Having just
begun the Torah again, it is noteworthy that immediately after man’s creation
the critical commandment that Hashem gives to Adam and Chava is stated in the
negative: “You must not eat from the
tree of knowledge.” Later, in Shemos
(Exodus), seven of the Ten Commandments are stated in the negative. Of the 613
mitzvos, 365 (the majority) are thou-shall-nots. When the famous sage Hillel
states what is commonly known as the Golden Rule, he speaks in the negative: “That
which is hateful to you, you should not do to your fellow man.” Throughout the
Talmud, the sages often put ethical maxims in the negative. For example: In
Pirkei Avos 2:5: “Do not separate yourself from the community,” “Do not
judge your neighbor until you are in his place,” “Do not say when I am free I
will study for you may never be free.”
When I was growing up, my parents
and teachers often said, “No, don’t do that!” That usually occurred when I was
about to attempt something foolish, risky, or outright dangerous. When I was in
the midst of doing something that was unacceptable or disrespectful, I would
hear, “Don’t you dare….” I never chose to find out what was on the flip side of
“dare.”
Sometime during the ’70s, psychologists,
psychiatrists, pediatricians, and teachers told us that it was terrible for the
healthy growth and development of children to make negative statements.
Everything needed to be couched in positive language. In the decades that
followed, I’ve noticed that parenting has generally become more undefined and
mushy, and as a result, kids have become less secure and less respectful. What
used to be short and decisive exchanges between parents and children have
morphed into long-winded explanations. Saying a simple (but absolute) no has
become a difficult chore for many parents.
Before taking up my rabbanus (rabbinate) in South Africa, we
lived in Sydney, Australia for five years. Sydney is an interesting place.
Right in the midst of the city is a world renowned beach called Bondi. What is
also interesting is that the frum and
chasidic community is centered in Bondi. The mixture of bathing apparel and kapotas was – shall we say – unusual.
Many of the kosher shops and eateries were within a few hundred yards of the
beach. Back in the ’80s, there was a kosher market called Krinsky’s located on
Hall Street near the beach. Then, as now, my hard working (full-time employed)
wife Arleeta, would give me a list of Shabbos items to shop for on Thursdays.
One Thursday in the middle of summer (January in the Southern Hemisphere), I
walked into Krinsky’s clutching my official list. As you entered the store, you
immediately encountered an entire wall of chocolates and candies. I need to add
that, Krinsky’s, like many of our kosher markets in the U.S.A., stocked kosher
chocolates that were not chalav Yisrael. There were kosher Nestle
products next to chalav Yisrael Paskesz and Schmerling’s.
Just ahead of me, two mothers
entered the store, each with a little boy in tow. Both boys looked to be about
three years old. The frum boy
appeared to have recently had his upsherin
(first haircut). He was wearing his new oversized tzitzys, which were dragging behind him on the floor. The other lad
was simply wearing his bathing suit. Both moms appeared to be on a focused
mission to purchase what they needed as fast as possible and leave. (Something
which men never seem to be able to do.)
What happened next was quite
interesting. Upon entering Krinsky’s, both boys – almost on cue – immediately ran
to the chocolate wall. (No, that’s not the interesting part.) They each grabbed
a chocolate bar. They each ran to their mothers and said, “Mummy (Mummy in
Australia is Mommy), can I have this?” The chasidishe
Mum, eyeing the Nestle, said “No Yitzy, that’s not kosher.” Yitzy immediately
returned the Nestle Crunch to the shelf. The beach boy held up the exact same Nestle
chocolate bar and said exactly the same thing to his Mum. She replied, “No, you
can’t have that.” Immediately, the beach boy had a meltdown. He demanded his
right to have the chocolate. Then, after proving his tantrum prowess, the
negotiations between mum and beach boy began. I knew for sure that the mum
would lose as soon as she said, “Bobby, if you behave nicely while Mummy shops,
I’ll get you a……” Once mum opened up the negotiations, a bidding war was sure
to ensue. (Note: all parents who engage in bidding wars with tantruming three-year-olds
are destined to lose.)
In the meantime, the tzitzys dragger had returned four times
to the chocolate wall, and each time, his mum replied, “I’m sorry Yitzy, that’s
not kosher.” On each occasion, Yitzy calmly returned the non-chalav Yisrael item to the shelf. By this time, Yitzy’s mum had completed 60
percent of her shopping. (Krinsky’s had five aisles, and she was moving from
aisle three into aisle four.) On the other hand, the situation with Bobby’s mum
looked bleak. She was stuck in aisle two with a tantruming negotiator who kept
increasing the volume with his chocolate demands. Finally exasperated, Bobby’s
mum surrendered, abandoned her trolly (cart in Australia), and left the store
with young Bobby punching and kicking her.
Now for the interesting part you’ve
been waiting for. A Lubavitcher chasid
entered the store. Yitzy followed him as he made his way to the chocolate wall.
Yitzy saw the Lubavitcher pick up a large Schmerling’s chocolate almond bar! I
could hear Yitzy saying the Yiddish equivalent of “Eureka”! Yitzy then grabbed
the same exact chocolate and ran to his mummy, who had almost made it to aisle
five. He proudly held up the Schmerling’s and announced, “Mummy, this is kosher
can I have it?” Yitzy’s mum said, “You’re correct Yitzy, it is kosher – but you
can’t have it.” Instantly Yitzy did a perfect imitation of Bobby. It was
starting to look grim, especially when Yitzy’s mum said “If you behave
nicely…..” that’s when I knew that Yitzy’s mum was going to cave! Sure enough,
Yitzy got the the Schmerling’s and mum finished shopping. But, make no mistake:
Mum paid a very high price for that Schmerling’s!
On that very warm and muggy day in
1988, I had an epiphany. I thought to myself, Yitzy is three. He has no grasp
of levels of kashrus or an
understanding of chalav Yisrael. Nevertheless, when his mum said,
“That’s not kosher,” he was totally cool and accepting. But when she simply
said “no,” he had a tantrum! Why?
The answer came into focus. From the
time Yitzy entered this world, there were certain halachic absolutes that were
simply not negotiable. Strict kashrus was one. Yitzy’s mum never said, “Yitzy,
if you behave nicely, I’ll let you eat a Nestle bar later.”
Think about it. A frum three-year-old accepts that you
can’t play with certain toys on Shabbos, that you can’t tear toilet paper, and
that various things are muktza. He
accepts without question because his parents are resolute in their commitment
to mitzva observance. Certain things just are! Therefore, little kids simply do
them. No negotiations. On the other hand, somewhere, Yitzy learned (from his
parents) that “no” is negotiable. As a result, Yitzy never negotiated kosher
but learned that he could negotiate no – which he succeeded in doing in Krinsky’s
market.
You’re probably wondering if I did
any shopping that day. I did, but I realized that the real reason I was there
was to better understand child psychology.
I’m a big fan of supporting and
building positive self-esteem in children. I use positive language whenever
possible. I think it is important. Nevertheless, sometimes it is necessary to
say (with authority) to a misbehaving child “No, stop that now!”
The ability to say no is a test of
human character. Often parents know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable,
but they lack the strength and willpower to stand up to a demanding child and
say no with confidence and authority. Those parents have to deal with raising
oppositional and defiant children as a result.
Important point: Our goal as parents
is to give our children the confidence to make good decisions. We want them to
develop self-reliance. An example of how this is done comes from Shemos 24:7, when G-d’s children
proclaim, “Naaseh venishma – We will
do and we will listen.” Various mefarshim
(commentators) explain that the positive mitzvos (“we will do”) are rooted in
love, while the negative mitzvos (“we will listen”) are rooted in awe and
reverence. The balance is essential. Our children should always feel loved, but
they also need to show reverence for their parents. That’s the way we, Hashem’s
children, are supposed to relate to Him.
Hashem told Adam and Chava, “Do not…”
because it was a clear instruction. When they disobeyed that instruction, they
were quickly punished. It is tragic that they failed to obey. Nevertheless, it
is a powerful eternal lesson that seemingly small actions can have huge
consequences. When we examine (in Parshas
Yisro in Shemos) the commandments
which are clearly and simply stated as “You shall not…” I think that we can all
agree that the impact of the “shall not” makes the importance of those
commandments abundantly clear.
Not every mitzva is stated in the
negative. In fact 248 of them are presented in the positive. Hashem loves and
wants the best for His children. Nevertheless, sometimes those children need to
hear no (i.e., “Thou shall not!”).
There are times when it is good for a child to hear a decisive, definitive no!
Children thrive when mom and dad are self-assured and in charge.
Finally, in my parenting workshops,
I used to give the daddies a keychain with a pendant that stated, “BECAUSE I’M
THE DADDY.” For the mommies, it said “BECAUSE I’M THE MOMMY.” Yes, it is okay
to end a potential negotiation with a three-year-old using those wonderful four
words!
