To the Shadchan:

I am going out with a guy. I like him a lot, and he seems to be interested in me as well. I am 25, and he is 26. He is very smart as well as kind – with lots of other wonderful qualities that I am looking for. On our last date, however, we unexpectedly got into an argument. We were talking about the news, and to my surprise, I found out that his ideas about politics were completely opposite of mine.

I grew up in a pretty conventional, conservative family. It seems that his family is very liberal, and they subscribe to much of what the Democrat party stands for. I think this guy is very sincere and high-minded and truly believes in changing society for the better: more justice and plenty for all. As I said, he is very kind, generous, and loving towards all people. When I asked him, what about Israel? he said that, as Jews living in America, our first concern should be what is happening in America.

I discussed this situation with my father. Although he has strong opinions on politics, my father thinks it doesn’t matter that we don’t have the same views. He says a marriage should not be based on politics, which is empty and foolish and mostly corrupt. I’m a little suspicious that my father is just saying this because he wants me to get married already!

We are planning to go out again, but I’m worried. The guy seems to not be fazed by our differences. I’m not so sure – I mean, I also have strong opinions, and our political views are very different.

What do you think? Does this relationship have a future?

The Shadchan answers:

Wow! We live in strange times when politics becomes a sticking point in shidduchim! Let me try to tackle this one.

First of all, you write that you like him a lot and that he is also interested in you. You mention that he has a lot of wonderful qualities that you are looking for. So why let politics ruin this shidduch? No two people see eye to eye. If you marry each other, challenges and situations will arise about which you will disagree. The key is to differentiate between significant challenges and more typical, trivial disagreements. So is politics significant or trivial? My answer: It depends.

I agree with your father – but not for his reasons. Yes, politics is corrupt, but even if every politician were 100 percent honest, two partners in a marriage will still have various opinions. Thinking people will look at things differently, and a marriage can continue for 120 years with one partner being a staunch liberal and the other a staunch conservative. These disagreements should never become personal and should in no way influence the relationship. And whatever the outcome of any election, it should have no bearing on the marriage. 

That said, there are certain tenets about which a husband and wife must be on the same page. Specifically, for two mitzva-observant people, basic shared Torah values should be the backbone of the marriage. The religiosity, the minhagim, of the home should be the same. For example, you cannot have one partner respecting a particular hechsher and the other one not. Husband and wife must have a united front. This is the way it is done in a frum family. Where children are concerned, this makes the difference between a child who is confident in frumkeit and one who is confused. 

There is one area of politics that might impact the home, however, and that is the partners’ attitudes regarding the latest social mores and issues prevalent in today’s society. In a Jewish home, these should not be supported, regardless of whether a liberal or a conservative espouses them. To me, such attitudes are a red flag that you must explore fully before committing to a long-term relationship with this young man, because they would definitely influence the type of home that you establish. You need to find out if his liberal views encompass these problematic social issues – and how strongly he feels about them. You say you have strong opinions. Does he? Or are his views mostly the result of his surroundings and upbringing?

On the Israel issue, what Jew in America doesn’t worry about what happens in Israel? Has he ever been in Israel? If not, perhaps he doesn’t feel for the country as one who has visited or learned there does. Feelings can change, but this, too, should be explored. You do not write if he is anti-Israel, indifferent, or merely uneducated? Does what is happening in America determine which candidates he supports? From where I am sitting, the question of Eretz Yisrael and its safety is major in my mind, and I believe that no Jewish person should ever support those who denigrate her. I pray that we should never come to a point in American politics where we have to choose between Israel and America.

Hopefully, when you go out again, you will have a clearer approach for discussing the issues addressed here. If you see eye to eye on the important things, then I think you can overcome the more minor political differences.

I wish you much hatzlacha whatever you decide.