Many years ago, when my children were in their teens, I thought to
put into writing some of the principles I have lived by and that I tried to
instill in them all during their growing-up years. I wrote many pages of
advice, based largely on Pirkei Avos,
something that I imagine loving parents and grandparents have always done in
what has been called an “ethical will.”
It began with the Shidduch Book, which I wrote in 1996.
Although my children were not yet dating, I wanted to prepare them for that
most momentous decision in life: the choice of a marriage partner. I continued
to write “letters” to my children and ultimately gathered my words into a beautifully-bound book, which I presented to
each of my children as a legacy. I called them Letters to My Children.
Baruch Hashem, my
children have long since left home and embarked on independent lives of their
own, and I like to think that perhaps the philosophy of life I summarized in
that book contributed to their success. Now, I am writing to my grandchildren
and am gathering these letters, too, into a beautiful book for each of them. In
my Letters to my Grandchildren, I transmit to them, too, their
family history, family minhagim,
stories, and an account of the person whom they had the zechus to be named after. Each book is simply written – just loving
advice from their Grandpa. Writing is a powerful way and a lasting way to
communicate your thoughts to children and generations yet to come.
Recently,
I have felt it is time to disseminate this knowledge further. I hope to share many of these
letters and thoughts in this series of articles in the Where What When. First, a disclaimer: I am not
preaching, nor am I attempting to give mussar,
both of which I may not be qualified or deserving to do. These are simply words
of advice I gave to my children and grandchildren, all of whom I have the
responsibility to teach (veshinantom
levanecha). It is advice based on my personal Torah education, my chinuch, and on my hashkafa (religious outlook) and life experiences. Most of all, I
was taught these words by my wonderful parents and grandparents, as was my wife, and together we raised our children with the
values of Torah our mishpachos handed
over to us.
We Jews
are creatures of mesorah, tradition, yet many precious families do not
have access to a family tradition, and many old-time Yiddishe values have been
lost to this generation. Readers are welcome to use whatever they find
meaningful in my words. But please remember: These letters represent just one father’s message to his kids. I encourage and challenge readers to write their own
version of ethical will and family history to their own children and
grandchildren. Your advice and hashkafah
may differ greatly from mine, and that is fine! Ish lefi darko (each according to his path). That is the way it
should be. The important thing is that
children know about their forebears: their admirable qualities and
accomplishments. Whether the family was shomer mitzvos or not is less
important than whether they displayed middos that their grandchildren
can take pride in and emulate.
Underlying all our actions and
words must be a Torah-true perspective to do the ratzon (will) of Hakadosh Baruch
Hu (G-d). The written word creates a very precious legacy of our life spent
in this temporary world. It is a marvelous treasure to our mishpachas, to be transmitted to future doros (generations).
It is with these thoughts that I
submit this series of articles for publication in the Where What When, our community magazine, where I
hope it will find an appreciative audience. If my letters – whether you like
them or not – get some of you to take on this project, then my sharing them
will have accomplished a great deal.
* * *
“Hearken, my son, to the discipline of your father, and do
not forsake… instruction of your mother.” Mishlei 1:8
“Ask your
father…he will tell you; your elders, and they will inform you.” Dvarim
32:7
Dear
Children,
From the time you were very young, maybe
only six or seven years old, as we sat around the Shabbos table singing zemiros and discussing the parsha, I would often interrupt the
conversation to express my thoughts on what you should look for in a shidduch. I have always reiterated my
formula for success in choosing your intended and for charting your future and
the future of your children, so you have often heard me say what I am about to
write.
Now that you are both about to venture out
on your own, to continue your learning and education, it is time for me to
record my thoughts so you can take them with you for review. Hopefully, this
advice will come in handy for you and, iy”H, your children and grandchildren. It is
a mesorah we learned from our parents
and grandparents, and it has worked wonderfully for Mom and me. You should
absolutely follow these family principles to the best of your ability and teach
your children to hand them down from generation to generation in the future.
“One who
increases study, increases wisdom; one who increases counsel, increases understanding….” Pirkei
Avos 2:7
Let
me mention a few important points to remember: You have been taught well, and
as a result, you must have confidence in your thoughts and actions. Sound
advice is an important and valuable tool in formulating a course of action
throughout your life. Good advice is a wonderful help, and you should certainly
seek it from those you love and respect. But ultimately, it will be you who
makes the final decision that will affect your actions and determine the way
you choose to lead your life.
“I shall raise my
eyes to…mountains, from where will my help come?” Tehilim 121:1
A
yirei Shamayim and a ben Torah or bas Torah must always
pose the question, “What does Hashem want from me?” Whenever I have to make an important decision in my life, I look to Hashem
and ask, “What does Hashem expect from me? Will I live up to His expectations
of me, and am I following the derech
that Hashem wishes me to take?” Developing this kind of rapport with Hashem,
whether through tefilah or via your
own thoughts, will always serve you well in making those important decisions.
“May the sayings of my mouth…the meditations of
my heart be acceptable before You, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Tehilim 19:15
Always
remember, we are bassar vadam; we are
human. We are never truly perfect, and every one of us errs on occasion. That
is the beauty of our relationship with Hakadosh
Baruch Hu. Teshuva, and the
possibility of improvement in our future actions, gives us hope as we
continually strive to serve Hashem to the best of our abilities. G-d’s chesed and rachamim (kindness and mercy) are always with us, and our emunah and bitachon (faith) must be strong, no matter what occurs.
Once you have decided on a course of
action, a mehalech, proceed strongly and
with confidence and resolve to take the proper action. A strong will and a
specific focus are essential for accomplishing your goals.
“…Judge every man to the side of merit.”
Pirkei Avos 1:6
“…Receive every man with a pleasant
countenance.” Pirkei Avos
Always
give every person the benefit of the doubt. Receive everyone with a smile and
try to settle all disagreements beshalom.
Study Pirkei Avos carefully and
follow the wonderful advice our sages have recorded in these beautiful
mishnayos on how you should lead your lives.
As your parents, we have tried to be
honest and consistent. Our frumkeit
is our chosen derech, one you may
choose to surpass or improve upon. That would be our nachas. But whatever derech,
hashkafa, or level of frumkeit you choose, you must accept our
way of life, knowing that we feel confident and comfortable that Hashem is the
judge of our actions, and we trust that Hashem approves of the way we lead our
lives. That is precisely why we live the way we do! Having said this, I will
now return to the raison d’etre of this letter: Now that you are approaching
adulthood, it is likely that in the next few years both of you will, iy”H, decide on your marriage partners.
With Hashem’s help, you will choose well. Mom and I both trust your judgment
implicitly, but I would like to pass on some sound advice that will help you in
making the most important decision of your lives.
To
be continued next month.
