The famous Biblical commentator, Rabbi Avraham ibn Ezra, once heard of a very special manuscript which described in detail the proper melody for reading biblical text. He was so excited that he traveled to the neighboring province in an effort to study it, despite the fact that a war was raging in the area. During his travels, he was apprehended by one of the factions and was accused of being a spy.
The
kindly rabbi insisted that he was a scholar on his way to study a manuscript.
But the guards did not believe him. Finally, he asked who had the power to
release him. They told him that only their captain could release him, so he
asked to speak with the captain.
When
the captain visited the rabbi, they chatted a bit. Then the captain said, “I do
not believe that you are a spy. But I heard you tell the guards that you were
traveling to study the tunes of scripture. I simply can’t believe that story. I
cannot believe that a person would travel through a war zone to find out about
some tunes; it is just so insignificant.”
The
rabbi raised his voice authoritatively and screamed in a rebuking tone: “Can you help me!?”
Shocked
and insulted by the tone of the rabbi, the captain stalked off.
The
next day, the captain thought about the prisoner and reconsidered. He realized
that the prisoner must be really desperate to use such a tone. The captain knew
in his heart that the rabbi was not a spy, so he decided to give him another
chance.
He
returned to the prison cell, and as he entered the rabbi addressed him with
great respect, asking, “Can you help me?”
The
captain was ready to respond, “Yes, I am totally willing to help you, but why
did you speak to me last time in such an objectionable tone?” But before he
could respond he saw the rabbi’s gentle smile and appreciated the message.
Indeed, the rabbi uttered the same exact words yesterday and today, but the
tone and intonation totally changed the meaning of the message. It suddenly
made sense that the rabbi would be quite motivated to find out in what tune and
intonation a biblical passage was meant to be read.
* * *
In
all relationships, and marriage in particular, the tone of our speech will
impact how our communications are received. Are we angry, upset, disappointed,
carefree, happy, or loving? Much more significant than what we say is how we
say it. It is possible to express thanks in a grudging tone. It is likewise
possible to express disappointment in an endearing way. Our tone indicates our
attitude. Our attitude will impact the direction the relationship will go.
Dr.
John Gottman writes that he is able to predict the longevity of a marriage with
high accuracy by simply observing 15 minutes of conversation between husband
and wife. He is able to tell from their tone of interaction if there is
affection and endearment or if there is resentment, sarcasm, and contempt.
When
I first read about Dr. Gottman’s predictions, I was impressed by his work.
Through his Love Lab studies, he had observed thousands of couples interacting.
He was able to detect and predict. I was impressed. But I wondered why he felt
it took him 15 minutes to reach his prediction. Wouldn’t sarcasm be detectable
even sooner?
As
I studied Dr. Gottman’s methodology more deeply, I realized that there was
another part to his approach. That is, after an off-putting comment, if one
spouse made a repair attempt, would the other spouse accept? In other words,
there could be sharp words exchanged in any marriage. The critical factor is
what happens after those words. Is there an attempt to repair the relationship?
And is that repair attempt accepted?
Repair
attempts can be straightforward apologies using the words, “I’m sorry.” More
often, the sharp comment might just be followed by a softer comment. If the
spouse accepts the tone-down, then the marriage can be back on track. But if
the spouse declines the repair attempt, then the conversation can well escalate
into defensiveness and attacks. It is at that point that Dr. Gottman feels his
prediction is quite accurate.
* * *
It
is well known that most of our spoken communication has less to do with what is
said and much more to do with how it is said. The tone we use, the body
language we display, and the ambiance we create all set the stage for how our
communication will be understood. Just as a scholar of texts will be motivated
to find out with what melody a passage was meant to be read, so will our spouse
be waiting to understand not only our communication but also our intonation.
I
invite you to experiment in your mind’s ear with the various ways that the
following statements and questions could be made. Go slowly because each could
have as many as four or five different “melodies”:
·
Did you take out the
garbage?
·
Are there any carrots left
in the fridge?
·
It seems like there is a
lot of laundry.
·
How often do you think
couples should have a date night?
·
When does the mortgage need
to be paid?
·
I heard your mother is
coming for Shabbos.
Certainly,
in marriage, we must learn the art of diplomacy. We strive to share our
thoughts and feelings in a filtered and respectful way. But in addition to any
initial comments, which may or may not be taken the right way, there are repair
attempts that abound in a healthy marriage. These are efforts to make it clear
that, even in critical moments, our loyalty to the relationship is reliable and
constant. In fact, in a healthy marriage, even differences of opinion can be
processed in a way that gives consideration to building a healthy relationship
together.
Marriage
communication is like a musical performance. It has highs and lows, and
simultaneous tunes competing with each other, enhancing one another. The music
has refrains, and many a chorus – issues that repeat themselves again and
again. And then there are special moments, when two differing expressions of a
melody fuse together to create an even greater experience – harmony. What is
critical is not only how we play our notes but also how we respond. When we
respond well, we create the duo harmony that marriage is meant to be.
Rabbi Mordechai Rhine is a Coach
and Mediator based in Maryland. He has served as a community Rav and lecturer
for over two decades. He can be reached through his websites, www.care-mediation.com and
www.teach613.org, or by email at RMRhine@gmail.com.
