Page 90 - issue
P. 90
glowing recommendation. The girl will wife themselves. Why don’t you ask me about the moth-
not have an easy time; why add to her In fact, her parents’ shalom bayis er’s middos and chasadim? That is what
difficulties? is important in a reference. In all the
should not reflect on the girl at all. I have years I have known the mother, she has
With regard to sickness or learning seen children who came from wonderful never spoken a word of lashon hara.
disabilities in the family, if you are not homes but had serious deficiencies of Those are the things that should con-
asked specifically, do not offer informa- character. They did not succeed in mar- cern you.” With that, he ended the con-
tion. Stick to the questions asked. You riage due to psychological or biological versation. I think he was saying that
do not mention what the sicknesses are. influences – or their own bad choices – external behaviors (like head coverings)
If it is a “special” child with a non-hered- which had nothing to do with their can be changed, but a lack of middos is
itary and obvious problem, you can say upbringing. On the other hand, some very difficult to overcome.
only positive things about the child, people who grew up in unbelievably dif-
mentioning that Hashem gives special ficult situations married and live a very In conclusion, when asked about a
children to special parents. If they refuse normal and outstanding life. They may young man or woman, one should dis-
the girl because of this child, they are even be the mechanchim (educators) of cuss that person and not put emphasis
not people they would want to be asso- our children. on the family. If you are put on the spot,
ciated with. say that you do not answer such ques-
Remember, each person controls his tions as a matter of policy – and stick to
About shalom bayis, it is not up to or her own destiny, with Hashem’s guid- this decision regardless of the caller’s
you to say anything, especially if they are ance. Most likely, this girl, if she is insistence. And, again, I think it is advis-
just seeking general information. Even mature, realizes after years of living with able to speak to a Rav.
though you think you know a lot about this problem that she does not want it in
your friend, you do not know everything. her home, and she will make doubly I hope that your recommendation will
Who are we to wash other people’s “dirty sure to meet someone sensitive and enable this young woman to find her
linen” in public? If it comes to the sur- understanding and to work with him to bashert in the near future. As we know,
face later on, it is not your responsibility. create an outstanding bayis ne’eman. it is all in the hands of the Ribono Shel
The ultimate quality of the young cou- Olam. If the shidduch is bashert, noth-
ple’s home life does not depend on you I know of a young man who called a ing you say or do will matter. We just
– not even on the couple’s parents or Rav and wanted to know if the mother have to try our best and hope for a favor-
teachers – but upon the husband and covered her hair. The Rav responded, “Is able outcome. I wish you hatzlacha.◆
that what you are concerned about?
UPTOWN JEWELERS
50% OFF
STOREWIDE SALE
December 12-December 24 ©WWW
SALE HOURS
Weekdays- 10-6
Thursday- 10-7
Sunday 12-4
1422 Reisterstown Road
Baltimore, MD 21208
410-602-2135
uptownjewelers@gtbmail.net
www.uptownjewelers.net
*some items excluded
86 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
not have an easy time; why add to her In fact, her parents’ shalom bayis er’s middos and chasadim? That is what
difficulties? is important in a reference. In all the
should not reflect on the girl at all. I have years I have known the mother, she has
With regard to sickness or learning seen children who came from wonderful never spoken a word of lashon hara.
disabilities in the family, if you are not homes but had serious deficiencies of Those are the things that should con-
asked specifically, do not offer informa- character. They did not succeed in mar- cern you.” With that, he ended the con-
tion. Stick to the questions asked. You riage due to psychological or biological versation. I think he was saying that
do not mention what the sicknesses are. influences – or their own bad choices – external behaviors (like head coverings)
If it is a “special” child with a non-hered- which had nothing to do with their can be changed, but a lack of middos is
itary and obvious problem, you can say upbringing. On the other hand, some very difficult to overcome.
only positive things about the child, people who grew up in unbelievably dif-
mentioning that Hashem gives special ficult situations married and live a very In conclusion, when asked about a
children to special parents. If they refuse normal and outstanding life. They may young man or woman, one should dis-
the girl because of this child, they are even be the mechanchim (educators) of cuss that person and not put emphasis
not people they would want to be asso- our children. on the family. If you are put on the spot,
ciated with. say that you do not answer such ques-
Remember, each person controls his tions as a matter of policy – and stick to
About shalom bayis, it is not up to or her own destiny, with Hashem’s guid- this decision regardless of the caller’s
you to say anything, especially if they are ance. Most likely, this girl, if she is insistence. And, again, I think it is advis-
just seeking general information. Even mature, realizes after years of living with able to speak to a Rav.
though you think you know a lot about this problem that she does not want it in
your friend, you do not know everything. her home, and she will make doubly I hope that your recommendation will
Who are we to wash other people’s “dirty sure to meet someone sensitive and enable this young woman to find her
linen” in public? If it comes to the sur- understanding and to work with him to bashert in the near future. As we know,
face later on, it is not your responsibility. create an outstanding bayis ne’eman. it is all in the hands of the Ribono Shel
The ultimate quality of the young cou- Olam. If the shidduch is bashert, noth-
ple’s home life does not depend on you I know of a young man who called a ing you say or do will matter. We just
– not even on the couple’s parents or Rav and wanted to know if the mother have to try our best and hope for a favor-
teachers – but upon the husband and covered her hair. The Rav responded, “Is able outcome. I wish you hatzlacha.◆
that what you are concerned about?
UPTOWN JEWELERS
50% OFF
STOREWIDE SALE
December 12-December 24 ©WWW
SALE HOURS
Weekdays- 10-6
Thursday- 10-7
Sunday 12-4
1422 Reisterstown Road
Baltimore, MD 21208
410-602-2135
uptownjewelers@gtbmail.net
www.uptownjewelers.net
*some items excluded
86 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
