One interesting outcome of choosing to make a life in Kiryat Sefer, rather than Baltimore where I grew up, is dealing with visits from our parents. Among my English-speaking friends in Eretz Yisrael, these tend to be rare events but ones that are accompanied by much anxiety and preparation. You see, when your parents live nearby, they get to know you much better. They know the ins and outs of your life; they know your quirks and your children’s quirks; and they hopefully come to accept it all as a package deal. But when they live far away and only come to visit once a year or even more infrequently, things work quite differently. Although all young adults have to learn to negotiate the in-law relationship, living far away and experiencing long periods of little interaction interspersed with short periods of intense interaction presents special challenges.
I started this article intending to explore the topic of mother-in-law visits. However, I soon realized that the same issues arise with one’s own parents. For some reason, mothers-in-law get a really bad rap. I understand: It’s never easy to develop new relationships, but we generally get to choose those with whom we want to be friends. The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship, however, is thrust upon us at a delicate stage of life, when we’re busy trying to get to know our new spouse and build our own home.
Of course, that’s no reason to perpetuate the stereotype. We young women realize that our mothers-in-law did something right if they raised the very person whom we chose as our spouse! And as future mothers-in-law ourselves, we want to tread lightly in the face of this complex yet potentially highly rewarding relationship.
So, let me issue this disclaimer: If it seems as though I am focusing on mothers-in-law, please keep in mind that everything applies to mothers as well.
A Clean Sweep
Have you heard the joke about the mother-in-law checking her daughter-in-law’s linen closet to make sure everything is folded to perfection? This one is an old wives’ tale for sure, but I do think that a mother or mother-in-law coming is the event (Pesach aside) that causes the most anxiety for women.
Many women feel pressure to perform in the housekeeping arena. Rochy, a mother of eight living in Eretz Yisrael, expresses her frustration with her mother-in-law’s visits: “I feel that, if my in-laws lived in town, they’d sometimes stop by when the house is tidy and other times not. But when they come once per year, it makes an impression; this is how they’re remembering my house all year long!” Before the yearly visits, therefore, Rochy and her teenage daughters do a mini “Pesach cleaning” in their home. After working so hard to scrub, clean, and organize prior to the visit, she feels so stressed out and rundown by the time they actually arrive that she barely enjoys the visit. And during the visit, it’s no better, as she’s busy trying to stay on top of every little piece of dirt, every dirty sock, and every stray dish on the counter.
Yael, on the other hand, says she’d rather relax and enjoy the visit and not worry about cleaning or making a good impression. “We’re already married,” she quips. “I no longer need to put on a show. Time to get past all that and just have a good nachas time together.”
For Shaindy, the challenge is the opposite. She is the neat freak, and her mother-in-law couldn’t care less if the house is a mess. Don’t be so quick to count her blessings though! Shaindy shares with us the challenge from the other side of the coin: “I always clean up each night so the house doesn’t get out of hand, and my mother-in-law finds it strange that I am sweeping and sometimes mopping midweek. She can’t understand why I work myself so hard and won’t just sit and relax!”
So it seems that, in either situation, women feel the balabusta stress before and during their mothers-in-laws’ visits.
Aviva, whose mother-in-law lives closer by and visits more frequently, has a slightly more balanced approach to the situation: “I do prepare my house, as Bubby is an unusually neat homemaker, and everything is always clean and dusted in her house. I do not feel comfortable ushering her into my very often topsy-turvy place. Again, if she happens to find us in a real messy state, I calm myself by saying that I have other good traits that are more important than the shiny floors.”
We’d all do well to keep Aviva’s attitude in mind! But, since the cat’s already been let out of the bag, I’ll share a humorous, albeit embarrassing, incident that happened to me. It was during a difficult pregnancy, when I was feeling terrible and not staying on top of my house work as I should. My parents were due to arrive the next day, and I just could not get the house ready on time. Of course, they claimed not to care, but my own pride…. In any case, I hired a neighbor who works as a cleaning lady to come upstairs and do some cleaning. I promptly hid in my room, as I couldn’t handle the smell of the cleaning supplies. Now, you have to realize, this in itself constituted a tremendous blow to my pride. To let an Israeli housewife into my house?!? There’s a reason they are known for their meticulous housekeeping skills! In any case, she did her thing, I paid her, and I was calm in the knowledge that my parents would show up to a clean house and think that this was how it always looks. Well, believe it or not, she saw my parents within a few days and told them, “Oh, I knew you were coming, your daughter hired me to clean up for you!” Oops! I guess the best solution is to just do your best and then nonchalantly say, “Oh, excuse the mess; it doesn’t usually look like this!” (You’re telling the truth: It usually looks much worse!)
The Children Challenge
Another challenge that often comes up when the grandparents are visiting is disciplining the children. Of the many topics I brought up when interviewing friends about their parental visits, this one generated the most heated responses by far. Quite a few women expressed the feeling that their children were in a display case the entire visit. Unlike local grandparents, who see the children regularly and get to know their well-behaved side as well as their “other side,” that’s not the case with foreign and infrequent visitors. When Zaidy and Bubby are visiting, everyone is off schedule. The children are cranky and tired and oftentimes eating more sugar than they’re used to. Bedtime is usually a major disaster as well, as children who have given up their room for their grandparents are stuffed into small rooms with their siblings. And we all know how smoothly bedtime goes when polar opposites are suddenly sharing a bedroom.
As Orah humorously shares: “It messes up the kids’ schedule, and then our parents think the reason they’re acting up and refusing to go to bed, etc., is because that’s the way they usually act (and discipline is due!). And you can’t really tell them that it’s because of them.” This is the image that the in-laws will hold in their mind of your children forever! What a stress-inducing thought! How do families deal with it?
Shaindy insists on keeping her children on their regular schedule when they have out-of-town visitors. This helps the children maintain their equilibrium the next day, but her in-laws are a bit resentful of her policy. They would like to keep the children up late and spend more time with them. The visits are a real challenge for Shaindy, and she tries to relax her standards just a bit to make the visit go smoother.
The daughters living in Israel with whom I spoke all agreed that a big part of the challenge is that we live in small apartments with everyone on top of each other. When the children play, scream, and fight (not in my house!), the grandparents, who are used to a quiet home, have nowhere to go to escape the action. When lots of people are off-schedule in close quarters, well, let’s just say there’s much opportunity for avodas hamidos (character building practice).
English with an Accent – or Not at All
Another interesting phenomenon that comes up when American grandparents visit their Israeli grandchildren is the language barrier. When our first child was born, we were very idealistic and strongly held to our belief that our children would speak a proper English. Alas (sigh!), I have very few English-speaking friends who can confidently state that their children speak English. My oldest does speak English more or less, when she puts her mind to it, and she understands it as well. It seems that with each succeeding child, however, they speak and understand less and less English. I suppose it doesn’t help them much that I myself speak less and less English to them. It’s okay. We’re all just fine with it. That is, until my parents come to visit, and they don’t speak Hebrew! It can be awfully frustrating for both parties to not be able to communicate.
Free-Range Parenting
It’s not only the language that is different. Plenty of cultural differences exist as well. Take Israeli children’s independence: It is not uncommon to see three-year-olds walking to gan by themselves. Those parents who aren’t as daring will have their four-or five-year-old child walk the three-year-old to school. You’re worried about crossing streets? No problem! Children just stand at the corner and wait. Every passing adult knows to ask any child on the corner if they would like to be crossed! My parents must think I’m crazy when I send my nine-year-old on a trip with her five younger siblings on the bus. In Baltimore, you can’t walk across the street without an armed guard! But she is a very responsible girl – she’s even been my primary grocery shopper since age eight. In general, our lifestyles are very different. Our children are growing up in a completely different world than their American cousins, but that just makes a more interesting visit for the grandparents!
Yes, It’s All Worth It
Lest any of you American mothers and mothers-in-law out there get the wrong impression of their Israeli daughters and daughters-in-law, I will set the record straight: We love when you come to visit! Challenges aside, a lot that is positive comes out of these visits.
Shaindy loves that her children get the individualized attention they cannot get when they visit her parents over Yom Tov, when all the other siblings and their children are there as well. She appreciates that her parents and in-laws get to see the kids in their own environment: going to school, with their friends, etc., and her husband loves showing them around town and having his father with him in shul.
Ora comments, regarding grandparents who are only seen rarely, that “It seems like they’re much more appreciated, and the time the children spend with their grandparents is very memorable and precious. I feel it makes up for the time apart during the year.” All agree that, although their parents go home completely wiped out after their visits, they get a lot of nachas from the grandchildren and are always hoping to come back.
Have any comments from the mother’s and mother-in-law’s perspective? Let me know. You may just find yourself quoted in my next article. Don’t worry; all names are changed to protect the guilty!
