Is there a Yid who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “tsoress”? If you are such a person, “hats off” to you! Simply stated, the meaning of the word tsoress is troubles – but it isn’t that simple!
Tsoress can be categorized into groyseh (big) tsoress, gehakteh (medium) tsoress, klayneh (small) tsoress, and teefeh (deep) tsoress. Regardless of its category, tsoress is referred to as “tsoress oyf kahpawress.” (In other words, we need it like the chicken needs what happens to it after being whirled around our heads before Yom Kippur.)
Nu, you may ask, how do we distinguish one type of tsoress from another – lo olaynu (we should not know of any types!)? Moreover, people have different temperaments and react differently to tsoress. What may be huge tsoress to Mendel may be gornisht (nothing) to Yankel. So, let’s explore a few examples.
Groyseh (Big) Tsoress, Type I
Our family lived in Milan, Italy, and life was relatively normal until that chayeh (animal), Benito Mussolini, joined another chayeh – Hitler, yemach shemayhem. Mussolini proclaimed that persons of the “Jewish race” had to register as members of the Jewish race! The Yidden saw the handwriting on the wall, so to speak. Our family was in real, groyseh tsoress! Fortunately, and with the help of Hashem, my father and uncle Mordechai, who was living in America, we left the country in the nick of time – before the Italian Fascists began gathering Yidden for deportation to Auschwitz.
World War II began while we were traveling over the Atlantic Ocean towards America. The captain of the ocean liner considered returning to Europe but kept sailing towards America, and, baruch Hashem, we arrived in New York safely.
Groyseh Tsoress, Type II
While driving on one of our tsutumulte (confusing) highways, I heard a popping sound, and the car suddenly began shaking like a lulav (profusely). After maneuvering the car towards the shoulder, I noticed that my tire resembled a hand-baked matzo (flat and black)! “Nu,” I mumbled to myself, “ah glick hawt meer getrawfen (I really got ‘fortunate’)!”
The cell phone was useless, because the battery (like me) needed recharging. Now, this gehakteh tsoress was swiftly evolving into groyseh tsoress – and if that was not enough tsoress, one of “Baltimore’s finest” (a member of the Baltimore City Police) suddenly appeared fuhn unter drerd (from under the ground, so to speak) and pointed to a sign that read “No stopping” I tried to explain the need to move off the road, but it was useless, and he continued scribbling in his ticket book.
Genug (enough) tsoress, right? I was actually thinking, ah chaleria oyf em (may he contract cholera) – not a very nice wish. The policeman must have sensed the negative vibe, so, to be a nice guy, he contacted the AAA, a car rescue service. The AAA truck finally arrived, and the driver changed the tire in a few minutes. Now we were only in gehakteh tsoress again. Things were improving!
Driving home on the midget spare tire was no great pleasure because of the limited speed allowable on the donut thing, but we arrived safely, b”H, and the tsoress was now reaching reasonable proportions!
Gehakteh Tsoress
Each day, we face “challenges.” This is the politically correct way of saying gehakteh tsoress. Here are some examples:
â—† Walking out of your home (in your sleep) and returning to a strange house.
â—† Shlepping mud into your house after the floor was washed and waxed.
â—† Snoring during a Beethoven concert.
â—† Locking yourself out of the car with the motor running.
â—† Locking yourself out of the house with the oven on.
â—† Forgetting your wife’s birthday – ah broch iz tsu dear (woe unto you).
â—† Giving a speech honoring the bar mitzva boy and calling him Milty instead of Menachem.
â—† Being summoned for a tax audit by the Internal Revenue Service.
Klayneh (Small) Tsoress, Type I
Klayneh tsoress consist of daily inconveniences, which are not gefarelech (terrible) but are tsoress that we can do without. The response to such tsoress is “Ich darf ess vee ah loch ihn kopp – I need it like a hole in the head,” a comment also made when we purchase a needless item.
An example of klayneh tsoress: It is early in the morning, and after slurping a few cups of coffee, the morning warrior is ready to face the tsumisht (confused) professional world. He or she enters the motorized vehicle parked in front of the house and turns on the ignition: gornisht (nothing). It’s dead. He or she continues flipping the ignition key ahin and ahair (back and forth), but the motor remains dead as a doornail, so to speak.
The first thought that enters his or her frustrated mind is that the battery is dead. On the other hand, it was purchased recently so voos gate awn (what’s going on)?
He or she notifies AAA, whose truck finally arrives, and the AAA mumcheh (expert) begins recharging the battery. Next he tests the battery, and (as predicted) he discovers that the battery is very weak and needs to be replaced. It “just so happens” that he has a replacement battery in his vehicle. Nu, who can question an AAA mumcheh? He puts in the new battery and the tsoress ends – until the next morning!
Nu, you may ask, what else can go wrong? Frayg nisht (don’t ask), but I’ll tell you anyway. Another flat tire! “When it rains it pours,” as they say.
Again AAA arrives to the rescue, and the expert replaces the tire with the donut spare tire. The flat tire is taken to a car mumcheh (expert), who comments, “Your tire is not repairable.” Fahrvoss nisht (why not)? He points to a tiny hole close to the rim and stabs it with a screw driver to prove the point! A new tire is ordered – what else?
Genug (enough) tsoress, right? Again, frayg nisht (don’t ask)! Because the next morning, the so-called bumper of the car has a new circular design caused by a zets (impact) that it received from some chaleria.
Incidentally, once upon a time, cars had solid bumpers that protected the body of the car. Currently, the bumper is part of the car’s frame, so a repair costs an arm and a leg, so to speak, and any light impact makes the car look like a junk yard candidate.
Many items are being mass produced in the cheapest possible manner. For example, there was a time when matches were sturdy, so when you struck the match against the box, the match remained intact. To save money, match companies reduced the thickness of the wood, resulting in a match that resembles a toothpick! It’s risky to use them, because when you strike them against the box they often break, fly on the table, where they can, chass vesholom (G-d forbid), ignite the tablecloth and table! (Incidentally, have you noticed that the five-pound bags of sugar are now four pounds? At least sugar doesn’t break.)
Klayneh Tsoress, Type II
I was having tsoress with my computer modem, which has several flickering mini-lights The internet light – if it could talk – was saying, “Ich hobb deer ihn bawd (take a bath, or go jump in the lake) and turned itself off. Without the internet, the computer is like a tsubrochen kaylee (broken item) and worthless. I therefore called the customer support service, and they connected me with someone located in yener zite velt (Burma?) The “technical support” person told me to connect and disconnect anything attached to the computer, so after connecting and disconnecting a dozen connections, I was informed that my modem toyg in drerd (is worthless) and that they would mail me a new modem. Nu, one minute the modem worked, and now it was tsuhargeht (dead) – just like human life, I guess.
An hour passed so I decided to call them again. Fortunately, I was connected with a person who knew his stuff, as they say, and within 10 minutes, he gave me directions that reconnected the internet, and the internet came to life – a true techias ha-internet!
The new modem was shipped immediately and arrived the next day! It remained unpacked for a few days, since the old modem worked – for a few days. Finally, it was replaced and the new modem works fine – when it does not zap out, that is.
The next day, there was a heavy rain, and a bolt of lightning suddenly flashed by the house. The only damage sustained was the telephone line, which was dead as a doornail, so to speak. Fortunately our cell phone worked, baruch Hashem. I called the phone company, and their technical expert suggested unplugging and replugging all phone connections. He stated that if the problem was outside of the house, there would be no charge. However, if it was inside, the bill was all mine. All bets were that it would be an inside job.
A day later, the telephone technician arrived and after gleefully stating that it was an inside problem, he replaced a small phone connection. I walked him to the door and exited the house. Suddenly, two meshulachim (money collectors) appeared. (who knows from where). One of the meshulachim had payess (sideburns) extending to his shoulders. He produced a profile sheet listing his tsoress and verbalized the problems that he was encountering. I told him to return later, because I was in the midst of a discussion regarding phone problems. He then looked at the technician and began speaking to him in Hebrew! The technician (a Westminster resident) smiled, so the meshulach continued talking to him.
“What’s he saying?” asked the technician.
“He believes that you are a Jew and he is collecting money for a good cause,” I responded.
The technician did not know whether to laugh or cry, so he began to laugh.
I told the meshulach that the guy was not Jewish even though he sported a chasidic looking beard.
“Beh emeht? – Is it true?” said he, in disbelief. He then did what they call an “about face” and disappeared.
The technician then asked why the meshulach had such long payess (sideburns). I told him about a commandment in the Bible regarding payess. Nu, go explain payess to a repairman from Westminster! He left peacefully and continued to smile in good humor, but I hope that, when the repair bill arrives, I will not get charged for schmoozing time!
Ah klal (above all), may we have no more tsoress, and if it does appear, may it be of the minor variety!â—†
