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P. 88
SHADCHANASKTHE information were to cause problems
MTo the Shadchan: BY MASHE KATZ down the road? What is my responsibili-
y neighbor’s oldest daughter ty? What is a smart way to handle it?
has just started going out, learning disabilities. I am her friend and
and I have a gotten two calls, sounding board, so I don’t know what to YThe Shadchan Answers:
so far, about her and her fam- say to callers. I don’t want to hurt my our question is a difficult one.
ily. People know that I am her friend or her daughter, who is a nice girl Please note that my answer is gen-
neighbor, so they call me. I and deserves a chance. But I also don’t eral, based on my personal under-
am in a quandary, because I want to mislead people. If they ask standing and lifelong experience.
know too much. My neighbor is a very specifically about these issues and I am There is, however, an important
nice and warm woman, but she suffers evasive or don’t answer, I know that peo- halachic dimension, and I suggest
from terrible shalom bayis problems as ple will assume the worst. Even if the that you ask a Rav about the
well children with health problems and caller does not ask about shalom bayis, specifics of your situation.
am I supposed to volunteer the informa-
tion? Would I be guilty if not telling this As I have written here before, you
must have rules as to what you will and
will not discuss when someone calls you
about a shidduch. In this case, you must
focus on the girl. If she is a normal, good
girl, mention all of her maalos: her kind-
ness (baalas chesed), outstanding mid-
dos (qualities), looks, and personality.
This girl needs to be given every chance
to marry a wonderful person and true
ben Torah. If you know something
extremely detrimental about her – like if,
G-d forbid, she is currently suffering from
an extreme illness or used drugs – you
could disclose that. Otherwise, give her a
84 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
MTo the Shadchan: BY MASHE KATZ down the road? What is my responsibili-
y neighbor’s oldest daughter ty? What is a smart way to handle it?
has just started going out, learning disabilities. I am her friend and
and I have a gotten two calls, sounding board, so I don’t know what to YThe Shadchan Answers:
so far, about her and her fam- say to callers. I don’t want to hurt my our question is a difficult one.
ily. People know that I am her friend or her daughter, who is a nice girl Please note that my answer is gen-
neighbor, so they call me. I and deserves a chance. But I also don’t eral, based on my personal under-
am in a quandary, because I want to mislead people. If they ask standing and lifelong experience.
know too much. My neighbor is a very specifically about these issues and I am There is, however, an important
nice and warm woman, but she suffers evasive or don’t answer, I know that peo- halachic dimension, and I suggest
from terrible shalom bayis problems as ple will assume the worst. Even if the that you ask a Rav about the
well children with health problems and caller does not ask about shalom bayis, specifics of your situation.
am I supposed to volunteer the informa-
tion? Would I be guilty if not telling this As I have written here before, you
must have rules as to what you will and
will not discuss when someone calls you
about a shidduch. In this case, you must
focus on the girl. If she is a normal, good
girl, mention all of her maalos: her kind-
ness (baalas chesed), outstanding mid-
dos (qualities), looks, and personality.
This girl needs to be given every chance
to marry a wonderful person and true
ben Torah. If you know something
extremely detrimental about her – like if,
G-d forbid, she is currently suffering from
an extreme illness or used drugs – you
could disclose that. Otherwise, give her a
84 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
