GG is definitely my oldest friend, ever. Sh
e also happens to be one of my most closest, most vivacious, witty, intuitive, insightful, interesting, and fun friends, as well. I have been blessed in my life to have many close friends who can boast these same traits. What makes this friendship different than any other I’ve experienced? In great part, it’s because GG is old enough to be my great-grandmother!
You would never know that GG is a nonagenarian-plus. She does not look it, nor does she act the part. I try to visit the former actress of Lower East Side Yiddish stage fame whenever I can. She lives in Household 2 of Levindale Hebrew Geriatric Center and Hospital. She is a source of inspiration for me, with her ever-flowing words of wisdom; her pervasive attitude of gratitude; her deep, meaningful poems; and the jokes she rattles off that, as she says, even crack her up.
I had just returned home from the most wonderful visit with GG. We chit-chatted, as “girls” do, about all sorts of things. We giggled about her adventures, long remembered from her teenage years. “I haven’t had a dull life,” she suddenly interjects. “Can you picture me when I was 16?” To me, GG is still that 16 year old, in a 90-year-old-plus body. If she were not confined to her wheelchair, after suffering a stroke almost two years ago, I am sure that her doting family members still wouldn’t be able to track her down because of her busy social life.
“I had a stroke, and I am striking back!” she routinely announces with fervor, often while playing the piano one-handed, until the physical therapy she swears by rehabilitates her left hand. “Some people make the least of the most; I make the most of the least!” GG continues to share with me. “Life is what you make of it. You can sit back and frown; it’s up to you.” Wow! Who wouldn’t be inspired by my friend?
Most touching of all were GG’s parting words to me as I left today: “I never had a sister…I’ve adopted you,” she explains to me. “I now have four daughters.” I leave her side, while thinking of her request – “Don’t wait too long to come back!” – and feeling somewhere between a sister and a daughter to this remarkable woman.
If anyone can understand my unique relationship with GG, it is fellow Baltimorean and WWW writer, Devora Schor. She started visiting nonagenarian Livia Shacter, the mother of WWW editor, Elaine Berkowitz, from the time she moved into an apartment around the corner from her. Mrs. Schor’s weekly Shabbos afternoon visits, which only stopped when Mrs. Shacter made aliya, three years ago, at the age of 93, evolved into a true friendship.
“I looked forward to visiting her,” recalls Mrs. Schor. “She is nice, had lots of interesting things to say, and was very welcoming. I had never really spoken to a Holocaust survivor before, and she was a fountain of stories – about how life was before the war, ghetto life, concentration camp life, and post-liberation life. I felt a very strong kesher (connection) with her because I like her. I don’t think it has anything to do with age. I can relate to and be friends with all ages – whether the person is 25 or 90. I visit other elderly people, too, and consider them friends.
“One time, on the way to visiting Mrs. Shacter, I met a friend who is a contemporary of mine,” continues Mrs. Schor. “She asked me where I was going and when I told her, she said, ‘Tizku lemitzvos!’ Although she meant the remark in a complimentary way, I thought that it put a spin on my relationship with Mrs. Shacter that was not really accurate. Even though I may have originally visited her because of the mitzva component, our friendship had long surpassed that stage.”
How does one define friendship? The Merriam Webster dictionary offers these definitions: “A person whom you like and enjoy being with; one attached to another by affection or esteem.” Says Mrs. Schor, “If you connect with someone, the conversation will flow, despite the age difference. That connection is either there or it isn’t there, whether the person is old or young.”
Since many of our close friendships are formed when we are in school or, later in life, through our own children, our friendships more often than not do not span a generation. However, those of us who have experienced intergenerational friendships know the unique benefits they offer. In these types of friendships, each friend can offer the other something different, depending on where one is in life.
Baltimorean Leni Broder agrees with Mrs. Schor: “It’s not the age that matters as much as being interesting, enjoyable, and compatible, qualities that makes it a privilege to know that person,” says Mrs. Broder, whose friends range in age from their twenties to their nineties. “I cherish my friends of all ages for the qualities I admire in them. By and large, age is only a number, in the end, and people are only as old as they feel, which is also a reason why I have a lot of young friends. Friendship is a committed and caring relationship, and friends serve different purposes.
“I started acquiring younger friends when my daughter’s friends in high school hung out in my house,” explains Mrs. Broder. “Somehow, they gradually morphed into my friends, as well. Young people often have boundless energy that just bounces onto me. They may ask my advice, which I am happy to share, but I also enjoy asking them how life looks from their young, refreshing outlook. It is nice to get a perspective of something different than my own generation’s viewpoints. Young people have so many intriguing experiences; each day consists of an exciting array of new experiences. They are peppy and adventurous. While I treasure friends my own age, I think it is boring to only have friends who are in the same stage of life.”
Tom McBride, coauthor of The Mindset Lists of American History: From Typewriters to Text Messages, What Ten Generations of Americans Think Is Normal (Wiley, 2011), advises people to look for commonalities and interests that transcend age. “It doesn’t work to just walk into an assisted living center. The key is to find something that you have in common,” says Mr. McBride, who notes that when generations don’t interact, they can't communicate well or share ideas that could benefit society.
Like any relationship, generational ones are also made up of give-and-take, and should be held to the same standards as any other. Older friends provide younger people an ear to be heard and respected; younger friends provide a connection to the broader culture that older people may not necessarily have without them. Additionally, older friends can provide the perspective gained from many years of life experience that their younger friends lack.
In fact, Sally Newman, director of Generations Together, an international intergenerational studies program at the University of Pittsburgh, who has studied intergenerational programs for over 25 years, believes that “Less contact between old and young can hurt children.” She feels that seniors are an untapped resource who can provide sustained mentoring for children, and that a lack of intergenerational contact can lead to an increase in social problems, such as the violence and drugs that surround today’s youth.
“There’s a beautiful reciprocity in these relationships,” says Irene S. Levine, creator of The Friendship Blog (thefriendshipblog.com) and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend (Overlook Press, 2009). “Friendships with older folks help us see our own future and learn ways to enjoy the years that lie ahead. Younger people tend to have more energy, a sense of adventure, and a greater willingness to try new things. Each friend can offer the other something different based on his or her station in life.”
How does one go about cultivating an intergenerational friendship? Since most of us live age-segregated lives, it might be a challenge, but here are two tips for finding good friends, young and old: 1) Think of the people you already know casually, perhaps through family or work connections, and consider the possibility of cultivating a deeper friendship with them. 2) Think of the people of a different age who already share your passions, whom you may have met through religious groups, book clubs, or organizations that were formed around other interests.
Does the “generation gap” ever come into play in an intergenerational friendship? Is there even room for it? Perhaps all that is necessary to overcome such a gap is a change of attitude about friendship and people. After all, the benefits and responsibilities of any relationship are the same: Your intergenerational friendship, like any other one, should be grounded in common interests and values. And, as with any quality friendship, thoughtful listening and nuanced communication are vital in bridging age-driven differences in social expectations and assumptions.
Thanks to my friend GG, I have learned that age does not matter. It is the unconditional acceptance of who we are that is all-important.
 Margie Pensak-2013
