People often ask me if I think that too much money is spent on shalach manos (as if I am the expert). My answer is no, I think it is money well spent. While a standard shalach manos does not have to be expensive – indeed, many people simply give mitzva cards – sometimes one owes a debt of gratitude to someone special, and Purim is a great time to express it.
You see, I normally write about saving money. I am writing this article to clarify a point to those folks who take my advice one step too far. Do you have to express gratitude with an expensive gift? Sometimes the answer is yes. This is, in my opinion, one of the situations in life that is analogous to tipping in a restaurant, a custom that is virtually obligatory.
The Torah stresses the importance of hakaras hatov, showing gratitude. Gratitude is a very important midda, but one that is easily overlooked since it is not fixed like other Torah obligations are. This article, therefore, is about spending money to express gratitude.
Disclaimer number one: I feel inadequate giving mussar on this topic, so I am writing this article to clarify certain things to myself, and you can listen in if you wish.
Disclaimer number two: Some people might think I am criticizing others. That is not my motivation. Rather, I am acting as the solicitous friend, someone who learned this through the course of life and is offering his experience to those who were never taught the “rules.”
Disclaimer number three: This article is about giving gifts according to what one can afford. For those who are financially unable, written expressions of thanks and homemade gifts requiring effort and creativity are open to everyone and make a big impression.
Grape Juice or Wine?
First a story from Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski: He was treating a priest in Pittsburgh who had an alcohol problem. The priest was distraught because he would never again be able to perform the holy sacrament (their version of making kiddush, I suppose), since he was not allowed to drink wine. Dr. Twerski discussed this issue with the cardinal, telling him that in our religion we say that grape juice is wine. The cardinal said that he would be meeting the pope soon in Rome and he would ask the pope this shaila. When the cardinal returned, he told Dr. Twerski that the pope said that if the Jews say that grape juice is wine, then grape juice is wine and the priest can perform the rite that way!
Okay, folks, the moral of the story is that the pope can say that grape juice is wine, and Dr. Twerski can say that grape juice is wine, and the Jews can say that grape juice is wine. But remember: When you are giving a gift, grape juice is not wine! If you think people do not know the difference, you are being naive.
People’s Feelings
About 25 years ago I came across the famous book How To Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. This book is sometimes misunderstood, as people erroneously think it is about manipulating people to get what you want. That is not what I got out if it. The book taught me that, just as people need food, water, and air, they have emotional needs, as well.
Some time back, I read the book Life at the 13th Floor, an inside look at management at General Motors. It was written by a man who rose to the top echelons of GM but who quit his job. He complained that at GM no one knew how to say thank you! “They think that paying me $1.3 million (a lot of money in 1973!) is their way of saying thank you.” Imagine that! One of the heads of GM who was making a fortune quit his job because no one said thank you. I often wonder how much happier people would be on their jobs if the boss simply said, “I appreciate what you do for me.”
So remember, saying thanks is important, and the gift is also important. If a $50 gift is appropriate – when an employee has a baby, for example – don’t think that a chocolate bar will do. In fact, a chocolate bar is worse than nothing. It is an insult. When one has been the recipient of a favor, or loyal service, it is vital to express one’s gratitude. The gift you give is your expression of gratitude. Fail to give appropriately and you might be communicating that you do not really appreciate it.
Whose Mitzva?
Sometimes people define a mitzva as something others give and they receive. It’s a one-way street. I know that the teacher is doing his job, which also happens to be a big mitzva. But the parents are fooling themselves if they think that it is only the “thought that counts” here. Ironically, that really is true: Give a cheap gift, and you are expressing your thoughts. (I wonder what a rebbe thinks when a student who owns an iPod shows up with a bottle of grape juice for shalach manos.)
Without getting into the issue of what a rebbe should earn, the present reality is that your child’s rebbe (and morah!) is underpaid. Giving a proper gift is a nice addition to their “bottom line.” In addition, it has a profound effect on their morale. Imagine how that teacher feels when the giver is generous – and also expresses those feelings in a sincere letter?
Think About It
Your gift is clearly conveying how you feel. If someone has gone the extra mile for you, realize that you need to say a proper thank you. So think carefully before you send out that shalach manos package to the individuals on your hakaras hatov (appreciation) list. What message do you want to express to the person who helped you find a job? If you were a houseguest, did your appreciation come across? Have you adequately expressed your feelings? Would a teacher perhaps prefer cash or a gift certificate instead of tons of food?
I am fully in tune with the tight finances that most families deal with. This article is addressing gift giving within one’s financial means. Here’s hoping we will all have a freilichen Purim, one that increases the ahavas Yisrael among us.
