Dear Dr. Kidorf
I have two young
teenage sons as well as younger children. On Shabbos, they go to shul with
their father. On the way home, my husband stops at a few different homes to
shmooze and make a lechaim. The boys just talk to their friends, if any
of them are around, and wait until he’s ready to go home. My husband never gets
drunk, just a little “happy,” and we proceed with kiddush, where
everyone in the family gets wine.
One night last
week, I went out and came back earlier than expected. I walked into the living
room and saw my two boys having a little lechaim. I was rather shocked
and asked them what they were doing. They answered, “Nothing, we’re just trying
it.”
They are
generally good boys, but I know that teens sometimes “stretch” the truth. How
do I know if they’re telling me the truth and if they are doing this often? We
don’t have a lot of liquor in the house, but we do have some. I spoke to my
husband, and he is not worried. He says it’s part of growing up. I don’t know
about that. My father and brothers never drank. Is he right? One thing is
certain: he is not going to modify his schedule or his habits.
Am I right to
worry? What should I do?
Response:
Thank
you for asking these questions. It feels quite reasonable that you are worried.
Let us figure out what to do about it.
You
express concern that your husband’s drinking pattern on Shabbat may harm the
children. You are right about that. You
also mention that you have two young teenagers in the house. As you know,
teenagers are quite curious and impressionable, sometimes impulsive. They often
seek opportunities to drink to challenge traditional boundaries and assert
independence.
While
many factors influence a teenager’s decision to drink, parental attitudes and
behavior play a pivotal role. Your husband’s behavior may cause your children
to believe that drinking is permissible. Because he drinks with different
friends, your kids may develop the mistaken impression that in this community
Shabbat is a good time for late morning heavy drinking.
Yet
teenage drinking is not inevitable and can be prevented. Parents can have a
strong impact on helping teenagers refrain from drinking. For example, parents
can set clear expectations that it is unacceptable to drink without permission.
They can also remind their children that teenage drinking is illegal, and that
most teenagers drink very little alcohol.
If
your husband is unwilling to modify his drinking, both of you might come together
to explain to your children the difference in risks between adult and teenage
drinking. You might start with the fact that an adult brain is fully developed,
while the teenage brain remains in flux, and its development is harmed by
alcohol or other substances. In addition to reducing cognitive abilities,
drinking often places kids in risky and sometimes life-threatening situations. Drinking
problems in high school interfere with social activities and academic
performance, and almost always lead to alcohol or other substance use disorders
as an adult. More factual information can be found at the National Institutes
of Alcohol and Alcoholism website (niaaa.nih.gov).
It
seems that you are comfortable allowing your kids drink wine for kiddush. A
small amount of alcohol each week for a beautiful religious ritual is unlikely
to be harmful. There may even be some benefit to drinking responsibly under
parental supervision for religious purposes.
Yet
drinking wine for kiddush often means that there is alcohol stored in the
house. This can be a problem. Most teenage drinking is accomplished using the
parents’ alcohol. Your children should be explicitly instructed to stay away
from alcohol in the home. Locking up the alcohol supply is appropriate in some
cases, and may ease your worry.
Let
us get back to your husband. The problem of drinking in front of the children
is exacerbated if he appears intoxicated, something that should be done in
private, not in the company of children. Because drinking makes him “happy,”
there is a strong chance that your kids notice the difference in mood. By
consuming four to five drinks or more on Shabbat, he is engaged in a pattern of
alcohol consumption that is called binge drinking.
This
means that on Shabbat your husband drinks like a teenager. Adults do not
ordinarily binge drink because they do not favor the sleepiness or other
sedative effects that come from excessive drinking. Because teenagers
experience less sedation, they often drink more per occasion. Your husband’s
drinking pattern is out of step with most adults in the country.
I
wonder about the effect of the alcohol when he returns home. If your husband
routinely has difficulty staying awake or remaining “present” at the Shabbat
meal, or speaks inappropriately due to lack of inhibition caused by alcohol,
drinking may be affecting his role as a parent.
I
also worry about your impression that your husband “is not going to modify his
schedule or his habits.” How do you know? Perhaps you have asked him to change
his drinking patterns with little impact. Or maybe he has unsuccessfully tried
to reduce drinking on Shabbat. Sometimes a parent pledges to reduce drinking,
achieves some short-time success, but ultimately resumes a heavier drinking
pattern. These are also signs of a problem.
Speaking
to your husband about his drinking is almost guaranteed to be a difficult
conversation. The more difficult you think it might be, the more likely that it
is a real problem. Trust your instincts.
To
make the conversation easier, choose a peaceful time. Do not introduce this
topic when you are angry or when he is drinking! Try to see the situation
through his eyes: “I know you look forward to drinking on the way home from
shul, and it is your only day to relax, but I worry about how it might affect
the children.” If he shrugs off your concerns, schedule another time to talk. Your
rabbi may be able to provide support or offer to speak with him. If he is
interested in reducing alcohol consumption but finds it difficult to accomplish
on his own, he might be willing to speak privately with his primary care
physician. Because drinking impacts the entire family, couples or family
therapy is often the preferred approach.
I
wish these conversations were easier! As a member of Chayeinu, I recently had
the opportunity to conduct a workshop at the wonderful Prizmah conference for
Jewish educators. I asked participants what they might say to a parent who gets
intoxicated at the Shabbat meal. A very wise rebbetzin put it bluntly and responded that she would ask the parent: “Is Shabbat for
you, or is it for your family.”
Rodney
Dangerfield once joked: “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I only
drink in front of the mirror.” There are times when a spouse or child serves as
our mirror.
Our
children are precious. They are also vulnerable. Teenagers are already
overloaded with multiple influences designed to increase their use of alcohol
or other drugs. They do not need parents to pile on. What they seem to crave
are parents who are thoughtful about their own drinking behavior and its impact
on others. We need to be careful about our drinking at home, at shuls, and at
simchas. Our children are watching.
Michael Kidorf, Ph.D., is a
clinical psychologist, Associate Professor of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins
University School of Medicine, and Director of Education at Chayeinu. The Where What When welcomes
readers’ questions to this column.
