the messenger, it gives us more strength
to forgive and not hold on to the pain.
3) A positive
commandment: There is a positive commandment
from the Torah to emulate Hashem’s ways – vehalachta
bedrachav. We know that one of Hashem’s way is to be merciful, so to we must
be merciful, despite the challenge: “Ma
Hu rachum, af atah rachum.”
4)
Establishing a healthy goal: The goal of forgiving is not
necessarily to renew the friendship with the person who wronged you. All
relationships require cooperation from both parties. It’s possible that the one
you are seeking to forgive is not interested in being friends anymore; he might
not even be alive. Nevertheless, you’d like to forgive him because you want to
live a healthy life again. Such a goal empowers you to live the life you want
to live and not simply react to the actions of others.
5) Acquiring
a healthy perspective: Our worth is not measured by how
people treat us. We need to be very careful to dissociate people’s behaviors from
our worth. We are not any less just because people do not know how to love and
respect us. My value as a person isn’t determined by how well or poorly I am
treated. It is determined by how I treat and view myself. The way people treat
us is 100 percent a reflection on their lives and how they feel about
themselves. If we allow people to rob us of our self-worth because they don’t
know how to love and respect us, we are putting our emotional health in their
hands. The proper perspective is not to say, “I will do my part if he does
his.” Rather, we need to do our job despite the trials and to rise above our
nature. Everyone has a painful past; it’s part of the life Hashem brings to us.
The trick is not to avoid pain, because pain is inevitable. The trick is to
confront the pain and not allow it to ruin our lives.
The quality of our lives and the quality of our choices are
intertwined. If we choose to act responsibly and take on the proper
perspective, then we can open the door that leads to a normal life. Our job is
to be responsible and rise above our nature. Letting pain control our lives
leads to a disempowered life. Taking control of our emotions can liberate us
from feeling like we live in a prison. The choice is in our hands, it just
takes patience and time.
Efraim Eshaghian is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist licensed
in Maryland and Washington D.C. He has a private practice specializing in
relationships. Please call him with any questions or comments at 818-935-8378
or email him at efraimeshaghian@gmail.com.
