Today, over 84 years since the start of the Holocaust and 79 years from the end of the Second World War, a multitude of Torah learning and educational vehicles are available to enhance the chinuch of our children and make them bnei and bnos Torah. Many of our parents and grandparents are Holocaust survivors who escaped the horrors of Hitler’s Europe. Many of them unfortunately did not have the opportunity to study in yeshivas but came out of the horror of the war with strong emunah and were firmly committed to halacha and shemiras Shabbos.
I have often written about growing
up in my own home, which was rich in my parents’ German minhagim and where Shabbos and Yom Tov were very special. We grew
up with strong shul ties, being part of a community or kehillah, and closely following the advice and teachings of our Rav.
We had only a few holy sefarim in our
home, but we lived a Torah life of avodas
Hashem and gemilus chesed.
Limud Torah was in no way what we have today. Rather, our parents
possessed an emuna peshuta (simple faith). Our generation
understood the many difficult challenges our parents faced and were extremely
proud of them as they were. We were thankful for the extraordinary
opportunities they afforded us, most often at great hardship and financial
stress to themselves. They had nachas
and pride in their children surpassing them in Torah learning, something so
many of them had had no opportunity to accomplish.
Due to our parents’ tremendous
sacrifices, our generation learned in yeshivas and Bais Yaakovs, producing many
masmidim and talmidei chachamim. We even dressed yeshivish – in black hats, dark
suits, and tznius dresses. These made
us look really – exceptionally – frum.
Baruch Hashem, our own offspring, the
third generation, have had the benefit of wonderful Torah homes, filled with sefarim lining bookcase after bookcase, where
Yiddishkeit has thrived.
Kollels are operating in most frum communities, and because we live in
a time of great financial success, many young families are able to stay in
learning with the financial support of their mishpachas. One only need to look at communities like Bnei Brak and
Jerusalem in Israel and Lakewood, Baltimore, Cleveland, Chicago, Monsey,
Atlanta, Miami, and Los Angeles in the U.S., to mention just a few, to see frumkeit exploding and Torah learning thriving,
creating communities and shtetels
similar to those in pre-war Europe.
Just enter a Jewish bookstore and
see the thousands of volumes of sefarim. See
how many Daf Yomi’s are being conducted throughout the world. When over 100,000
Torah masmidim recently gathered to
celebrate the Siyum Hashas in New Jersey and worldwide, it is a testament to Klal Yisroel’s commitment to limud Hatorah. ArtScroll and the
internet have made Torah learning available to all. While the internet poses
huge negative challenges, it has its fantastic benefits as well, if used
correctly.
* * *
In this idyllic picture, as with every
situation in life, there are good and bad sides to deal with. It is striking
the perfect balance that is so critical. Fundamental decisions must be made in
living a balanced life of Torah im derech
eretz – for instance, how long should
a ben Torah stay in kollel or when he
should go on to make a parnassa. These
are decisions the individual, together with his wife, parents, and daas Torah,
have to make. But I have become aware of a different problem stemming from our
great success in educating our children in Torah. While most of the time,
parents take great pride in their children, and children are appreciative and
respectful, the following true story is very troubling and should never happen.
* * *
We have friends in Yerushalayim
who recently poured out their hearts to us regarding the behavior of their
married children. I was horrified to hear that kibud av va’eim was being ignored and sacrificed to the lifestyle the
children decided to live – one that was “frummer”
than that of their parents.
In this case, we are dealing with
wonderful parents who are committed to Torah and halacha and live a life of
Torah values. They gave their children wonderful opportunities to become
whatever they wished. The children, however, want their mishpacha to be totally insulated from the way of life of the grandparents.
The grandchildren are not permitted to visit the grandparents. Instead, the
grandparents have been told they can visit the children and grandchildren in
their “protected” environment.
These are the same parents who
produced these children and gave them the chinuch
that allowed them to reach their current level of frumkeit. Now that they have reached this level of frumkeit, they are ashamed of the
parents who brought them into the world and raised them.
Maybe Grandma doesn’t wash her
strawberries in soap water. Or maybe the shechita
and hechsharim are a bit different.
The grandparents are willing to accommodate all kashrus standards and do
whatever is necessary to make the kids comfortable. It is their pleasure. But
maybe the grandparents have a computer or, worse, a TV. The parents of course
agreed to not use the computer or TV when the grandchildren are visiting.
Unfortunately, that is not good enough!
Something is very wrong with this
scenario. The children are ignoring a din
d’oraisa of kibbud av va’eim for fear of exposing their children to a world
they themselves grew up in. The grandfather was told not to attend a recent simcha in the child’s cheder when the grandchildren were
awarded their first Chumash because grandpa wears a kippah seruga instead of
a black hat. They were embarrassed! To my knowledge, hats are not even a d’rabbanan. The grandpa is responsible
for everything; it is in his zechus
that this day has come. Yet he is excluded from the nachas.
Instead of the children being
proud of their parents and showing proper kavod,
they have adopted a holier-than-thou form of Yiddishkeit. This is tragic and
detrimental to them and even worse for their children. Such a misguided hashkafa can only lead to terrible intolerance
towards the parents who allowed them to rise to any level of Torah hashkafah and Torah way of life that they
to chose.
Klal Yisrael, we have a problem! Bookcases full of sefarim, accompanied by limud Torah, are not the only goods one needs as he faces Hashem each
Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. That Torah needs to be accompanied by maasim tovim, gemilus chasadim, and hakaras hatov (good
deeds, kindness, and gratitude) to family and friends. Frumkeit is more than dress. It is attitudes and actions. It needs
to be a life of darchei noam, pleasantness: a pleasant
disposition and pleasant interactions with both mankind and Hashem. It is a
life of kiddush Hashem.
If you have the zechus (merit) of having living parents,
call them or write to them and express hakaras
hatov for the opportunities they
afforded you. And if you think you are frummer
than they are, well remember, it’s partly to their credit. You are and will
forever be their offspring!
