After 16 months of COVID, we are all still being challenged
in manifold ways. It seems to me that one of the “tests” that we are
experiencing is in the area of v’ahavta
lerayacha kamocha, loving others as ourselves! “Loving” others is not
simple! In fact, how we love those around us may reveal who we are!
The din of the daily media rhetoric
reinforces negativity. Morality is no longer an objective standard for either secular
Jews or non-Jews. Recent formal and informal polls indicate that 75% of
Americans who claim to be Jews do not
consider Israel or Judaism a priority. Most students (including Jews) on U.S.
campuses have bought into the narrative of the Left. They have accepted the
Left’s grievance-based belief system and “cancel culture.” We are witnessing a
generation of seemingly educated individuals who, by and large, lack objective
critical thinking skills. The number of 18- to 28-year-olds suffering from
depression, anxiety, and addiction has increased dramatically – especially in
the last year. In my many professional years I’ve never been so inundated with
requests for help!
* * *
The frum community
is also struggling – trying to find a balance between ruchni’us and gashmi’us, spirituality
and materialism. It’s not simple when the world around us places little value
on ruchnius. Finding balance in an
unbalanced world is challenging.
The late great Rabbi Dr. Abraham
Twerski once said to me, “Can you explain why we need ‘kosher’ bacon and crab?”
He continued, “Ya know, it used to be that on Pesach we had mostly eggs,
potatoes, vegetables, fruit, and chicken. Can you understand why we now expect
that virtually every chometz product
requires a Pesach replacement? What are we teaching our children when they grow
up with an expectation that every ‘treif’
desire can be made ‘kosher’?”
When I was growing up, I often heard
my parents say, “Do you need that?” Sometimes when I accompanied my mom to the
market, she would pick something up, examine it, and put it back, saying, “We
really don’t need that.” I have found that those who are able to distinguish
between “wants” and “needs” tend to be emotionally healthier.
* * *
Lately, I’ve found myself working harder to find the goodness
hidden within each and every Jew. What has become apparent through my
interactions with others is the simple fact that if an individual doesn’t love
and possess insight into himself he has great difficulty loving and
understanding others. A few years before the onset of COVID, I was walking
across the campus at the University of Pennsylvania. A group of Jewish students
were assembled to protest against Israel by supporting BDS. They claimed that
Israel was an apartheid state. After establishing that these young people
actually attended the university, I engaged a couple of them. I prayed that Hashem
would grant me patience. What quickly became apparent was that these students
had little insight into themselves and no factual knowledge about apartheid or
the honest history of modern Israel. After subjecting myself to their vitriol,
I said, “Who here has lived in South Africa?” followed by, “Who here has lived
in Israel?” Are any of you open to having a reasoned discussion about the
facts?”
I didn’t expect to change their
mindset through a brief interaction. My goal was for the students to interact
with a yarmulke-wearing observant Jew who showed them respect and expected
nothing in return. As several students were aggressively trying to enlighten me,
I thanked them for engaging me and wished them good health. Twenty minutes
later, in the university’s bookshop, a young lady who had been part of the BDS
group approached me and said, “I’m sorry about how you were treated; I want to
apologize.” I thanked her for her sensitivity and we spoke reasonably and
rationally. Leaving politics aside, I suggested that if she was interested in
expanding her Jewish knowledge she might want to attend one of the Torah
classes being given by the campus MEOR rabbi. I later learned from the rabbi –
much to my surprise – that the young lady had started attending his beginners
program. You never know....
A while back, a 35-year-old single
woman met with me and spent an entire hour blaming other people and “circumstances”
for her personal shortcomings. I listened patiently and finally said, “Okay, I
hear you. Nevertheless, you are 35-years-old; what do you want to do about it?”
There was a long (uncomfortable) pause. The lady then said, “You’re just like
everyone else; you really don’t care about me, do you?” Before replying, I
reminded myself that I needed to focus on her inner goodness (her neshama) before responding. I said, “You
reached out to me; I cannot help you if you don’t want to help yourself.” Once
again she became defensive. I allowed her to vent some more. It was apparent
that (at that moment) she considered me just another uncaring, unsympathetic
person in her troubled life. Several weeks later she called me back, apologized,
and said, “Can you help me?”
* * *
It is important when we relate to other Jews (and people in
general) that we keep vahavta lerayacha
kamocha in mind, especially when we listen to some outrageously unbalanced
statements. Clearly, we are all being tested. Many adolescents and young adults
who grew up with lots of stuff materially are now left with very little
spiritually. Growing up in an environment of instant gratification has resulted
in impatience and intolerance among many. Patience teaches us that, when
circumstances are beyond our control, we redirect our energies and focus on
what we can control – ourselves! Patience and love go hand in hand. A patient
person approaches obstacles in a calm and thoughtful manner. Patient people
know that problems require solutions but understand that there is a process,
which may require time.
The journey of “self-discovery”
allows us to appreciate and embrace the destination when we arrive. My 35-year-old
impatient lady wanted me to provide her with an instant (painless) solution
with little or no investment of herself in the process. Over the years, I’ve
dealt with individuals who assume that I’m a plumber of the mind. They want me
to find the leak and fix it. When I suggest that I’ll help them locate the leak
but that they need to take responsibility for the repair, it sometimes evokes an
angry response. One of the classic statements I’ve heard more than once is “I’m
paying you to solve my problems.”
* * *
Observant Jews need to always be aware of our status as role
models. Like it or not, we are “G-d’s chosen people.” We should do our best to
engage others with an abundance of patience (which can be especially hard to
muster when we’re busy). It is vital that we feel positive about ourselves in
order to support and nurture the growth of those around us. As Rabbi Tarfon
states, in Pirkei Avos chapter 2, “It is not your duty to finish the work, but
you are not free to neglect it.” The work refers to the continuing work of
developing ourselves in order to be able to “work” on behalf of our Creator.
Finally, the troubled 35-year-old
lady eventually started to accept responsibility for herself. It is not easy to
unpack years of hurt. With patience, perseverance, and prayer, she will
hopefully continue to head in the right direction. The young lady from U of Penn
continued attending Judaism classes and is a work in progress. As Rabbi Emanuel
Feldman (may he be blessed) says, “You never know how the story is going to end.”
Hopefully, with assistance from heaven, it will end happily.
May we possess strength and patience
in order to merit Hashem’s blessings.
