The woman was
distraught. Her son had set out to that place called America, where the streets
were “paved with gold.” She had seen him off at the nearby train station but
had not heard from him for six months. Now her head was besieged with
questions: Had he made it to the ship? Had he crossed the Atlantic safely? Did
he find a job? Was he okay? Finally, she heard something. A local businessman
came back from America and told her that he had seen her son and that he looked
well. He even provided her with her son’s address.
The woman promptly
headed to the town scribe to dictate a letter to her son. She began, “Son, it
is truly not right that you have ignored your aging mother and you have not
sent a letter or even a regards to let me know that you are okay. Do you not
realize that I worry about you day and night and that the worry you cause me is
aging me prematurely? Is this the kind of upbringing we provided, to just go
off on your own and forget those you left behind?”
After dictating
her strongly worded but heartfelt letter, she asked the scribe to read the
letter back to her. He read what he wrote, “Dear Son, It was delightful to get
news that you have reached America and are doing well. I am so proud of you and
wish you continued success. With love, Your Loving Mother.”
The woman was
taken aback. “But that is not what I said,” she exclaimed.
“True,” the scribe
replied. “But this is the standard text we write under these circumstances.”
* * *
In my work both as
a Rav and as a mediator I have noticed that sometimes people react to difficult
situations in the way that they think they are supposed to react under the
circumstances. They become scared, angry, aggressive, or submissive, because
they think that is what is socially expected of them.
I was once
coaching a man who had recently divorced and was saying many nasty things about
his former wife. I asked him, “Are you angry at her?” He replied, “Well I am
supposed to be angry, right?”
I responded,
“Actually, you are under no obligation to be angry. Just because society gives
us the ‘script’ that divorced people are supposed to follow, it doesn’t mean
that you have to accept that script for yourself. You could view the divorce as
the tragedy that it is – for you, your former wife, for the children, and for
both families. But you do not have to accept the script of anger that you feel
was assigned to you.”
Conversely, as in
our opening story, we sometimes have a script written for us that does not
reflect or communicate our feelings and concerns. This is not communication. A
more thoughtful and mediated approach allows for self-expression in a way that
is constructive and builds mutual understanding.
The same, by the
way, is true of partnerships and business relationships that terminate. There
are some who feel a pressure to see the worst and wonder if they got the raw
end of the deal. Others may just smile their way through abuse and keep their
hurt all bottled up inside. Neither approach is ideal. Surprising as it may
seem at first, it is possible to transition from an intimate relationship to a
relationship that is still respectful and supportive. In fact, engaging a
mediator as the need for transition becomes apparent, can assist in
communication and perspective, and eventually bring to a better outcome. A
mediator can assist in helping parties write the script that runs through their
minds constantly, helping people define transition moments in a more positive
way.
One of the most
striking examples of this is the story of Shaul and Dovid, his son-in-law. The Navi informed Shaul that he would lose
his monarchy. Then Dovid was secretly anointed as the next king. Shaul sensed
that he had lost his specialness, and saw that Dovid was increasingly blessed.
It became clear that Dovid was to be the successor, but Shaul’s attitude to
that succession would make all the difference.
People advising
Shaul convinced him that Dovid was conspiring against him. They wanted Shaul to
view Dovid as a rebellious person. This was the script that they wanted Shaul
to live. In reality, Dovid was loyal to Shaul. Dovid presence was a great gift
– similar to family succession planning – through which Hashem provided for the
protection of the people. As Shaul stepped out, Dovid, his son-in-law, stepped
in as the protector of the people.
Dovid realized
that Shaul was following the script provided to him by his closest advisors, a
script of anger and jealousy, potentially leading to a civil war. In a famous
incident (Shmuel 1: 24), Dovid came so close as to be able to cut off the
corner of Shaul’s royal garment, but he didn’t dare harm the king. He later
held up the corner he had cut from Shaul’s garment and called out to Shaul,
“Why do you listen to the words of mankind who tell you that Dovid wishes to
harm you?” Dovid invited Shaul to follow a different script, a script that
recognized Dovid as part of the great plan and journey of life.
We are all like
actors assigned a part in a play; many people and impressions propose the
script that they think we should play. Review the script well before you act
upon it. If you like the script suggested for you, fine and good. But if you
don’t like the script, spend the time to meticulously edit it until it reflects
the sublime human being you are meant to be.
