Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
I have been friends with someone since our elementary school days. Now we both have married children and several grandchildren. We have maintained our friendship, being closer some years than others, depending on what was going on in our lives. But it has always been a very solid friendship.
Now I sense a change in her. My husband and I have, b”H, seen success in our parnassa, especially over the last five years. They have not. While we have not drastically changed our lifestyle, we’ve been able to buy nicer clothing, better furnishings, etc. When my friend comes over, I feel she looks at these things with a jealous eye. Her attitude seems to be: You have everything, I have nothing. I don’t believe I’m a showy or boastful person, but it’s impossible to hide our good fortune. From small comments that this friend makes, I sense her tremendous jealousy.
I am a big believer in the ayin hara (evil eye). I’m afraid bad things could happen from her jealousy. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to invite her to my home or tell her about my life. For example, I don’t want her to know if my sons and daughters are expecting – because it is not creating good feelings.
The ironic thing is that she is more fortunate than me in one very important way. I may be successful in parnassa, but I am not that successful with my marriage. It’s an okay marriage, and I do what I can. I keep this side of my life private, so she doesn’t know. But I feel like shaking her and saying, “Count your blessings! You have a husband who is your best friend!” Of course, I don’t say anything.
My dilemma is whether I should distance myself from this friend. I value her friendship, but I feel the relationship is no longer positive. How do you put an end to a relationship after so many years? Or is that the wrong route? I value your opinion.
Fearful
Dear Fearful,
Based on your knowledge of this person and your years of experience, your instinct is telling you to be careful, both in terms of ayin hara and in terms of your personal relationship with your friend. You mention in your letter that this friendship has ebbed and flowed over the years depending on how things were going in your lives. That leads me to ask you to consider letting your relationship do more “ebbing” right now and leave the “flowing” for some time in the future.
You have a shared history and years of friendship. An abrupt end actually could backfire on you, since your friend could feel very hurt and angry. My suggestion would be to meet less often. (At your stage of life, there are plenty of good reasons for not having time!) And try to meet outside of your house. There’s no need for your friend to look around at your home and its furnishings and feel jealous. At the same time, let her know that you consider her a model for a great marriage and you hope others will learn from her.
Whether you will ever be able to resume the closeness you had remains to be seen. If it does work out, that will be a bonus for you; if not, you will always have the memories of a very special friendship.
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
I am sitting down to write to you right after Yom Tov; I want to get my thoughts out now, while they are fresh and strong.
I am worn out from Yom Tov, from all the cleaning and cooking and hosting. Several of our married children came, and I was very happy to see them and their adorable children. I didn’t get much of a chance to enjoy them, though. Since I work full time, and don’t have cleaning help, I can’t cook much in advance and end up cooking on Pesach, all day every day.
My adult children don’t pitch in very much; they are just happy to be home and have a rest themselves. They are also busy keeping their kids out of mischief. I love being able to give my children a rest and a good time at home. I love providing the setting for all the cousins to get to know each other. My main gripe is that the grandchildren are getting to know me as the tired, irritable woman who snaps at them to stay out of the kitchen. When Yom Tov was over, it really hit me that I wasn’t able to play with the grandchildren and be the loving bubby I really want to be.
I would like to write my children a letter and explain to them that, while I enjoy having them, I need them to help a bit more next year. My husband says that if I write the letter, the children will stay home. What should I do?
Frustrated Bubby
Dear Frustrated Bubby,
Something tells me there are many women out there who could have written the same letter as yours! Pesach is a beautiful Yom Tov that also is quite labor intensive, to put it mildly. Before turning to your children, I would like to suggest that you consider hiring some help. Quite a few people get someone to help even two hours a day on Pesach, so the dishes and kosos are washed and the floor is swept, while Bubby gets to sit and read with her grandchildren. It might also be worthwhile to take a day or two off before Pesach, so you don’t feel so pressured. I realize that this will cost you some earnings, but you can count it as part of the Pesach expense.
Writing a letter, especially a year in advance, creates an “issue.” I would wait until closer to Pesach, say a little before or after Purim. Then let your children know the plans you have for some help in the house and tell them you’d like their input on any other ways they can think of to make sure you spend quality time with the grandchildren. This way, the whole family becomes part of the solution, instead of being the problem. Hatzlacha to you, and I hope your next Pesach will be less harried and more filled with nachas and pleasure.
