To
the Shadchan:
I am divorced and in my 70s now. I have been alone for a long time, and I am thinking about remarrying. I would like to have a companion, someone to do things with, to make life more enjoyable and less lonely. I am financially stable, with the ability to support myself. I am healthy and young looking. Yet, while I am ready and willing to take on the normal responsibilities of married life, I don’t want to be in the position of being caretaker to a seriously ill person. I did that for a long time for a relative and am not willing to do it again. Yet I realize that that is the age when health issues come up. I know that no one has a crystal ball, but I am wondering if you have any wisdom based on your experience with people who married in their senior years as to how to go about it, what to be careful of, etc.
The Shadchan
answers:
As you know, there are differences between a first
and second marriage. In a first marriage, two people are just starting out. Together,
they create the life they want to live: the religious hashkafos, the education of their children, and a myriad other
issues. In a second marriage, each partner has certain expectations of
what a marriage should or shouldn’t look like, and many problems may arise,
which must be analyzed and negotiated. The couple is usually older, and both parties have encountered
many situations and many successes and failures. Their feelings about
how issues should be resolved are thus deeply rooted, and they may feel
rejection or anger if their life partner questions their opinions. On the other
hand, the opposite may be true: Because of their experiences, they may have
become more sensitive and more accepting than partners in a first marriage. No
one can predict what type of relationship will occur, and effort and
flexibility are needed to make any marriage a success.
Now to your question: No, we
cannot look through a crystal ball. As frum
Jews, we know that we are all in the hands of Hashem; only He knows what lies
ahead for us. You are concerned about health issues in a partner at this stage
of the game, but the same can be said for the person you are planning to marry.
It is possible, G-d forbid, that you might be the one facing poor health as the
marriage progresses. That is the chance both of you have to take. As they say
in the outside world, you marry “for better or for worse.”
One needs to think positive. We
have friends who remarried really late in life and were always going and doing
until one of them became ill (the woman) and they had to tone down their way of
life. They are still very happily married and are learning to live with their
situation. As you look around, you see many second marriages where the
individuals are very happy and take every day as it comes. Some of them married
in their 80s and are enjoying life to the fullest.
It is therefore difficult to tell
you exactly what to do. You would have to be willing to risk it and see where
life leads you. It is quite possible that you will have to take care of your
spouse. It is also possible, however, that you will end up not having to deal
with that scenario. His children may step in and want to manage the health care
of their parent, leaving you out of it. One never knows. You just need to daven
to the Ribono shel Olam that he should send you the right zivug.
I have made second marriages with
younger couples but never with seniors. But they too did not know what was
awaiting them. One can face sickness at any age, and anyone can lose a spouse at
the drop of a hat and have to continue with life alone.
As to your concern about “what
to be careful of” in a second marriage, there are things that are important
regardless of age. As I’ve mentioned in the past, you may want to call a few
references or common acquaintances (if there are any) to inquire about the
nature of his first marriage (especially if he was divorced) and if there are
any pertinent items or red flags you should know about. You would certainly
want to inquire as to the type of neighborhood he lived in, his hashkafos, and his profession, to name
just a few.
This information will probably also give you
insight into his expectations and outlook on marriage.
I don’t know if I have helped
you think through your predicament or not. Whatever, you decide, let me reiterate that you should just daven to the Ribono Shel Olam to
help you make the right choice and to bless you with many years together
enjoying life to its fullest. Wishing you much hatzlacha.
