When a young woman or young man gets engaged, besides the joy of the parents, a great excitement fills the homes of their neighbors and friends. I have experienced this myself. My kids begin to ask for all the pertinent details: Who is the young woman? Where is she from? When is the engagement party? Then the questions might get more personal. “What does he do for a living? What do his parents do?” The questions and conversation lead us into territory which border on being judgmental.
Do we have the capacity to go beyond the superficial externalities of someone’s job, kitchen, or the food they served at their engagement party? Beyond that? Where else is there to talk about?
When you hear of a couple’s engagement or other community events, there are plenty of “positive” and non-judgmental topics that can be discussed. Give compliments and speak of values, not of superficialities.
But what is so bad about speaking about a person’s houses, cars, trips, livelihood?
When we speak of others, we usually look for “news,” something unusual or different that gives us something to talk about. We tend to focus on unusual circumstances. Often, these paint people in a negative light. Talking about other people’s lives brings us dangerously close to the realm of gossip and putting others down. It is called lashon hara, negative speech. And as we know, even if the gossip is true, it is against Jewish law.
Why are we so tempted to put other people down, to point out their faults and mistakes? Psychologically, we do this in order to shore up our own position relative to theirs. In effect, we are subconsciously saying to ourselves, “See, they are worse off than me. I am okay, after all. I can stay where I am, emotionally, intellectually, and in my character growth. I don’t need to change or grow. They do.” When we speak about others, we are justifying our own situation, personality level, and choices. This provides justification for our own foibles and spiritual stagnation. We convince ourselves that we are “cool,” okay just the way we are.
So, besides the great pain that gossip inflicts on others, it creates the greatest personal pain – stagnation and lack of growth. Focusing on their issues distracts us from focusing on personal growth and dealing with our own issues. The Vilna Gaon tells us that the purpose of life is to become the best person we can become. Speaking of others diverts us from pursuing our life purpose.
We must learn to use the power of speech for good – to express our innermost feelings, hopes, desires, and aspirations, and to project our thoughts and selves into the world as we interact with others. When we use our speech to praise, encourage, and build other people, we are activating our innate humanity.
Rabbi Chaim Vital, a student of the great Kabbalist, the Arizal, tells us that there are four levels in the hierarchy of life: inanimate objects, like soil and rocks; plant life; animal life; and The Speaker. Man is known as “the speaker” because speech is the crowning expression of man’s thoughts and intellect (Shaar HaGilgulim). Using our words properly and in a refined fashion makes us the Crown of Creation.
King David asks, “Who is the man who wants life? Guard your tongue from evil and your lips from falsehood.” (Tehilim/Psalms 34:13) If we want real life, it is attainable, through the use of positive speech, lashon tov. We can make ourselves and our families aware that every time we speak we have the opportunity of bringing positivity into our home and our lives. We have all heard of the campaign against lashon hara, negative speech. It is now time for a lashon tov, a positive speech, campaign.
The best defense is a good offense, as King David goes on to say in the same psalm: “Turn from evil and do good.” The Nesivos Sholom teaches that the way to turn from evil is to do good. If you fill your life with good, there is no room left for evil. If you fill your mouth with good speech, you will have no room left for negative speech. The way to stop lashon hara is to enhance Lashon Tov (positive speech).
The Coronavirus is spread by droplets. I am starting a Worldwide Positive Speech Campaign to stop the pandemic by spreading positive words instead of negative droplets. This is a measure-for-measure campaign. G-d runs the world by the principle of measure for measure (Sanhedrin 90a), which means there is a perfect balance. The virus is spread through the mouth, and we want to help stop it through the positive use of our mouths.
I invite you to join the Worldwide Positive Speech Campaign to Stop the Pandemic. Our campaign has four categories of positive speech. We ask all our readers to send their name, city, and a one-line statement of positive speech and encouragement that you use in any one of the following four categories: 1) relationships between man and wife, 2) relationships within families, 3) workplace relationships, and 4) positive and encouraging self-talk.
We will review your suggestions and post them weekly, with your name, on Jewish websites around the world. Please send your positive speech suggestions to goodspeechnow@gmail.com.
Rabbi Yisroel Roll is a dynamic motivational speaker, a psychotherapist specializing in self-esteem enhancement, and the author of nine books on self-esteem. He has lectured in Canada, the USA, England, South Africa, and Israel. Rabbi Roll is the Director of the Self Esteem Clinic and has served as the Rabbi of New West End Shul in London, England. His new book is Stay Woke and Ignite your Soul: Your Life Matters, which presents a step-by-step program for self-actualization. It is available on Amazon.com.
