Pesach alone? By yourself? Just your immediate family? No grandparents, no cousins, no guests? No grandchildren to ask the Ma Nishtana? How weird? Nobody could imagine that happening. But this year, it actually did, and many of us were surprised to find it an overall good experience.
Young Couples Stayed Home
Thousands of young couples who did not expect to be leading their own Seder for another few years found themselves leading one this year. For some, it was hard to believe. “You mean I have to clean the refrigerator, kasher the oven and the sink, cover the counters, and cook!? You mean I have to buy pots and pans and every kind of kitchen utensil? Help! Impossible!” Next came the frantic phone calls to Mommy and the Star-K.
My son Yisrael, who lives in Lakewood, found himself in this predicament. The Lakewood yeshiva offered Pesach-in-a-Box to help the young couples who were caught unprepared. He stood in a line of 600 to 700 cars for over an hour to pick up his box. It included a grater, a can-opener, a corkscrew, pots, a cutting board, knives, a handheld blender, two Haggadahs, two proper-size cups for the four cups of wine, and a matza cover – everything a young couple might need to make Pesach at the last minute.
For Baruch and Esti, it was also a new experience. “Because I was leading the Seder, I felt much more of a personal connection to the sipur yetzias Mitzrayim,” said Baruch. “Esti and I were very involved with our understanding of the Haggadah. When I described the Ten Makos to little Eli, he was laughing his head off. We sang songs from both our homes, and of course we didn’t miss the great Chad Gadya, including making noises of the different animals to Eli, who stayed awake the whole time. And besides that, Esti made delicious food! I told her no one would ever believe this is her first time making Pesach!”
Newlyweds Dovid and Rachel were filled with a sense of foreboding at first. “We felt we were much too young to be doing this grown-up stuff. But then we actually enjoyed the opportunity to establish ourselves as a real family. My wife and I danced around the kitchen together singing the Nirtzah songs.”
“Both my husband Zev and I had opportunities to step up to the plate and stretch some inner muscles we never knew we had,” said Rikki. “We had such beautiful Sedarim. We kept our son Yitzi up to ask the Ma Nishtana. (He loved the part of “kulanu misubin” and threw himself over to one side.) After he was in bed, we delving into the Hagaddah together, really pondering, discussing, and enjoying the underlying themes of the Yom Tov.
“As a participant of someone else’s Seder, one usually follows along and occasionally contributes,” adds Zev. “But this year, if we didn’t contribute, there would have been no Seder.” Rikki said, “I found Yom Tov to be an all-around bonding experience. And although I can’t imagine we’d jump to make Pesach again alone next year, I’m certainly glad it was such a beautiful success this year!”
One young woman wrote this poem for her parents and in-laws:
With mixed emotions, a tear on my face,
I carefully set the last fork in place,
The whirlwind is over, we’re finally done,
Ready to begin a Seder of our own.
This is not what we’d have chosen were it up to us,
But it’s not, and so push onward we must.
There’s bound to be some mistakes although, we hope most will be right
As we set off to make our own memories tonight.
Although we wish we were celebrating together with you,
We are comforted by knowing this is the right thing to do.
This will definitely be a Pesach no one will forget,
And hopefully with the coming of Moshiach, it will be the best one yet.
All Alone
Can one really make a Seder all by oneself? I have heard that if a person is alone at the Seder they have to ask the Ma Nishtana to themselves, but it always seemed like a joke. Who asks questions to themselves? This year many people did!
Seniors who live alone often go to children or are invited out for the Seder. This year, they came to the realization that they would actually be all on their own. Everyone was social distancing, so there was nowhere to go, and no one was going to come!
As Shoshana Kruger, a Baltimore grandmother, explained, in an essay she wrote, “What a complicated decision I was forced to make before Pesach 2020. Should I go to my children who live a mile away or stay home for three days alone, not only eating every Yom Tov meal alone, but making two Sedarim by myself?”
In a packet of divrei Torah for people who were alone for the Seder, I saw this beautiful thought by Mrs. Miriam Kosman from her essay, “I am the Question; I am the Answer.”
If the person is alone? The halacha is that one should ask oneself the questions and one should answer oneself. It seems ridiculous. Why ask yourself questions that you know the answer to? Why talk to yourself at all? The answer is that Seder night is that moment in time where the past and future meet at your own dining room table. We ask questions to inform our present, to direct our future. Seder night is the moment where you metamorphose from a regular Joe to a member of the Jewish nation, charged with the mission to bring the world to a higher place. And guess what? You, yourself and you are both the history and the destiny of the Jewish people. You don’t need anyone else there. You are the point of this whole story.
Mrs. Miriam Baver, a life coach from Chicago, started a WhatsAp group for women who were alone for the Sedarim. They had a Zoom conference before Pesach and discussed strategies to enhance their Yom Tov. Mrs. Baver explained, “Because I was psychologically prepared, I was able to enjoy the Seder as a real spiritual experience. There were no distractions, I did not have to worry what different children were doing or if my guests were comfortable. It was just me and Hashem. It was almost like going into the yichud room together with Hashem.”
Chani from Monsey, a widow for more than 20 years, said she has never spent a Shabbos or Yom Tov meal alone since her husband died. This year was a first, and she was dreading it. But as it turned out the Sedarim were really beautiful. She felt that Hashem was with her. Chani’s whole Seder experience was enhanced by the book she read over Pesach, Dual Discovery by Zecharya Hoffman. The book made the stories of Yitzi’as Mitzrayim come alive, and it was easy to fulfill the mitzva of reliving the story as if she herself had experienced the miracles.
In her essay, mentioned above, Shoshana Kruger wrote:
And then I remembered learning in Parchas Vayishlach, that when Yaakov Avinu retraced his steps to retrieve the pachim ketanim, he left his entire family on one side of the Yabok River, and went alone to the other side. He could have taken any one of his 11 sons, but Yaakov went alone! Perhaps Yaakov was preparing his children for a time that each member of the klal, with all the achdus and ahavas Yisrael, will sometimes, just have to go it alone. And Yaakov overcame. What a legacy he transmitted to us! He went alone, fought the malach, and prevailed over the enemy. Our enemy today is the Coronavirus, and I (and countless others) made the decision to go it alone.
Families with Older Children
Yitzi and Rivki reflected, “Many of us realized over this unique Pesach that our children are actually really nice people and fun to be around once you get to know them (by spending six complete Shabbos/Yom Tov days exclusively with them) and playing countless number of games, like Spit, Rummikub and UNO. One more thought, I never realized how much less stressful the Seder is if you don’t have an alarm set for the next morning.”
Leiby and Nomi had an “amazing Seder night. The children received private attention and enjoyed it so much. They sat at the table until after birchas hamazon and then played nicely in the living room,” said Nomi. “My husband made them a puppet show on the Ten Makos. We bought a lot of games for all the other days and just played all day, and made food and ate food. It was very relaxing and unifying.”
Dov and Gitti said, “We had the most beautiful and intimate Sedarim ever: just my wife, myself, and our daughter, who was glowing and smiling ear to ear with all the undivided attention she was receiving from her parents. She hid the afikomen, and we sang all the songs together. It was truly a special family bonding moment. As much as we missed being with all the extended aunts, uncles, cousins, and parents, there’s no denying that this year was definitely in a league of its own.”
Meir and Elana had a very peaceful Yom Tov. “We are finding that spending time together is really helping our children strengthen their relationships with each other. “
Empty Nesters
Tzvi and Tova made a Seder by themselves. “Although I missed my children and guests who usually come, there were some nice things about being only adults,” said Tova. “One nice part was how quickly the saying of the Ma Nishtana went without having to listen to it being repeated many times, which I find kind of boring. It was also very easy to give out the portions of matza and maror, and that made the whole process more relaxing. Cleaning up after the Seder was a breeze. It was also nice to be able to sing together with my husband without worrying about what other men were at the Seder.”
According to Moshe and Miriam, “We were lucky because our children live nearby. They came every day of Yom Tov, and we visited from our porch to the sidewalk in proper social-distancing fashion.”
* * *
My sister in Bnei Brak told me that on erev Pesach, right before the Seder, the families got a phone call from the city with a request: After Maariv all the children should go to their windows or porches and sing Ma Nishtana in a loud voice so that people who were alone could feel part of the community. The whole city of Bnei Brak resounded with the words of the Four Questions. This is just one of many beautiful acts of chesed and ingenuity that made this Pesach a positive experience, despite our restricted circumstances.
Grandparents without their grandchildren, newly-married couples on their own, individuals by themselves. Nobody could have envisioned such an unusual Pesach a couple of months ago, but we went through it and survived. Hopefully, we will be back to “normal” next year.
Sidebar
Wannabe Rabbi
by Eli W. Schlossberg
What have I been doing without my shul and my minyan? you ask. How did we celebrate Pesach in isolation?
Well, I always wanted to be a rabbi, and now I can be one. I am the rabbi of my own shul – also the chazan, gabbai, and president. My wife Ronnie is head of the woman’s auxiliary. We have been a little lax on the mechitza as we usually daven together in our music room. We have late minyanim in my shul. Zman Krias Shema is sometimes challenged. But our davening and our tehilim have lots of kavana, and I give a weekly short Shabbos drasha.
One problem is that my one-and-only beautiful congregant usually leaves during my speech; Ronnie goes to our kitchen for a kiddush. Like many rabbanim, I was going to assur (forbid) the kiddush club, but she doesn’t love my preaching and any mussar I give. Actually, she’s behind in her dues, which are not so easy to collect, but she is of course right that I should use the mussar to improve myself before preaching to others.
For our two-person, very heimishe “communal” Seder, Ronnie said the Ma Nishtana and, most importantly, hid the afikomen. I had one major concern before Pesach. What if I couldn’t find the afikomen? Oy vey – it could have been more costly than the hotel we were planning to go to! Who knew what gift she would ask for? But I decided that whatever she requested, she absolutely deserved it!
As always, my aishes chayil is a truly wonderful wife, and she has been making me the most incredible healthy meals during our isolation. We are getting along fine spending all this time together. After 46 years, we are really enjoying each other’s company. This was the first time in over 30 years we have been home alone for Pesach – and, together, we worked hard to get ready for the holiday.
To all our friends and community members, stay safe! The sun will come out tomorrow! Gam zeh ya’avor. Let’s daven for achdus (unity) and ask Hashem for rachamim (mercy), and, iy”H, leshana haba b’Yerushalayim.
Eli W. Schlossberg is a trustee of Ahavas Yisrael and author of My Shtetl Baltimore.
