This piece is dedicated to Shaya Gross, a”h, a good friend, who mastered techniques of good interpersonal relations and promoted Jewish brotherhood and unity through them.
This summer, in response to the tragedies and danger to Israel, Baltimore’s Vaad Harabbonim encouraged all of us to meet and greet people cheerfully, as a way to strengthen Jewish unity and brotherhood. There is a simple technique to increase the connection to our fellow Jews when we greet them. The following examples will illustrate.
I first saw “Chaim” in shul. After seeing him a few times and exchanging mutual greetings, I introduced myself and asked him his name. Now, every time I saw him he would smile, and I would say, “Hello, Chaim.” When I was sitting shiva for my father, Chaim came to comfort me. He commented, “I do not know you well, but felt I had to come because you always greet me by name.” Another person I got to know under similar circumstances also told me that he came to my shiva because he appreciated that I greeted him by name.
Greeting by name helps a person to feel acknowledged, special, and respected. It shows that you are interested in him. Don’t you feel good when a rabbi, community leader, or friend greets you by your name? The Sage says in the Mishna, “Yehi kavod chavercha chaviv alecha keshelach – Let the honor of your fellow man be as dear to you as your own.” A Shabbos guest once told us that he became frum because an Orthodox rabbi at an outreach event introduced himself, asked him his name, and greeted him by name.
Greeting by name should be extended to children, as well. I once asked a teenage boy for his name and then greeted him by name. For several Shabbosos after that, he would walk up to me after davening, stand in front of me, and smile. When I said “Good Shabbos, ‘Yisroel Meir,’” he smiled more broadly and walked away. He just wanted to hear me say his name.
There are many secular sources that stress the interpersonal relations value of greeting people by name. In his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote, “We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing…and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information that we are imparting…takes on special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual….The name will work magic as we deal with others.”
Addressing people by their name can create a tremendous kiddush Hashem. Once, when I was checking out at a local drugstore, I looked at the nametag pinned to the front of the cashier’s shirt and said, “Thank you, Joseph; have a nice day.” He appeared stunned, then looked at his nametag, smiled at me, and said “Wow, thank you for noticing my name. You made my day.”
Another example of creating a favorable impression happened to me during my daily Amtrak commute. Every Monday morning, the train is fuller than on other days, and empty two-seat rows are not usually available. On many Monday mornings, the conductor tells me that I can sit in his special, reserved two-seat row. I never requested to sit in his seat. At first, I could not understand why he singled me out for this preferential treatment, until one day he told me with a big smile, “You know, you have been greeting me by name ever since the first week I started working this train.”
While I hope that, by now, you see the value of greeting by name to Jewish brotherhood, unity, and kiddush Hashem, you may be thinking, “I am just not very good at names. I forget them.” I believe that most people do not forget a name; they never made the small effort to remember the name in the first place. Let me give you a simple way to help you remember names: When you introduce yourself to someone, include your first and last name, make eye contact, give a warm smile and firm handshake, and ask him his name. Then repeat the person’s name, “Nice to meet you, Reuben.” The person will feel even more respected if you repeat his name both at the beginning of the conversation and at the end.
You will be surprised at how your ability to remember names improves just by taking a little extra time and energy to concentrate and repeat the person’s name. In addition, show a genuine interest in the person, and try to associate some facts about him, his learning, or his family with his name. This will help you fix names indelibly in your mind. And please remember, it all starts with eye contact, a smile, and an interest in the person.
If you forget someone’s name, it’s okay. I find that people appreciate when you ask them their name again. When I greet people I have not seen in a while, I take the initiative to reintroduce myself. If I do not remember the person’s name, I introduce myself by giving my name and hope that they share theirs. If they do not offer their name in the greeting, I often say, “I remember meeting you but forgot your name. Could you please remind me of your name?”
By practicing greeting people by name and concentrating on remembering their name, you will enhance existing relationships with your fellow Jew, better connect with new people you meet, and become a walking kiddush Hashem. It may feel a little uncomfortable at first, but like anything worthwhile, the more you do it, the easier it will become. Let me give you some common opportunities to practice.
1) Meshulachim (charity collecters): Meshulachim come to our door or we see them in shul on an almost daily basis. It takes only a few extra seconds, as we are handing him the tzedaka to look at the name on his card, and say “Mr. Goldberg, hatzlacha (have success) with your parnassa,” or “Mr. Rabin, mazal tov on the chasana of your daughter,” or “Mr. Kaplan, refuah sheleima (speedy recovery) for your wife.” No one feels good about asking for tzedaka. I guarantee that if you greet them with a smile and by name, almost all will smile back in return. Some will give you a bracha (blessing). You are making them feel special.
2) Weddings: While waiting for the chupah or sitting at a table, we often find ourselves sitting near people we do not know. Instead of just sitting there or talking to someone you already know, take the initiative to introduce yourself and connect with a new person. I know someone in our community who specifically asks the wedding host to sit him at a table with people he does not know. He appreciates the opportunity to meet new people and learn from them. As the Sage says in the Mishnah, “Aizehu chacham? Halomed mikol adam – Who is wise? He who learns from every person.”
3) Group situations: Have you ever been at an event conversing with a group of people, when someone walks up and starts talking to the person or persons he knows? How do you feel about this? Do you feel left out or ignored? When you meet with a group of people, some of whom you know and some you don’t know, greet the ones you know and introduce yourself to those you do not know. You will make everyone in the group feel included and respected.
4) New people in shul: When a new person comes to shul, make him feel welcome by saying “Shalom aleichem, how are you?” Introduce yourself and ask his name. (Remember to repeat his name at the beginning of the conversation and at the end.) At both shuls I attend, one during the week and the other on Shabbos/Yom Tov, I see my fellow congregants doing this. I am always touched at how favorably people react to their warmth, and how much welcoming visitors contributes to ahavas Yisrael.
To complement some of the practices recommended above, and to further develop the skill of greeting people by name, I highly recommend that you read a wonderful book called The Power of Hello, by Ovadiah Mansour. Warm greetings, which the book elaborates on, and a greeting by name combine to strengthen deep connections among Jews and make a kiddush Hashem. Again, as Dale Carnegie wrote, “If you remember my name, you pay me a subtle compliment; you indicate that I have made an impression on you. Remember my name, and you add to my feeling of importance.” In short, remembering the names of our fellow Jews and routinely using them in our greetings, is a way to serve Hashem: “Ve’ahavta lereicha kamocha – Love your fellow Jew as yourself.”
Whenever there is a physical or spiritual threat to the Jewish nation, the gedolim stress the need for prayer and unity. May Hashem end all threats, and may we not need any extraordinary external motivations to strengthen Jewish unity and brotherhood. Greeting by name is a powerful way to connect with our fellow Jew, every day, many times a day. And you never know when such a greeting will lead to a shidduch, chavrusa, business partner, carpool, or just a good friend. When “Shmuel” walked into our shul on Shabbos, I went up to him, greeted him by name, and wished him a good Shabbos. I had only met him once or twice before, but from that point on we became good friends, and now learn Gemara together every Shabbos, for which I am very grateful.
