Last month, I introduced this series of articles by explaining how,
many years ago, I wrote a book of advice to my children in the form of letters.
It was based largely on Pirkei Avos, whose
principles I have tried to live by and which I have tried to instill in my
children. Now, I am writing to my
grandchildren, to transmit to them, too, whatever wisdom I have attained
as well as their family history, stories, and minhagim.
In disseminating these letters
beyond the family, I am not preaching, nor am I attempting to give mussar, both of which I may not be
qualified or deserving to do. These are simply words of advice to my children
and grandchildren, based on my personal Torah education, hashkafa (religious outlook), and life experiences.
Readers are welcome to use
whatever they find meaningful in my words, but please remember that they
represent just one father’s loving advice. I encourage and
challenge fathers and mothers to write their own version of an ethical will and
family history for their own children. Their advice may differ greatly from
mine, but that is fine! The important thing is for children to know about their
parents’ ideals and their forebears’ admirable qualities and accomplishments,
and especially their middos, in which
the grandchildren can take pride and emulate.
The written word creates a very
precious legacy of our life spent in this temporary world. It is a marvelous
treasure to our mishpachos, to be
transmitted to future doros
(generations). If my letters get some of you to take on this project, then my goal
in sharing them will have been accomplished.
* * *
Dear
Children,
Now you are approaching adulthood, and it
is likely that in the next few years both of you will, iy”H, decide on your marriage partners. With Hashem’s help, you
will choose well. Mom and I both trust your judgment implicitly, but I would
like to pass on some sound advice that will help you in making the most important
decision of your lives.
There are four fundamental considerations
in evaluating a marriage partner, which I list in the order of their
importance:
·
Personality: middos and disposition
·
Frumkeit and hashkafa (religious outlook)
·
Mishpacha: family background
·
Tachlis in life: goals
and parnassa
Using these four fundamentals to assess
your potential marriage partner requires a good dose of common sense. I would
like to explain each of them in detail so you will truly understand the
formula.
Personality
The absolutely most important factor is
the person’s personality and middos (character).
A good spouse must be a mensch: someone
who is kind, considerate, respectful, and generous. Observe most carefully how
the person treats his or her parents, siblings, and friends. This is a
wonderful clue. The menschlichkeit of
a person, how he or she treats others, also gives you a true insight into how
that person thinks of himself. His personality and disposition also tell you
about his relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu (G-d). One must be happy,
satisfied, cheerful, and possess self-assurance.
One with whom men are
pleased, Hashem is pleased. But anyone with whom men are displeased, Hashem is
displeased. – Pirkei Avos 3:10
There is another point to stress: Your intended
spouse must be beautiful in your eyes, both inside and out. Inside, he or she
must be kind and loving, as already mentioned. On the outside, he or she must
be physically appealing to you. The person should be someone you’ll thank
Hashem that you have the zechus to be
with each and every day. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Never let anyone
try to influence your judgment in this matter. Remember also that physical
beauty diminishes with time, while inner beauty improves with age.
All love that depends
on a something [such as beauty or financial gain] will not last. When the thing
[upon which the love is based] ceases, the love ceases. – Pirkei Avos 5:16
Hashem has given us a wonderful gift: a
relationship of love between husband and wife. You need to strengthen and renew
this love each day. A good marriage not only brings one closer to one’s spouse
but brings husband and wife as a unit closer to Hashem. Shalom bayis (domestic harmony) depends on the interaction of the personality,
disposition, and middos of each
spouse. After the teenage years, these are well ingrained in one’s character.
While a person’s actions and frumkeit
(religiosity) can still be improved, character almost always never can. My
advice is not to even attempt to change someone else’s character flaws; concentrate
on your own. That is challenging enough!
Frumkeit
After you have ascertained the person’s
personality, you are ready to analyze the second key factor: the person’s frumkeit. To be really frum, one will have had to pass the
first test, that of personality and middos.
Then, true frumkeit is always behaving
in such a way as to bring honor to Hashem. It is serving G-d besimcha (with joy). True frumkeit is following the mitzvos to the
best of one’s ability, always striving to improve oneself in small steps to
come closer to Hashem.
The world stands on
three things: on justice, on truth, and on peace. – Pirkei Avos 1:18
Ask yourself: Is the person’s frumkeit truly ehrlich (sincere)? Is it all an act, or is it that of a true ben or bas Torah? It is easy to be fooled here. Are the person’s hashkafos of the same nature as your
own? Look to the person’s Rabbanim Rebbeim, teachers, parents, and friends.
Look at his or her community and shul, Torah education, and peers to see if they
are yosher (upright), emmesdik (for real), and wholesome. Will
this person create the kind of environment in which you would be comfortable
raising your children?
Does your intended dress the way a ben Torah or bas Torah should, and what exactly does this mean? Our family has
never been impressed with what style kippah
or hat one chooses to wear. We’ve always cared more about what’s underneath the
headgear. Tznius (modesty) is an area
both of you understand, having learned well from your yeshivos. Remember what
you’ve been taught, and always use common sense. Lean to a conservative
approach in actions and dress and avoid excessively ostentatious behavior.
Be careful with a light
commandment as with a grave one, for you do not know the reward for the fulfillment
of the commandments. – Pirkei Avos 2:1
Sincere frumkeit is something we have always taught you to recognize.
Remember, for a person to be truly frum,
there must be a balance between bain adam
lamakom and bein adam lechaveiro, one’s
relationship with Hashem and with people. Yiddishkeit at its highest level is a
derech (path) pleasing to Hashem and to mankind. One’s hashkafa and philosophy, as well as
one’s adherence to the taryag (613) mitzvos,
is crucial. A person must be a mensch
and possess a love for Hashem as a love for mankind and all other living
beings. Respect for daas Torah and for
a Rav or Rebbe is also vital to our frumkeit
and hashkafa. Together with middos, personality, and disposition,
these factors make up the mensch you
will choose to marry. Your decision should be strongly influenced by these
personal traits.
Serve Hashem in joy. –
Tehilim 100:2
Mishpacha
There are two additional areas you must
strongly consider. The first, mishpacha
and yichus, are key influences in all
of our lives. From the time we are born into olam hazeh, our parents and families influence our personality, frumkeit, and hashkafa. Look very closely at your intended’s parents’ middos and frumkeit. Chances are that their offspring will be quite similar.
The old adage that “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is quite true.
Why is it, then, that wonderful parents don’t necessarily produce wonderful
children? Our Rav once explained that, when the apple falls, the wind and other
environmental influences, such as friends, influence how each apple or child
will fall and where it will land. By the same token, while it is humanly
possible that a good apple may grow among not such good ones, it is not very
probable.
And I will dwell in the
house of Hashem for many long years. – Tehilim 23:6
Look at the home, the Shabbos ru’ach, and the importance of Torah
learning for the entire family. Look at the family’s minhagim (religious customs) and avodas Hashem (service of G-d), and make sure that the hashkafa is similar to the way you have
been taught to look at things. How do the parents treat each other? Is there
mutual love, respect, and a loving environment between the spouses and the
children? Look carefully at how the family leads its life. Are they a true
Torah family who live as yirei Shamayim and
as a Kiddush Hashem to their
community and friends? Are they baalei
tzedaka (charitable) and gomlei
chasadim, who practice hachnasas
orchim (welcoming guests) and omer
me’at ve’aseh harbei (speak little and do much)? Do they watch their speech
and use talk and discussion for good and not for bad or idle talk? Remember,
those who think and speak poorly of others usually have a poor self-image
themselves.
Look at grandparents and lineage to ensure
that the wonderful traits continue midor
lador (from generation to generation). Do they possess “class,” malchus (royalty), to which you would
like to expose your children?
There are three crowns: the crown of Torah, the crown of
priesthood, and the crown of royalty, but the crown of a good name supersedes
them all. – Pirkei Avos 4:13
Class has little to do with wealth. It has
to do with middos. A beautiful home
is not one of cold marble and shiny silver; a beautiful home is a warm, loving
home where middos, chesed, and Torah shine. Class emanates
from the inner beauty of people, not from their possessions. Remember,
possessions and wealth can easily be lost, but true class stays with the person
throughout his or her life. This malchus,
this royal quality, should be deeply rooted in your intended and in his or
her mishpacha. You must pass this malchus on to your offspring in the
future.
The world stands upon three things: the Torah, the
Tachlis
and
parnassa: The last area to discuss is one of the most difficult. Our mesora (heritage) as a family follows
the approach of Harav Samson Raphael Hirsch, zt”l, that of Torah im derech
eretz (Torah along with parnassa). It was decided way back at Gan Eden
that, because of the sin of Adam and Chavah, our onesh (punishment) would be to toil for our sustenance. While limud Torah and our learning are
uppermost in our lives, we must work to support the family in the world of gashmius (materialism). This balance of
Torah and gashmius is one of the most
difficult areas to deal with as a young adult. The decision of whether to stay
in learning full time or to enter a profession while continuing one’s learning
is one with which you and your spouse must be completely comfortable. Here is
where seichel (common sense) comes
into play, and where seeking advice from parents and rebbeim is most important.
A key to remember: Always ask yourself what Hashem expects of you.
When you eat the toil of your hands, you are fortunate and it is
well with you. – Pirkei Avos 4:1
Excellent is the study
of the Torah when combined with a worldly occupation, for toil in them both
keeps sin out of one’s mind; But [study of the] Torah which is not combined
with a worldly occupation, in the end comes to be neglected and becomes the
cause of sin. – Pirkei Avos 2:2
To be continued…
