In 2005, The Shidduch Center of Baltimore, then known as Kol Simcha, was established as one of the first and earliest pioneering shidduch initiatives worldwide. B’chasdei Hashem, since that time, it continues to be a leader in the field as communities across the globe regularly reach out, seeking guidance on how best to cultivate and institute shidduch initiatives of their own. Furthermore, in doing so, we have been able to network with shidduch initiatives across North America for the collective and mutual benefit of all our communities. Over this span of time, encapsulating the better part of 20 years, The Shidduch Center has constantly questioned itself, reevaluated itself, and reconstituted itself, as we seek at all times to remain ahead of the curve in an ever-changing shidduch landscape. Thanks to tremendous siyata d’Shmaya, since our last restructure in late 2015, we have set up over 1,600 different couples from our community on dates, resulting in 156 completed shidduchim.

From having one shadchan in our employ, we presently have nine on-staff shadchanim spread across Baltimore, Silver Spring, Passaic, and New York. Accordingly, b’ezH, we have grown from setting up fewer than 100 different couples each year to now being on pace to set up 300 different couples by the close of this year. And it is our hope and goal to continue setting up increasingly more couples on dates each year, as there is a direct correlation between couples set up on dates and couples that walk down the aisle. Additionally, in March of this year, The Shidduch Center inaugurated a special program for single women over the age of 25. In essence, on behalf of our talented and outstanding single women, we have offered a very special, inviting, achievable, and ongoing compensation package to a team of shadchanim in the New Jersey and New York areas, all of whom are long-standing experts in the field and have a strong track record of success for this specific demographic. Baruch Hashem, we have seen magnificent results from this program since its inception, month in and month out, and it is our aim to push this initiative towards even greater heights moving forward.  

We have also grown from holding a few Meet the Shadchan events per year to holding numerous such events, and for many different age ranges. In total, we are connecting hundreds of single women with dozens of shadchanim each year. From bringing a handful of shadchanim to Ner Yisroel in order to meet bachurim, we are now bringing over 20 shadchanim, twice a year, to Ner Yisroel, and have supplemented that effort by bringing our team members to many different types of yeshivos in the Lakewood and New York areas throughout the course of the year. As such, corresponding to our Meet the Shadchan events, we are ensuring that our shadchanim are also meeting hundreds of eligible bachurim each year.

In the realm of education, The Shidduch Center hosts an annual event in conjunction with Bais Yaakov and Bnos Yisroel for single women at the early stages of shidduchim, introducing them to The Shidduch Center and what we have to offer, while conveying critical best practices and hashkafic lessons vis-à-vis shidduchim. And, again, in an effort to maintain consistency, over Pesach bein hazmanim, we invite bachurim who are getting started in shidduchim to a special shiur with Harav Shraga Neuberger, shlit’a, to present them with a Torahdike and highly practical approach to dating. The Shidduch Center also continues to offer a broad range of classes and shiurim featuring top-caliber speakers from Baltimore and abroad to address the needs and experiences of daters of all ages as well as those of their parents and family members, and to keep the community at large informed and empowered, so that we all may play our roles responsibly and efficiently.

On a more personal and individual level, our Executive Director, Rabbi Shlomo Goldberger, MSW, meets and speaks with hundreds of single men and women, parents of daters, and community members each year. These meetings encompass a wide range of dating-related matters. Whether it is helping those in the parsha identify and connect with the shadchanim most appropriate for their goals and outlooks; answering all manner of questions and concerns relevant to dating; helping them navigate challenging or delicate situations; providing guidance and chizuk when the road gets rough; referring them to quality dating coaches and mentors to assist them in successfully and confidently approaching shidduchim; or connecting them with rabbanim and other professionals when the need arises, he is there to lend succor and direction however he is able.

The Shidduch Center also functions as a full-scale resource center, offering a Dating Game G’mach; lending out a collection of books on shidduchim and relationships; compiling an exhaustive list of places to date in the Baltimore/D.C. area; and, perhaps most famously, launching The Dating Place during Covid so that shidduchim could continue seamlessly during a global pandemic. We are also in the process of revamping our comprehensive website – which is replete with videos and recordings of classes, articles on shidduchim, lists of shadchanim, and more – in order to present this wealth of information in a smoother and more accessible package.

All told, as the panorama of shidduchim relentlessly and persistently evolves, and, congruently, as the needs of those in shidduchim regularly and inevitably expand, so, too, The Shidduch Center of Baltimore evolves and expands in the hopes of providing critical and up-to-date (J) services to our community – always in the most caring, sensitive, and understanding way possible. Whether it is a matter of utilizing creative, meaningful, effective, and proven methods of compensation for shadchanim so that they can maximize their efforts and significantly increase their output level for our community members; aiding those who traverse the journey of shidduchim in meeting their needs with clarity and competence; or striving to provide any and all shidduch-related services and resources, The Shidduch Center of Baltimore remains standing tall, b”ezH, at the forefront of the shidduch initiative universe.

Of course, many people wonder, or even ask, how they can step up to the plate for the sake of our single men and women. As Rabbi Bender, shlit’a, makes quite clear in his now-famous article in Mishpacha magazine [see sidebar], suitably and extensively meeting the needs of those in shidduchim on a klal level requires significant time, effort, energy, and, above all, robust financial capacity. Understandably, not everyone is in a position to offer notable compensation to every shadchan they reach out to for personal assistance, let alone to wholly underwrite full salaries for a wide-ranging collective of shadchanim. Fortunately, that is not necessary. Each person, k’virchas yado asher nossan lo Hashem, can support our local shidduch initiative, The Shidduch Center of Baltimore, so that everyone can be an equal partner in our charge, in our evolvement, and in our expansion, seeing our numbers consistently climbing higher, and witnessing together the building of many, many more beautiful batim ne’emanim b’Yisroel, b”ezH. In a day and age where each of our personal and professional lives demands more time and attention than seems humanly possible, the most impactful action the vast majority of people can undertake for those in shidduchim is to steadfastly ensure the continuity, development, and advancement of our work.

Wishing bracha v’hatzlacha to all those who seek their bashert, and with profound tefilos that our magnificent community share in one another’s simchos in ever-increasing quantity and quality.

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A Working Model for Paid Shadchanim

by Rabbi Moshe Bender 

Several years ago, when my oldest children started shidduchim, I noticed right away that shadchanim are quite hard to reach. I’d leave a message; they wouldn’t call back. I’d try again. And again.

It wasn’t that they were ignoring me. When I went to meet them in person, the reason was evident – their phones are ringing off the hook. People call shadchanim nonstop, and these dedicated people can barely catch their breath trying to keep up with the calls.

The recent article about shadchanim (“Playing with Matches,” Mishpacha Magazine, issue #931) brought to light one important but often-overlooked aspect of their job: Our shadchanim are working around the clock, and most of it is pro bono. Think for a moment about how many hours of effort are invested before a couple even goes out. The shadchan meets the boy or girl, speaks to the parents, combs through a database, makes calls back and forth…and then, if it doesn’t work out – which, statistically speaking, it usually doesn’t – all they get for their efforts is a thank you.

Yes, our shadchanim are doing this because they’re driven to help Klal Yisrael. But how long can anyone keep up such a demanding schedule for almost no monetary compensation before they burn out? Furthermore, the way our system is set up now, with shadchanim getting paid only when a shidduch is successful, it’s in a shadchan’s best interest to work harder for wealthy girls.

Shadchanim are public servants working on behalf of the klal, no different from someone who works for a yeshivah, Hatzalah, or Bonei Olam. We all understand that these people deserve salaries. (Imagine predicating payment to employees of a fertility organization on whether or not a baby is born!) Why should shadchanim be any different?

About a year ago, I decided to start an initiative to provide salaries for shadchanim. My oldest child had recently gotten married; I felt such hakaras hatov to Hakadosh Baruch Hu that I wanted to do something to help those who were struggling to even get a date. I realized that if we want to provide an incentive for our best shadchanim to keep working their hardest, we need to do something about paying them on a more consistent basis.

I joined forces with Kesher, a Lakewood-based organization that promotes shidduchim by bringing shadchanim together for regular information sharing and brainstorming meetings. They were already paying these shadchanim a stipend. I approached them and said, “I’m going to up this. Let’s make this into a more respectable salary.”

My idea was to bring together some of our best shadchanim and pay them a salary to put in their best efforts doing what they’re good at: making shidduchim in Klal Yisrael. Volunteers are nice up to a point, but if you want hardworking people to truly devote themselves to a cause, you need to compensate them. That, together with shadchanus, can earn them a respectable parnassah.

We don’t dictate quotas or apply pressure; we trust them to do what they do best and support them in that. I fundraise all the money to pay their salaries and overhead costs for office space and administration.

Today, we have 18 shadchanim on our payroll – ten women and eight men – who have regular office hours four days a week. They meet with girls, discuss ideas with each other, and redt shidduchim. While it’s based in Lakewood, the girls come from all over. As they meet with several shadchanim at a time, their chances of being set up are multiplied. Our male shadchanim are connected with the bachurim in Lakewood and present the boys’ names at regular group meetings.

The feedback from both the shadchanim and the parents has been overwhelming. In the last eight months, they’ve made 130 successful shidduchim, and have redt thousands.

The formula is simple: When you empower shadchanim, you empower shidduchim to happen.

The initiative has been such a success that we’re already starting a program in Far Rockaway, and I hope in the future to open a branch in Monsey. Of course, my dream is for this to spread to communities around the world. I believe that this is a model that can work in every neighborhood in the world, as long as you have people willing to put in the work and raise the funds.

There are other communal initiatives to improve compensation for shadchanim; all are great ideas that, if executed well, could be quite effective.

We as a community have a very high stake in improving our shidduch system by upgrading our hishtadlus (efforts). One obvious way to do that is by giving our shadchanim – the frontline workers in shidduchim – the financial peace of mind they need to do their jobs properly.

Rabbi Moshe Bender is the Segan Rosh Hayeshivah of Yeshiva Darchei Torah in Far Rockaway, New York, and the founder of Bnos Basya High School in Lakewood. He is actively involved in the Kesher shidduchim organization.

Reprinted with permission of Mishpacha Magazine (www.mishpacha.com). © Mishpacha Magazine, Inc. All rights reserved.