To the Shadchan:
Many of the men that people want
to set me up with these days are divorced. In the past, I always said no to
such suggestions, but I understand that I am in a new position now, and I have
gone out with divorced men for the past year or two. I’ve thought about and come
to terms with the common pitfalls of such a relationship.
Recently, someone called me about
a man who is divorced and has several children. At first I was insulted. But my
good friend gave me a hard time. She challenged me, saying that I am making a
big mistake by nixing this whole group of possible mates.
This is a new situation for me,
with new rules and complications. Although I love my nieces and nephews, and I
like children in general, I’m asking myself if I can love someone else’s
children. Will they accept me, and can I deal with it if they don’t? Do the
custody arrangements matter? Will their father put the children’s interests over
mine?
Ideally, I will love my husband
and the children, and they’ll love me, and everything will be great. But, I want to know
what I’m getting into. It would not be fair to me or to this man to go into the
marriage and then decide this is not for me.
I hope you can give me some
guidance.
The Shadchan
answers:
I commend you for realizing early in your life that you
were not ready for marriage. Many of the people who did start their homes and
families young were also not ready for marriage. Not knowing what they wanted
until it was too late, they ended up getting divorced. The men you are dating
now may be among them.
I also commend you for beginning to date divorced men. I agree
with your friend that at your age you should broaden your horizons regarding whom
you are willing to meet. Maybe it is also time to take a different approach in
your dating: Meet the person first and don’t worry so much about details. If,
after the first date, you think it has potential, you can investigate more
closely.
I can only give you general advice as you have left many
unanswered questions. You do not mention how old this man is. What are the
ages of the children? That makes a big difference in the children’s willingness
to accept their father’s new wife. It is easier to start a new marriage
when the children are younger and not in their teens.
Do you know why he was divorced? Perhaps the first wife
went off the derech or decided she did not want to be married. Or it
could be that his behavior was the
cause of the divorce. It is important for you to find out the reason for
the breakup, and that may be difficult, because one can never really find out
the truth.
This is not something you can jump into. You have to get to
know the person very well. Of course, you cannot know someone until you actually
live with them, but you can tell early on if there are any red flags. On
the other hand, as you say, it is not fair to go into a marriage and then find
out it is not for you.
As far as “loving” the children is concerned, I am sure it
will not be easy at first. You need to get to know them, and they, in turn,
need to get to know you. Some children feel very guilty that their parents
are no longer together and think that they are the cause of the breakup. It
will be difficult at first to win them over. Also, when marrying someone who is
a father, you need to understand that his children will always come first, and
that is as it should be.
A lot depends on whether the mother is in the picture or
not. Is there joint custody, or has the mother moved away, not caring or being
able to be near the children? In that case, you would have a much easier
time. It also depends on his relationship with his ex. Is it amicable or
not? As you can see, there are many variables, and every relationship is
different.
I think that maybe you should give this a chance and see
where it leads. Does he fit the picture of what you are looking for
in a spouse? Have confidence in your ability to do the right thing. Despite
the obstacles, many second marriages do work out, and the children are
eventually very welcoming of this new person in their lives. I would recommend
that if you begin to get serious, the man should get advice on how best to
handle speaking to his children and introducing you because that may make a
difference in how well they accept you.
Even in the worst-case scenario – with hostile children and
ex-wife – many a second wife has turned the situation around through her
wisdom, kindness, and consistent behavior, and has, with her husband, built a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael with excellent
relationships among all involved.
I hope I have helped you clarify your thoughts. I wish you hatzlacha in whatever you decide to do.
