You may be thinking that I, as a man, am not the right person to be writing about how to be married to one. After all, I clearly have no experience. However, it so happens that I have a very close connection to someone who does have lots of experience in this area, and together we have collected some relevant psychological data.
The points I will share are grounded in the assumption that men and women have dissimilar ways of doing many things. (I know that not all men do it “the man way” and not all women do it “the woman way.” We’re talking in general.) Here, then, are a few tips for wives who are trying to survive and thrive through the experience of being married to a man.
To Solve or to Listen: That is the Question
Before I got married, I had been clearly taught that women often like to talk about their problems without having anyone jump in to solve them. Thus, it was quite surprising to me when, after stepping into my role as husband, I would do precisely that – jump in to solve my wife’s problems right in the middle of her telling them to me.
This reaction is actually hardwired into many men, myself included. So my wife and I, after some time and much frustration, came to an agreement: If she wants to share a problem with me and does not want me to solve it, she says before beginning, “I’m just saying…” That is our code for me to shut off the problem-solving mechanisms and engage the empathy apparatus in my brain (which really is quite effective, once the problem-solving machinery is on break). Not only does my wife then get what she needs from me – a listening ear, empathy, and affection – but I am relieved from the internal pressure to immediately start thinking of possible solutions. Truth be told, it’s very freeing.
As a wife, you may be thinking, “Why do I have to do that? Can’t he just get it?” It’s a fair question. But the answer is no, he cannot. As a man, your husband is programmed to take care of you, which, in a man’s world, means fixing your problems. As soon as you hint at some kind of difficulty, his gears begin turning furiously to make the difficulty go away – because he loves you. So, if you don’t want your husband to solve the problem you are about to describe, tell him so beforehand. You can override the deep male programming with a direct command – but probably not by subtle hints or wishful thinking. Yes, it costs you an extra couple words, but I think it’s a worthwhile trade-off.
Isn’t It Beautiful?
Another male trait that women find hard to accept is that he does not care if it’s pretty. I cannot tell you how many times my wife has asked me to bring some Shabbos dish from the kitchen to the table and has reacted with horror when I brought in the foil pan in which it was cooked. I do understand somewhere deep in the recesses of my male brain that this is somehow not aesthetic, but it doesn’t progress into any kind of real-world action (unless there are specific instructions, which is an entirely different topic in male-female relations).
The fact is that most men wouldn’t recognize an inanimate object as pretty if it bit them on the nose. And they really don’t care. I am much happier bringing the brisket out in a pan than trying to lay it out attractively on the correct serving plate, because that is 90 fewer seconds until that beef is in my gut (see below).
Men do not generally seek aesthetics; men seek functionality. I once tried storing a snowbrush for my car on a ledge above the coat closet. It came down minutes later on the orders of my wife, barred from that location as an “eyesore.” I really had no counterclaim; it was an eyesore. But what a practical place to store it! Immediate access, perfect fit, and what else was I going to put there anyway? That’s how men think.
So what’s the upshot? First, if you are buying something new, say a lazy Susan, don’t try to justify the purchase to him by explaining how it looks just right on the table, goes perfectly with your dishes, or is really fashionable. Explain to him how functional it is: It increases space on the table, distributes food more efficiently, and perhaps most importantly, will help get food into his stomach more quickly. You are much more likely to succeed with such an approach.
Second, in the case where the functionality argument does not apply – such as in your need to buy a pair of brown boots that are exactly like your black ones except they’re brown – it still doesn’t pay to try to convince him that your wardrobe was lacking something and this was exactly what was needed. Rather, just tell him it makes you happy and you appreciate him buying it for you (even if he didn’t).
Do not try to explain why it makes sense, because to him it never will. However, it is the case that making you happy does make sense to him. Most men want to make their wives happy. If you frame it as such, without trying to convince him of the logic of matching boots, you have a much better chance of success.
Note: this approach is not going to work if the boots cost $400 and you are already under financial strain and little Shmuli needs braces. You need to be sure that the purchase/request is reasonable, that this is not happening every week, etc. This is true whether buying matching boots, replacing old carpeting, arranging furniture, hanging pictures, setting the table, and many other applications.
The Way to a Man’s Heart…
A hungry man is a cranky man. If you want him to be able to override his problem – like subduing his misgivings about those boots – he is going to need the mental fuel to do it. However – and this is a bit tricky – he may not realize himself that he has to eat. Many men don’t have a good gauge (or they forget to look at it). You should be that gauge and make sure that he has nutritious, satisfying food to power his system. Often, if he is in a vaguely grumpy mood, you can resolve it entirely by feeding the poor beast.
There is a deeper function of this strategy as well: Because the average man likes food so much, and because it is so vital to his proper functioning as a sensitive and caring person, it is profoundly meaningful to him when you provide it for him, and even more than that, when you take responsibility for providing it to him. He probably doesn’t take nearly as good care of himself as you would. He might grab an instant coffee and a cereal bar for breakfast, but you will prepare a grapefruit half, hot oatmeal with milk, and eggs sunny-side up, or whatever it is you know he likes.
You can be the First Officer of his stomach. (My wife was designated Head Lunch Lady on our eighth date and has filled that role ever since.) There is nothing that conveys to a man the sense that he is loved more than a hot dinner waiting for him when he comes home. For women who work and can’t pull this off, a plate in the refrigerator that is ready to pop into the microwave does the trick just as well. (Note that it has to be right in the very front of the fridge. You know he’s not going to find it otherwise.)
This is obviously not a comprehensive manual for spouses of men. It’s just a starter guide with a few tips to help you bridge the gender gap and maybe get you thinking about other ways in which you can be effective in managing the man in your life. I wish you luck in this challenging endeavor, and hope that even as you attempt to overcome the hurdles that present themselves, you can do it with a smile.
Rabbi Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, is a marriage and family counselor, and director of the Baltimore Therapy Center (www.baltimoretherapycenter.com). He can be reached at Raffi@baltimoretherapycenter.com or at 443-598-BTC-1 (2821). He is married to a woman.
