My father encouraged us to be handy. He encouraged us to read the instructions and do it ourselves if we could. One of my fond memories of childhood is reaffixing the car rearview mirror after it fell off. Although I did wonder a bit why a rearview mirror was important – after all, people drive forward not backward – I proceeded to reaffix the mirror. I bought the glue, positioned the mirror, and then followed the instructions, holding the freshly glued mirror in place without moving for 40 minutes as I waited for the glue to dry.
When
we moved to Baltimore, my wife and I decided to do part of the move as a
self-move. I rented a Penske 16-foot truck, loaded it, and drove it. How did I
find the driving compared to the regular cars and minivan that I was used to?
The truck is certainly bigger. But the biggest difference I noticed was that
the truck did not have a working rearview mirror. You see, although a mirror
was affixed to the windshield, the large 16-foot cabin behind me blocked its
view. I found it challenging to drive without a rearview mirror.
Sometimes
in life we need to disengage from a long-lasting relationship and move on. It
could be friendship that has broken, a business relationship that has been terminated,
or a marriage that is at the point of divorce. Striving to find the correct
emotional balance can be challenging. It can be hard to find the right
emotional way to view our past, being that we will be focused largely on the
future, hoping that it will be better. Yet I do believe that it is critical not
to trash our past because of our current pain and disappointment. It is
necessary to still have a rearview mirror to see the past behind us.
I
once visited the home of a wealthy man. While I was waiting for our meeting to
begin, I looked at a wheel of pictures that he had on display. As I flipped
through, looking at his vacation pictures, I noticed many that had cut marks
removing a certain face from the pictures in which this person appeared. He later
told me that he cut out the picture of his once-beloved brother-in-law because
of a fallout in the family. Neither he nor his wife “will ever talk to him
again.” I expressed sorrow for his pain and on the fallout. Everyone has their
way to deal with the past. The ideal, however, I believe, is softer than excising
someone and their picture from our life. The treasured memories of the past
might possibly still have a place to be treasured.
Consider
this real-life question: A woman, just divorced, asks her trusted friend if she
should keep her engagement ring or sell it. There is certainly no one answer
that will work for all people. But one therapist suggested that she keep it.
The therapist related how she found that children of divorced parents will often
think back to the time that their family unit was whole. “It is possible, maybe
even probable, that your son or daughter will one day want that ring. It may
provide an emotional anchor for them – a memento of sorts – of a time when
things were whole.” What we do with what we see in the rearview mirror is up to
us. But a rearview mirror is important.
Exiting
any relationship is hard. This is true both in marriages and business
relationships. There can be feelings of betrayal, failure, unfairness, and hurt.
Transitions in any case can be difficult. A person might have quite a bit of
resulting emotional baggage which will at some point need to be sorted out.
Indeed, it may be wise initially to look forward and not back. Our heart can
and should be set with optimism on the future.
Yet
we must not allow baggage to obscure the view of the rearview mirror.
Experiences and relationships of the past form us to be the people that we are.
There are lessons, treasured moments, and fond experiences. Don’t discard the
rearview mirror. Keep it. But choose productively and wisely when to look in
it.
Rabbi Mordechai Rhine is a
Coach and Marriage Mediator based in Maryland. He has served as a community Rav
and lecturer for over two decades. He can be reached through his website
www.care-mediation.com or by email at RMRhine@gmail.com.
