To the Shadchan:
Recently, we got a yes from a boy, so we started looking into it. Three days later, we told the shadchan that we were interested but were told that the boy was busy at the moment. That was frustrating, but we moved on. A couple weeks later we got another yes. This time, we did our research in two days, because we didn’t want a repeat of last time. We said yes and were then told by the shadchan that the boy was very busy at work but will be in touch. Two weeks later, I hadn’t heard anything, so I reached out to the shadchan again. We were told that he was very interested but was still busy with work. Also, he is from New York, so there was not so much travel involved, and I was willing to meet halfway. It has now been almost four weeks, and we haven’t heard anything from him. We are very frustrated. Any advice?
The Shadchan Answers:
I read your unusual question with interest, and I will respond first about boy number two.
You don’t mention the young man’s age. Has he just begun working and is trying to establish himself? Is he an accountant who was extremely busy at that time of the year? Is he could a workaholic? If he is working out of necessity or to reach a specific goal, perhaps he doesn’t want to get involved until he feels more established and secure.
Another possible reason for the delay is that he is involved with someone else and is putting you off until he knows if that shidduch will work out. If this is indeed the case, the shadchan should have been more honest with you. What else does she know that you haven’t been told? Is this man what I call a “career dater,” someone who goes out and can never commit?
Whatever the reason for what happened, I would move on from this shidduch. This young man will pursue it if he is interested once he becomes available.
Regarding taking too long to get information, I always tell people, especially older singles, that if, after one day of inquiry, you see nothing horrific in his background, you should take a chance and meet. Go out with him and see if it is shayach (relevant) at all. If it isn’t, you do not have to go further in your investigation. If it is, you can continue going with him while you accumulate more specific information.
A girl once called my husband with a dilemma. She found out something about the boy that upset her very much. She asked if she should she continue checking him out or go out with him anyway. My husband asked when the date was and was told it was that evening. He told her that she could not call it off this late in the game. She called my husband back the next day and thanked him, saying that their personalities made it completely not shayach. “Baruch Hashem,” she said, “I do not have to indulge in lashon hara and rechilus because it was not for me anyway.”
I am sure there are those reading this who do not agree with this approach. Some people feel there should be complete FBI investigations before the first date, even though such research can take forever. If you have read any of my past columns, you know that this is not my view. I strongly feel that the final decisions must be made by the young couple from the very beginning. Before contemplating marriage and starting to date, people must be mature enough to value their own judgment and know what they can and cannot handle in a prospective mate.
Some shadchanim are afraid to give young people that freedom. They must be in control. I am not that type of shadchan. Yes, I admit, mistakes may be made. But I have confidence that mistakes can be minimized if the couple is mature enough. In fact, many of the same mistakes are quite often made even after weeks of investigation. Many girls who are now divorced or had to break their engagement before the chasana come to me for shidduchim disillusioned and upset about some of the terrible situations they have encountered. I ask them why they didn’t check the person out. The answer is that they did but were lied to.
I therefore strongly feel that anyone who is mature enough to get married is mature enough to make decisions about his or her own future. As a shadchan, I can only set people up based on my own observations, which are admittedly superficial. The daters themselves must discern the true essence of the ones they date. And their future lies in the hands of the Ribono Shel Olam, not mine.
Now, I’ll get off my “soap box” and discuss your first situation. The first boy was busy three days later. Did the shadchan know that he was considering another suggestion? If so, she should have been honest with you. Or perhaps the boy did not tell her or changed his mind during those three days but neglected to inform the shadchan.
Why was there so much confusion? You should be able to rely on the shadchan when she gives you a yes from a boy. The shadchan needs to be responsible and follow up on what’s happening. In any event, I would move on and not wait for a call from the shadchan. I do not think you should call her again for at least a month, if you are still interested in either of these shidduchim. If these young men want to follow up and meet you, they will make the effort. By the way, was it the same shadchan both times? If so, I would leave that shadchan and proceed with a different one who will stay on top of the situation.
I hope I have given you some insight into your dilemma and wish you hatzlacha. May Hashem bring the right one to you very soon.
