Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
I just lost my job. I have not told my husband or family. It was a part-time job, and I’m not the main breadwinner, but we definitely depend on my income for a lot of the extras. I dread telling everyone. Our teenagers are used to buying a lot of things. Maybe I spoiled them a little, because I wanted them to feel confident among their friends. I didn’t want them to feel poor or deprived. Now I’m afraid of how they’ll take to a restricted budget. Will they be understanding, or will they be angry? I very much don’t want to look like a failure in my kids’ eyes. I know I can’t keep this secret forever, but I need some advice on how to tell everyone.
Lost in More Ways Than One
Dear Lost,
Many people who lose a job feel ashamed, as if they have done something terrible. In reality, you are one of several million competent, hardworking individuals who lost their jobs because of the current difficult economic situation. Keeping this a secret will only increase your sense of shame and prevent you from getting the comfort and support of your husband and children. When the secret comes out, as it inevitably will, your family will feel hurt that you thought you couldn’t count on them.
Keep in mind that children are far more resilient than we realize. Explain to them that losing a job happens and that we will deal with this together. We may have to budget more carefully, but we will get through it. Your children will take their cue from you: If you think you are now deprived, they will think so too. If you see this as a challenge, they will rise to the occasion. Let them come up with some cost-saving ideas that are not too difficult to implement (for example, combining errands so there are fewer trips in the car), and give them a sense of sharing a challenging time. Hatzlacha!
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
We have lived in Baltimore for over 10 years and are very happy in this community. It is a makom Torah, and we have had the privilege of meeting many baalei chesed.
Over the years, my husband and I have opened our home to many people. We have had families, singles, widows, irreligious individuals, or anyone in need of Shabbos meals. We happen to enjoy having company, and have also invited families socially. While we do not expect anything in return from most of the people listed above, it does bother us when the families do not seem to have any interest in returning a Shabbos invitation. At least 10 families have not reciprocated or even tried to reciprocate our invitations. If these families had no intention of returning the invitation, maybe they shouldn’t have accepted our invitation to begin with. A few of these families have returned the favor in other ways, e.g., made a meal after a baby was born, but most have not.
I grew up out of town, where it was the norm, and considered polite, to return a Shabbos invitation. Yes, people there were also busy, and yes, they had big families as well. Maybe our expectations are too high and we have to reframe our thinking. Clearly, the best way to do the mitzva of hachnasas orchim is lishma, and not expect anything in return. Maybe in a bigger community like Baltimore, a returned Shabbos invitation is not the norm and is not to be expected. Just wondering what the Rebbetzin thinks.
Frustrated Hostess
Dear Frustrated,
It sounds like you feel your Shabbos meals, clearly the products of much thought and work, are not really appreciated by your guests. Your assumption is that if they truly appreciated the invitation and time spent with you, they would reciprocate and invite you back.
There could be a number of reasons for people not inviting you in return. If you are a gourmet cook, or decorate the table beautifully, your guests might feel they cannot live up to your standard. Some people are overwhelmed by the mere thought of having company for a Shabbos meal; some don’t know how to make a guest feel at home. Some may work full time and serve a very basic, streamlined meal for Shabbos – and that, by the way, would make them especially grateful to be invited out. And then there are those who, sadly, may simply be takers and lack the courtesy of thanking you through a reciprocal invitation or in some other manner.
It seems to me that you gave the best answer to your situation when you said, “The best way to do the mitzva of hachnasas orchim is lishma and not expect anything in return.” You may never know how much your invitation was needed at a particular time and what impact your chesed had on your guests. The satisfaction of knowing you are following in the ways of Hashem and giving of yourselves in such a special way may be the best thanks of all. I hope you continue to open your home, and I hope you will be pleasantly surprised in the future when people show their gratitude and appreciation!
