Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
I read the letter last month from the wife who complained about her husband’s boss. I feel it is necessary to point out the other side of the coin. There are many employers who make a point of reaching out to members of the community and giving them a job. You’d think this would be an ideal situation, an opportunity to work for people who understand your way of life. Yet many times, the boss’s kindness backfires.
If you are an employee, be aware that devotion goes two ways. If you are not happy with your boss, ask yourself if you follow the basic requirements of bain adam lechaveiro towards him. Here is a short list of rules, based on the experiences of my husband, the boss.
Be prompt: 9:00 o’clock, not 9:05. (“What’s five minutes!?”)
Don’t start the day with breakfast at work.
Don’t take off two hours and say you’ll make it up at the end of the day. Customers come in at 9:00 to 11:00 a.m. No customers come in at 6:00 to 8:00 in the evening.
Don’t run out to do a community chesed on the boss’s time. (“What! You won’t let me do a chesed?”)
Summer Fridays don’t end the same time as winter Fridays; this was not the agreement. And don’t be grumpy for the rest of the day if you can’t take off early.
Follow the orders of the boss even though you think you have a better way.
Don’t spend your day on the cell phone – for only one “minute.” (“Why are you so petty?”)
Ask your wife not to call every five minutes to say, “Hurry up. The kids are screaming; I need help!”
Don’t come to work in a bad mood – you can’t do your job properly. Customers complain they are being treated rudely, and they don’t come back.
Sincerely,
The Boss’s Wife
Dear Boss’s Wife,
Thank you for enlightening us about the other side of the story. It’s important to keep an open mind. Perhaps others will write in and tell their thoughts and experiences. It would be interesting to hear their reactions.
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
My yeshiva bachur son just got engaged. Something came up during the vort which troubled me and which I am sure will come up again during sheva brachos. I hope you can give me advice on how to deal with it.
My son was asked to speak, and gave a short dvar Torah along with words of thanks and appreciation. Unfortunately, he didn’t give much thought as to how to refer to my husband. After lavish praise and thanks to me, he tacked on a noticeably weak “thanks also to my mother’s husband.” Couldn’t he have at least called him “step-father,” and said a little more about him? I am divorced from my son’s father (who was not present), but my new husband has been very nice to my son. He tries to help him and act in a fatherly role, but my son rebuffs his efforts.
What should I say to my son? He is generally very sweet and wants to do the right thing, but his emotions are getting in the way. I felt embarrassed and pained for my husband, who really is a good person. I don’t know if other people noticed what happened, but to me it was extremely obvious. Thank you for your consideration.
A Mother
Dear Mother,
Mazal tov on your son’s engagement. May you have much nachas. My answer might sound a little strange to you, but I really don’t see that your son did such a terrible thing. You don’t say how long you have been married to your husband, but apparently it’s not very long, and perhaps he and your son have not yet formed a bond. Sometimes these things take time.
I don’t think anything good would come from making a tzimmis out of this. Probably your son felt just a little awkward as to how to include him. I would suggest that you say to your son – very casually and without making it sound like a criticism – “Oh, by the way, maybe you can refer to `Moishe’ as your step-dad.” You might add that your husband really cares for him and that you very much hope that he will begin to have warmer feelings for your husband.
Sometimes, the less said, the better. Again, have a lot of nachas from your son, and I hope that you and your husband will have many pleasant simchas to go to together.
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
Our child often comes into the house complaining that another child is hitting him. This child, who is in kindergarten, goes around hitting and kicking other kids. We have spoken to the parents; they are aware of his behavior but say there is nothing they can do about it. They talk until they’re blue in the face, but the child doesn’t understand.
Our question is what’s the next step? Even though this boy cannot control himself, we have to protect our child. What do you think about telling our son to hit back? We don’t like to teach him that hitting is okay, but isn’t this self-defense? Basically, we want to know when it is appropriate for a frum child to hit.
Involved in Children’s Politics
Dear Involved,
Of course you have to protect your child. The hitter’s parents should not be afraid of their child, and should insist that he not hit the other children. But if they continue to say there’s nothing they can do, I think it would be in place to tell the boy that you consider what he is doing to your child and any other child to be extremely wrong, and that you will have to take it to the authorities. If you could contact Shomrim or Hatzala and ask them to come talk to him wearing their uniform or official emblem, it may scare him out of his wits, and that will sometimes do the trick.
As for self-defense, if your child comes and tells you what’s going on, you can step in. If not, he has to hit back. Sometimes the best lesson is one you can feel on the body. A frum child has to stand up for himself, too. There is a lot of information today on bullying and the harm it causes. I certainly would not let this go.
